An Unproductive Week

"Why are you still here? You shouldn't be here! Didn't you finish your thesis? You should really go on holiday?" He said.
"If not for months, at least a weekend. The backpack in bay of island is only about $20." He said.

"Or Waiheke Island" She jointed in.

"You really need to go out and refresh yourself a bit before you come back seriously. It's for your own good" He added.

"You like movies eh? Then, you should go and rent all the DVDs or go have some fun. You shouldn't stay late! That's just wrong" He said.

I must have look pretty shit these days coz everybody is asking me the same thing - why don't you take a holiday? and keep reminding me that I could really use a good long holiday. I am really tired of answering that without getting even more depressed. But seriously I am really not getting anything done these days. My productivity at work is nearly zero. My mind is shut, my mood is grey, I can't remember how to smile and all I want to do is writing my Blog to get my thoughts down.

It's almost 9pm on a Friday night and I am still at Bio. I think they are right. I am pathetic!!

The Difference

I never want to admit my uncomfortable and fear of feeling not fit in in the kiwi culture, but in a group of kiwis, I do feel lonely and scared sometimes. It doesn't help if all of them are my friends or even my best friends. I can deal with one perfectly well at the time. Two are getting a bit tricky. Three are just pushing. Even I am half-kiwi by now, there are still a lot of things I don't know. When someone says something in the group, they have enough common ground to catch up with each other and that's time I feel I am not a kiwi at all.

"I can understand how you feel coz I felt the same when you were with him even you were both speaking English in front of me." She said. "And I don't even need to deal with it everyday" She continued

I was in a similar situation when I was travelling, but I only spent a short period of time at each place and I was only passing by. Strangely, I didn't find any difficulties in a group of trainees even they were mainly from the white society. The thing is we all came from different backgrounds, so there is no so called majority common ground. However, here in New Zealand, I am the minority and it's so easy to get neglected in a group especially I have difficulties to speak up in a group where I don't feel confident enough to do so. And I don't like that.

Every time I walk into such situation, I have to prepare myself to have enough positive energy shield so I won't get upset too much when I find myself not belong to the group. I can do few hours or a day or two, but 5days is a lot to ask for.

"It is not a holiday if you have to prepare yourself!" She said. I know I am not gonna have fun, but I was willing to challenge myself and compromise for him because it makes him happy and because I care. But if he doesn't care about my holiday, why should I.

I don't think he knows what it feels like even after I tried to explain. I guess I can't blame him. He has never needed to survive through that kind of situation in a daily based. That's part of reasons I want to take him back to Taiwan, so he can at least understand what he asked is not a simple thing.

The more I am in this kind of situation, the more I see the difference between us and the more I feel pessimistic about the future. Yes, being different is interesting coz you have endless things to talk about, but at the same time you look for similarities to be belong to something, to be heard and to be understood.

"Maybe there is a reason they say you should only date your own race." She said.

I am considering the possibility of going home...

Auckland Ambassadors

I think I pass my first attend as a hostess in the last 2days. A friend of a friend was passing Auckland for 24hours and she trusted me enough to take care of her, so I shouldn't let her down. Moreover, I wouldn't miss the chance to meet an attractive Slovak girl and practice my poor Slovak language. She is a very lovely girl and a superwoman. I was very impressed that after 34+ hours travelling, she could still go up and down Mt. Eden without feeling tired (My legs were so sore after walking the entire afternoon and she was still okay!). Of course it's not because I was lost, but shopping was so important that I had to show her the Newmarket 3 times. Oh...about didn't see the beach? I am pretty sure the Rangitoto Island was still there.....but going to Mission Bay at night just not really a smart idea. I promise, I'll show her next time!! Poor her, she had to be my first guinea-pig as an Auckland ambassador. Hey, but now I know better than ever how to be a better hostess!!

I hope I have done well enough to make sure she felt comfortable and safe like many other did to me when I was oversea. It's like the movie "Pay it Forward". There is no way I can do or say thank you enough to those who took me in like family. All I can do is pay it forward to others who are also in need and give them the best experience in New Zealand. It is great to know that I have the ability and the chance to do the same to her.

I was also very impressed with him last night considering that he hasn't been took in kindly by others like I did. He was very kind and very mature for the whole evening. He opened door for her, let her sit at the front, chatted with the appropriate humour and took us out for dinner like a real gentleman.

Thank you for being so wonderful!!

Holiday v.s. Travelling

My perspective of holiday has changed through the years.

A holiday for me is a resting period. Doing nothing, saying nothing, letting all the thoughts flow in and out my mind without worrying right or wrong. It's a very passive kind of relaxation, but the best. The ideal holiday would be laying within someone's arms peacefully without doing or saying anything, but loved.

Travelling is definitely not a holiday. A lot of preparations, researches and organisations are involved and there is always some sort of purpose to be fulfilled. You have to be very active. It's very exciting but tiring. I think I either am getting older, less adventurous or have enough travelling already. It's not as appearing to me as before anymore. There is a conference in Praha which I fall in love with in the first sight; the bridge, the hot chocolate, the music, and the fairy-tale romantic atmosphere. Many ppl would expect me to jump on it without a second thought and make the dream come true again. However, I decided not to apply.

There is no much point to be any of those places by myself again. I have had the best time of my life there. The ppl, the timing, the mood and most importantly me are all different now. They are all gone. They are all gone 2 years ago. I am gonna feel depressed, sad and lonely if I go. The trip is just gonna be a business purpose rather than a holiday or even a travelling. However, what strike me is that I realise the only way to provoke my eagerness to revisit those special places again is be with someone special, someone I love. I know I am still gonna be very emotional when I get there, but having someone to share those with would give those places a new meaning.

I wish someday I can go back and fulfill this dream with someone I love.

雨後就一定天晴嗎？

After 12 days low pressure, the hurricane finally came through.
After rain, does it always come with sun? (雨後就一定天晴嗎？)
I didn't see rainbow this time

No longer

She plays soccer.
She has just finished her PHD.
She has just got back from a 8 days holiday.

"With whom? Your boyfriend?" I asked.
"I don't have a boyfriend" She said in a plain tone.
"But....."
"Yup, no longer"

I felt sad, intruded and sorry for her and for myself.

Silly me

"What if he calls me like his sister when I am in the class tonight?" I thought with anxiety naively.

Then, it strikes me few seconds later.

"Beng dan!(Silly egg in Chinese) It's Tuesday. You are safe! Soccer!!" felt silly and sour.

What did I miss?!

It started like this...
"Do you like him?" A girl asked her.
"If he wants to know the answer, ask him to come here and ask me himself!" She said.

A moment later... He came and asked nervously.
"So.....do you like me?"
"um...Yes, I did... but I really just get to know you this year. It's too early to say..." She replied shyly.

Then, like movies, in a week, there are numerous emails, MSN conversation and non-stop SMS between them. They found out how much they are alike and how they liked each other at the same time at different period of times in the last 3-4 years without each other noticing. And of course, there is the best friend of his who likes her also. And a mate of the best friend who is helping him to get her attention on him rather than him. For a good story, you must have a good friend of hers is keen on her ex and worry there is still something between them. Of course, the ex has to be one of his best friends too, so he couldn't have taken any actions until now.

"You are truly gorgeous, smart, beautiful, and lovely in all aspects" He said to her in Spanish and French.
"Make sure you don't wake up from this beautiful dream before I do" He said with hope.

They are from a 15 years old boy to a 14 years old girl before the school holiday finishes. And they aren't even dating yet!!!! Gee....What did I miss when I was 14!!! or even err....ever!!!! *Sign*, they share the same name disturbingly. Can I swap, I thought wishfully?

I start understanding why my Mum like reading romantic novels.

A Long Day

"It is easy to stand on the side of the person that is right =)" She said. Oh, Yeah! What a wicked friend she is!!

My very busy day started with getting up at 7am and played some real badminton. Then, I had a real movie night out coz I had popcorn and coke for the first time (Shh...even it was a kids combo) following by chatting with friends until I lost my voice, which I haven't done it for quite a long time. It was surprisingly to know that I actually have an interesting life story to tell even sadly, I had the most dirty secret stories amongst us all. I think we are getting old coz we start enjoying talking about our past and it took hours....:( Damn... I don't want to be older! I am still 17!!

I know who I am going on holiday with this weekend though- Harry!!! Yeah!! He rocks!

It has been a weird week

I gave birth to my 11 babies exhaustingly, felt high for 24 hours, felt depressed for 24 hours, got pissed off, attended an wedding in spirit, talked to friends from 2003, got my check bounced, got a job, invited stranger to stay with me, MICQ is coming to NZ soon and NOW? The German machine called me! The best of all, he is coming to see me this year!!! I can't believe it!! How cool is that! Of course, I am holding my breath until I hug him at the airport for real even he always keeps his words. I am also gonna take him back to Taiwan with me and spent sometimes with another ZTG. We just need another Finn, then we would be completed!!!

I am Free!!

Besides all the uncertainties of the future and personal life, it has been a good day.

I cleaned my desk (ehh...it is actually still in progress), had $$ meeting, sent my baby theses away to say thank you to various ppl (byebye babies), played badminton (was rather boring), got told that I'll be paid from yesterday even I was on holiday (Yah!! $$), my check got bounced (it's so funny!), offered some random chick who I have never met to stay with me (Come on! She is Slovak. I just can't say no to them), didn't do any work today (Yah!!), checked out new bus stop (had to. coz no one giving me ride home), stared the way ppl holding hands (I know... but I was so bored), made sure I ate some dinner and chocolate (well, no one is gonna take care of me, so I had to), watched my favourite TV show(Go girl power!), wrote few blogs and my house is so clean when I am upset!

My check got bounced!!

I thought I would be anxious, but surprisingly I didn't.

Just when I signed my contract and sell my soul to the wonderful academia so that I can get some $$ and fame, I realised that my check got bounced!! I have no idea what consequence that I am facing, but hey...I am not really that worry. In fact, I found it very FUNNY!

Poor binder, I hope he got his money in the end. I don't have that much evidence left with me anyway as I have been giving all my "babies" away. Three of them are on their way to Singapore, US and United Arab Emirates and the rest are somewhere in Auckland...

Something means more than MY HOLIDAY

Why can everybody else see how important this holiday is for me, but him!! I have never wanted to have a holiday so badly in my life. And sadly, I only wanted him to be with me.

I did plan and book my holiday (That's the matter I thought. At least I know I can control my own happiness rather than by some stupid man), but I didn't go in the end. My holiday mood was totally ruined by him unfortunately. Without him, it's not my dream holiday anymore. There was no point to spend the time/energy/money coz I knew I was not gonna enjoy it. Dame you, man. I failed, I know. He could have made me so happy, but it has been a miserable weekend.

So instead, I had to put my mind on something else. Something means as much or even more than my holiday. Something that my love/heart/effect would be appreciated. Thus, I spend all my time/energy/money to make another man happy. It was totally wicked to live on Finnish time for two days. She and I had a number of SMS and phone calls, so I can be updated on all the details and excitement. I got to talk to him before the wedding and supported him with all my heart. Then I got told live when they said "I do" in two different languages. It was all worth it, even I had to get up and made another phone call at 3am in the morning! I was told my speech was so beautiful that ppl cried. He is such a sweet and sensitive guy. He was still crying when I called. I guess my first wedding speech was a big hit. Their journey has just started (just receiving another SMS from him as they are leaving the reception in their "Just married" car which had a bit of trouble) and I am glad that I was part of it. Thank you for letting me be part of it.

He also told me that I won the bet. What a respected true love! I envy you!! Best wishes!! I meant every single words I said at your wedding! Congratulation! Moj Mala!

I WANT a HOLIDAY!!! RIGHT NOW!!

I don't think I am a happy person by default. My happiness seems to only last for few mins and then I go all depressed again.

I blame the wine I had, it made me very upset during this loving celebration dinner. I really WANT a HOLIDAY!!! I want to get out!! Get out of this city! Get away from everyone else but be with someone who I really miss in the last couple days. BUT NO!!! Some stupid soccer game has higher priority than me!! Even the chance he can play on Saturday is low coz of his twist ankle. Even I can see his point, I am still angry and upset.

I didn't ask too much, did I? All I want was a holiday and I want to spent it with him, no one else!! I didn't ask him to take an extra day off for me even I really want to go away and come back on Monday night. I have already compromised, haven't I? I hinted and then I gave up coz I knew guys are just so slow that they never gonna take the hints, so I ASKED. Do I have to beg?! Besides the 'NO', he even wants me to take holiday FOR HIM with his friends and dump those shits on me such as "if you don't want to you don't want to" when I said I can't take any holiday after next Tuesday.

"We should never depend on other for happiness. We should dream alone, and live alone" She said.

"Yes, I agree and we should all die alone! " I said.

Mother Blue

I got very depressed after I finished. It's called mother blue aka post-pregnancy depression.

The thesis has been the focus of my life in the last 18months and it was everything I was working for in the last few weeks. Now suddenly it's gone. It's all gone. I am scared. I don't know what to do next. I have to start something which I really want again. And I don't know what I want. I feel very empty and lost. I have nothing to live for tomorrow. I know I should be happy, I should be celebrating, but I am so scared right now!!

Proud Mother

I have just picked up my babies. All 11 of them from the binders. They look so beautiful!!! I'm a proud mother!!!!

Faithless Games

After an hour sleep, I was back in the City for THE MOVIE. It was the last screening in the film festival and I had to see it. After all, it is a Slovakian film and that's all the matter.

I just wanted to make sure that I didn't understand the language and I still don't!

It took me a while to start watching the movie coz I was trying to listen to the movie rather than reading the subtitle, but soon I had to give up. I still don't understand enough it to make sense. However, when the husband said 'Pekne' ironically to the wife, I laughed before everyone else, then the subtitle came out later and the rest of audience follow my lead. The feeling was great!!!!

I was slow to recognise the place even that cathedral and the name of the space were so familiar. I blame the lack of sleep and my thesis. Half way through the film, I suddenly clicked!!!! It is THE Sturovo and THE Esztergom. I was playing water in THAT Danube between those two cities!! That's where we had our 5 passports photo taken and get our stampo by walking across that bridge. That's where I met Peter and Eva. That's where we all got pretty drunk and some of the doddgy stories/rumors came out the next days. That's where I climbed up a tree and played hide and see with the other. I was THERE!!!

Movie itself was great too. It's kind of drama that you know it could be real. It doesn't have all those fake climax in most of drama film, but it has those daily drama in your and my lives. I really envy the couple can express their feeling to each other through the music. It's something I have never able to it even I have been playing piano for so long. In fact, I always afraid of commenting what the music is all about. I have no idea whether or not this music is depressing/sad/happy/cheerful/emotional. Another thing amazes me is how ppl can just sleep with someone so easily without feeling shameful. How can a kiss or a touch loss your judgment so easily. This world is too weird to understand for me sometimes.

The Drive

The way to the binder was the most difficult journey that I have ever taken. I would never recommend anyone who was in the status of mine to drive like I did. It was so hard to concentrate after a lack of sleeping. I see things but not really seeing it, if you know what I mean. I had to pick the most annoying radio channel and had my left hand keep punching my leg to keep myself awake. I didn't know what the binder was saying, I just kept saying 'okay' and nodding my head for no reason.

However, I was safe home after dropping my 11 babies to him!

Given Birth

It's gonna be short as I am so exhausted......

Doing a Master is like giving birth- long and painful right before it all happened but the joy afterward is humungous (still need to find that part out slowly....Right now, can't feel anything). Just let you all know that I have finally given birth to my 11 babies few mins ago (The mother and her babies are all safe) after some real fight and tears. Now I am about to go to the binder after a night without sleep!....My first time too see the sunrise for uni work......I wouldn't say I can get used to it.....so tired!! so tried.......

anywho....see you all soon after I recover from it....last night was such a long night.

Thank you all for helping me through this!!!