Being True to Oneself

I am glad that I start connecting with the group tonight. What happened in the last two weeks brought me forwards to the group.

• It's hard to be true to oneself without hurting other peoples feeling. It's also difficult to accept the crude truth without being offended, when others are being true to themselves.
• There are a lot stuffs going on in my life recently and I haven't been considerate nor been nice to people around me. I just simply don't have the energy. Saying less was the only way I could hold myself together. Thus, I haven't been communicating well and have been blunt about what I wanted. I have been accused to be selfish, inconsiderate, and control freak by friends/colleagues. It hurt.
• It was really irritating, when he kept being polite and running in a circle without telling me the core. I lost my patience with those sugar coated nonsense. 搔癢搔不到癢處！性子急起來，沒耐性聽他鬼扯，直逼他說重點！Finally he lost his tame temper over my provoking. He was afraid that the cruel truth would hurt me and he was right. It does.

Now, I don't know how to deal with his honesty. I don't know how to act anymore because I feel all my actions are assessed. I will hate myself if I change for him because I don't want to and because I am stubborn. However, if I don't change, I will be wondering weather or not he is judging me. I don't feel secure nor free anymore. No matter what I do/think or don't do/think, I will think of his comments now. I don't agree with his accusation completely. If this was like what he said, one of the main concerns, he would be too intolerant. If this is not the key issue and I am already reacting to it this badly, I don't know if I can handle the truth. I start wondering if he was right after all.

• Is it easier to be happily(?) alone than be with someone whom you wish could have more connection or intimacy with?
  
• I wish I could have more courage to desire what I want. Every now and then, I would risk it, but most of the time, I play safe. It has worked well for me and has been my defensive mechanism. When I am vulnerable, it's the time I need the support the most. If I don't desire anything, then when I don't get them, I won't get hurt nor disappointed. However, when I am close to someone and when my need doesn't get met, the disappointment would destroy me more than knowing I have no support.
• I have been on both sides in the last few weeks
• wanting more communication: I kept giving and giving unconditionally and wanting to have clear and honest feedbacks, but all I got was politeness and 無關痛癢的 differences. It really drained me out.
  
• not giving communication: Then, I gave up. I guess my care was not really unconditional after all. I was shattered and it was easy to just shut myself down. When he turned back, I was too tired to make any more efforts, so I gave him all had got left: cold shoulders and minimum communication. I felt in control and empowered by doing that.
  
• I think I am really lucky because I have someone who continuously shows more communication initiative than I do.
• However, it seems to change for some people after a long marriage when they pass the "being interested phase" in relationships.