Unfinished Business

1. I need an apology from him
2. I need to hear that he regrets what he did to me and recognise that he let the best thing in his life go

Lights,
Heater,
Music and TV
All ON,
To fill out the emptiness of the house.

How do you know that you are no longer young...

When,

1. A new colleague about to join your section, and you talk to your other colleague.
"Have you heard? There is a new person starting next week and he was here this week. The rather young guy, remember?" I said.
"No. It was a rather old guy!" She replied. Disagreed.

Then, we found out we were talking about the same guy... #$^@&@#$#

2. You start being cautious and anxious about the nice gesture from married men. And, you start looking at ppl's ring fingers.

The Ball

This was the fourth time I went to the ball and no, I still don't have a dress. That's right, I borrowed someone else ball dress as usual for the fourth time and someone did my hair and my make up! They were beautiful! 天生麗質難自棄 (Can't help it coz I was born to be beautiful!) *Kill me somebody*

The night started with a little car accident, which I backed into his car. Damn! I completely forgot he parked behind me when I was hurrying out with two of my colleagues. No one had parked there for months and I was so used to get out of garage without checking! Oh well!

We went to the pre-ball first and I had to be a pain in the neck to our young graduate colleagues first.
"Come on! Young ppl!" I said, trying to get all their attentions on the thing I was holding.
"Here is this thing called Film Camera! This is what we used before digital camera came along!" I pretended to be very serious and ancient (well, I felt ancient as I was the only one holding a film camera) as I put the film into my camera.

It was freezing cold tonight, but the ball was great! I drunk a whole glass of champagne without realising it's alcoholic. Yes, I was very blond! I had too much fun that I thought I was drinking bobble juice, while I was meant to be the sober driver! I danced the whole night and my feet were killing me by the end of it.

Just when I thought everything went very well, there were some awkward moment which I didn't quite manage to avoid in the end. I admire his courage and I thanked him for what he said to me, but that's all I could reply to him.

Tired, tired, tired...
Safe home
Sleep.

In a Dilemma

I went to my new transition group and surprisingly, there was no one from my old group. More than half of group have known each other during their previous trainings. As you may be able to image, it was very intimidating for me. They all share a very strong intimacy, just like my old group and I felt uncomfortably intruding.

It was the first time I looked at the clock every now and then, and hoped it'll be all finishing soon. There were quite a few things to get used to, the different facilitators style, different and shorter time, a much smaller room, new ppl to build the connection with and so on.

In a way, I want to change group, but I would be very disappointed at myself surrendering to obstacles so easier. I believe things happen for a reason. Besides, I love challenges and I am simply stubborn. I know it may not be so bad if I try harder to fit in. After all, they are all Youthline members! Wouldn't it be fantastic to develop that kind of intimacy with more ppl? However, I also recognise the need to develop my skills in a safe and comfortable environment.

I am in this dilemma, which I don't know what's the best for me. However, time is running out, as if I want to change group, I have do it as soon as possible.

It's very stressful and frustrating!

The White Masai

I thought the culture shock I had was bad.
I thought I was strong and brave to be in a cross-culture relationship.

I was wrong!

Compared with her, my experience was nothing. I had tears in my eyes after watching tonight's based on true story film, The White Masai - A Swiss woman married to Masai (a tribe) warrior and lived with him in the Kenya bush. The story hit a little too close to home, I guess.

There were a lot of feelings that I can identify strongly with her, such as love, culture differences, compromises, and conflicts. She was so strong and so optimistic, which I admire deeply (eg. the first time she had sex with him and the car accident). What amazed me more was the different approaches she took with some of the struggles she had. It struck me to see alternative ways to deal with misunderstanding and frustration, and realised how things could have done differently with my relationships. The love they shared was strong and both of them had tried so hard, but it wasn't enough. Sometimes, you don't end up with the person you love, no matter how much you love each other.

It is a deep and intriguing film and I strongly recommend it to anyone who is interested in diversity between cultures :)

I was driving across harbour bridge earlier today and a thought troubled me,
"Is it the best to hold back my feeling for other men until I no longer have feeling for him?"
"What if I never can get over him?!"

Then, she - my dear gentle friend from the other side of the world told me wisely,
"You will never stop loving him"
", but you will learn to deal with the pain."
"He'll always be there but maybe in a different way."

Live Life to the Full

I went to work and had early lunch so I could be ready for my first game - Ultimate Frisbee! Yeah yeah, I thought the same: There is no way that it could be classified as a sport! I was wrong! Very wrong!! Five minutes into the game, I regretted that I ever doubt about this sport! I was puffing like a dog! Gee~ What a tough workout! After witnessing how ppl played with 3 players spilling blood on the court today, I now understand why there were so many serious injuries (including broken bones) last season, considering it's a non-contact game (yeah right!)

After we got beaten up (which I realised later that 11:7 wasn't bad at all as the following weeks we got trashed 22:2 and then 26:2! *sniff**sniff* I better get used to losing), I spent sometime helping a colleague with modelling (Yeah! I am finally useful and no longer a 米蟲 (rice insect) at the company :P) and went to the section training. Then, I rushed off to my first ever transportation paper at Uni. It was so refreshing to get back to study again! Not to mention, I can have student discount too!! The material was rather easy understood, but fast as it combines two undergraduate papers all together. It all makes sense as long as they keep throwing me the math formula (Gee...that sounds so geeky!)

After my three hours lecture, we went for dinner until half way through it, he got a "road rescue" call from his friend. Perfect timing! I was able to fit in another activity - catching up with my Slovak girl friend who happened to be in town for the evening! We went to a bar for some drinks together and then I started to salute Indian food to her friend (he is an Indian) as it has become quite a habit to share my new passion for Indian culture whenever I meet a Indian. Then we went to see the Czech/Slovak film - Lunacy! It was a dream came true to watch a Slovak film with a real Slovak :)

The film was about what's normal, and it was disgustingly funny! There were meats, eyeballs, brains, and tongues all over the place - moving, which was rather disturbing but very cleverly done. For example, my favourite scene was after the main character got put on a restraint jacket by force, the camera slowly moved into a living modern supermarket and gazed on a fresh meat wrapped in plastic wrap - breathing.

The quote of the day had to be this one.

After the movie finished, the guy behind us said...
"So... It's a movie about meat, EH??"

New Culture Passion

After my passion for Germany football and Cantonese, my latest random habit is Indian culture! Well...more precisely Indian food :P

It all started from the night I took him to see the dark comedy called The Lesson written by his favourite absurdist play writer - Eugene Ionesco. Before the play, he took me to this southern Indian restaurant and I instantly fell in love with the food there!!!

Forget those boring butter chicken curries, southern Indian food are the best! I had Dahi Puri, which were crispy shells with potato and creamy yoghurt. They were as cool as what the menu said it is - A must try!! Then I stole some of his Rava Dosa and had my Utthapam, which was described as Indian Pizza, but it's nothing like a pizza except it was round :P Both were some sort of onion, tomato and cheese mixed pancake with potato onion curry... It tasted so goooooood especially with hands :) Oh...I also tried Mango Lassi which was mango with yoghurt. Mmmmmm.....So Yummmmmm......

Then, today, we went to see the India film Water. I just love culture diversity because it always gives me different perspectives to see things. That's why I am such a film festival freak! This film we watched was very depressing. It is about India widows (such as the main character, Chuyia who was only 8 years old), who must be forcibly separated from their families and sent to an ashram in 1930s. They had to shave their hairs off and can only wear white sari for the rest of their lives without any jewelry. In short, all they were doing was waiting to die. It's visually appearing, culturally enriching and emotionally touching.

One of the quote I really like from this film is

Narayana: All the old traditions are dying out.

Kalyani: But what is good should not die out.

Narayana: And who will decide what is good and what is not?

Kalyani: You!

Auckland International Film Festival 2006

We went to see The Cave of the Yellow Dog, which was the first of my 3 films for the day.

Before the movie started, he said to me,

"You really get yourself out a lot these days, eh?"
"What do you mean?"
"You are into stand up comedy, football, fruit festival and now film festival!"
"Film festival is an old time love! Oh you forgot the theatre, youth counselling and my Cantonese learning!"
"Right~I just thought that maybe one day, you will come up with something really random, such as gallery or something like that, eh?"
"Well, now you mention it, I am actually going to a friend's art exhibition next week in a gallery!"
"..."

Anyway, this is a vivid slice-of-life film with breathtaking landscape. The acting was so nature that I almost thought it's a documentary! Besides the the amazing romad Mongolia life style, there were also subtext of some philosophical and spiritual questions all over the place, such as reincarnation and human value. Two scenes really struck me.

Scene 1.
"Try to bite here - your palm." The mother said to the 6 years old girl, Nansal.
"You can see it, you can touch it, and you want to eat it, but you just can't have it!"

Yes, indeed, sometimes you have to let go even it's something you really loved, just like my Young Lily. (P.S. Yes, I did try like a kid naively at the cinema and No, I couldn't bite it, neither.)

Scene 2.
When Nansal got lost during grazing a flock of sheep alone, she was sheltered by an old woman. Nansal was curious about the value of human life after she told her the legend of the cave of the yellow dog. The old woman didn't say a thing, but smiled and took a pot of raw rice out. She scooped up the rice and spilled on a toothpick, and asked Nansal to do the same.

"Let me know when there is a single rice balancing on the top of the toothpick" She said.

The girl kept on trying until she got very frustrated.
"It's impossible. It's too hard" She said.

The old woman smile and said,
"That's how hard to become a human. That's how valuable the human life is!"

Dress Shopping

There are certain places at certain times where have been classified by me as high risk areas to run into certain ppl and I should by all means avoid it if I could - like tonight.

Phew~ Fortunately, I was lucky and didn't run into certain ppl :P

She would be so proud of me if she had seen me tonight! I was such a pro in ball dress shopping (even I was the only girl who doesn't own any dresses among us all)! I helped girls finding suitable dress style, gave random suggestion to a random girl at the changing room, and advised on what colour/style of earrings are the best for them. Me, myself was also busy trying all sort of different dresses, odd tops (by my standard) and skirts bravely. However, after hours "tramping" in the mall, I was still the one and the only girls left empty headed, but full wallet :P

The quote of the night

"Hey man, I am so tired!!! That's why I just wanted to sit down."

"Is that why you went to the toilet for so long?!"

Confidence Touchstone

They are my confidence touchstone.

They help/train me to be sensitive to what's belittling me, so that I can work on my confidence level and beat my weaknesses instantly. It works very well to assist me in finding myself in the last 9months. Every time, when I feel embarrassed with others seeing them, I know I am not comfortable with the crowd around me or the situation I am in. That means I care too much about how others judge me and I am not confident enough to be who I am!

Now, I am however surrendering them to WORK!

Should I feel disappointed at myself being assimilated or should I be glad that I no longer need to feel self-conscious because I am "normal" now?

I think it all goes down to what's important to me. If I can still pretend to have invisible confident touchstone and continue being tuned in to my intuition without physically keeping them, then it could be a win-win situation :)

The End and the Beginning

I was very anxiety and didn't sleep all that well last night as today was the last session of my training. I was nervous of giving/receiving feedback to/from others as after all, sadly, I am such a people pleaser! It took me 5hours to get everyone's feedback ready. Most of my anxiety actually came from seeing everyone for the last time as a group. It was like I was having a intimate relationship and I have been seeing someone every Saturday. Now it has come to the end and there is this emptiness in my life and I have to find a way to fill up my Saturday from now on.

I have learned so much not only the counselling skills, but also most of all, myself. I really appreciate them providing such a safe environment for me to explore my Jo-Hari Garden together with others. It has been a privilege to share my brave journey with those 16 beautiful souls during those precious eight Saturdays. The depth of intimacy we feel towards the other has been amazing, considering how little time we actually spent with each other.

I was the last person to do the close up because naively I thought if I had never spoken, the day would have never ended. There were tears in my eyes by the time I finished. I am going to miss everyone but at the same time, I am looking forwards to starting the transition, where I'll continue growing with some of you. Thank you guys, for being there and giving me so much generous support in your feedback. I'll work on my strength and learning edges. Best wishes!

Strengths:

• Great empathy & sensitivity towards clients
• Compassionate, caring and warm
• Open in the face of struggles which helps others and herself to be strong
• Friendly, hardworking and intelligent

Learning Edges:

• Relaxation and staying calm
• Asking for help
• A little hard on herself
• Like to take control

Murphy's Law

Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong!!

I took the first bus of the day to the CBD at 6am this morning. It was dark and gloomy. I sat down in a bar waiting for my coffee and others to arrive. Suddenly, I saw a familiar face walking in - his friend.

"Hi!" I said.
"Hey...what are you doing there?"
"Watching the football! and you?"
"Watching the football!"

The moment I saw him, I knew HE wouldn't be far behind. I turned 10 degrees more to the left. Here he was, looking expressionless. He was up at 7am in a bar? Oh! I forget that soccer trumps everything, just like Germany to me :P. They sat down with me and my lonely coffee.

I hadn't seen him for a while and I really cared about what he was up to these days. I would have liked to talk to him more, but fortunately or unfortunately his friend just can't shut up!! I decided to move closer to the heater, which was my best decision of the day. Gee....his friend just can't stop talking, such an attention seeker! No wonder they are good friends.

The bar was quiet, but the tension and anxiety were still in the air. I had to go to the bar and requested some hot water for my weakening bronchus during the half time, but the waitress only brought me slightly warm water, which didn't help with my breathing.

Just when everything was about to happen, my diligent colleagues decided to go back to work! How pathetic was that! Sadly, I went with them and ended up reading live report about the extra time at work.

I was too depressed to work after knowing my beloved Germany didn't win! It's such a sad day!!I felt like going home!!

Strangely, I was more devastated than most of the Germans whom I know. It's funny that they had to comfort me from the other side of the world, rather than me comforting them! Anyway, my World Cup fever has ended today. There is no point to watch the other semi-final or final as only the Germans are worth sacrificing my health and sleep! *sniff* *sniff*

I was told that Men have a higher divorce rate than soccer fans divorce the team that they once supported. Well, I guess I will be married to Germany then!

Happy Birthday Song

Later today...

"Hey there, Happy Birthday! Can I sing you a Happy Birthday song?"
"Yes, you can"
"*cough* *cough* Here you go....Don't Cry for me Argentina......"

Before I could finish the first line, I had got what I deserved - The finger!!! Excellent! Good to know that we shared the same passion for the game :P

I know that I was mean to the birthday boy, but I had to get this out of my chest!! :P

Fishbowl

I had a great day at training despite the lack of sleep from watching the World Cup.

During the trial exercise today, I was able to deal the difficult call outstandingly. To be honest, I thought I would have done horribly as the first 3 ppl were struggling to handle it and they have been the most excellent ppl in the class in the last couple of sessions. Amazingly, when it was my turn, I suddenly became calm, fully grounded and centred, and the right words were just coming out of me themselves magically.

It was such a remarkable experience to be able to sense the energy balls firing towards me and my energy shield kept me safe to have a tranquil mind to deal with the challenging ppl and situations.

What a Game!! What a Game!!

Germany v.s. Argentina

I went to bed at 9pm and then woke up at 2am to support my Germany team!

Nothing really happened in the first half, except we were running around the CBD looking for a bar where wasn't full, so we could get in and watch the game. We condescended ourselves to settle at a Turkish cafe first, but the atmosphere was so crap. 10 mins into the game, I finally had the courage, so I nudged her and asked quietly,

"Hey, the white ones are German, right?"

That showed how much I knew about the team I devoted! Embarrassingly, I was actually supporting the wrong team at the beginning (Who would expect that the German players were the white ones with their goalkeeper wearing light blue? Navy blue for Argentines?? Go figure!!)

We moved into another bar during half time where my first instinct while I walked in was: I am soooo in the wrong bar!! The house were full of Argentines supporters with flags, hats and passionate chanting. Then, suddenly someone from the back shut out, "Go Germany!!"

"Right, that's where I am going to be!" I slowly moved myself to that direction :P

I can't remember when was the last time I was so anxious and thrilling. My stomach was all cramping up after Argentines scored the goal. The whole time I was like,
"Oh...no! No...no... no!..........arrh....PHEW~~"
"Come on! Come on!.....arrh....oh~~"

When Germany equalised in the last 10 mins, the tension was so intensely unbearable that I found it difficult to watch and breath at the same time.

"Deutschland! *clap**clap**clap*"
"Deutschland! *clap**clap**clap*"
"Deutschland! *clap**clap**clap*"

The extra time was as tense as the 2nd half, if not more. The atmosphere was crazy and everyone was so concentrating and nervous. I was praying for Germany to hold on until penalties, coz I had great faith on their brilliant goalkeeper! And they did!!! Yeah!!!

"Lehmann! Lehmann! Lehmann!" I cheered loudly with the rest of enthusiastic partisan Germany supporters! (I am still losing my voice~)

S.I.L.A.N.C.E.~~then SAVED!!!!

"YEEEEES! YEEEEES!" I went wild with the whole crowd!

The tension continued. Everyone was on their feet in gripped suspense...until...
The moment Lehmann touched the ball, the place went hysteria!!! "YES! YES!"

The collective sense of relief and joy was so overwhelming!! I now understand why there was a baby booms in South Korea after the last World Cup. I was jumping in a frenzy of joy and hugging random Germans around me!!!!Phew~ Phew~ What a game!! What a game!!

After the usual txting and international cellphone calling with the Germans in Germany, I went home to sleep briefly at 6:30am before my full day training. I was so glad that I risked my life (still recovering from my Asthma attack) to see this unforgettable footballing spectacle!. It was all worth sacrificing my health and sleep in the end!!