After so many years, he is still cheating on her. Can I or should I do anything about it? Is it my place to say anything?

I feel quite useless.

I survived Lake Waikaremoana...Just!

It was an remarkable weekend in many levels - physically and emotional!

I cracked down in tear before the weekend even started it. There were just too many issues to handle, but it's amazingly how we can turn all that to a beginning of a beautiful long weekend. He was right about the dead rat - "Would you eat a dead rat now or in a week's time? No, you don't want to eat a dead rat at all, but the sooner the better!"

The group consists of 3 American, 1 Canadian, 2.5 kiwis, 1 Aussie, 1 Indian, 0.5 Taiwanese. We left around 5pm on Friday and arrived the camp site just before midnight.

The tramp was really challenging for me, especially uphill! On Sunday, the weather was horrible. It was wet, raining, gusty wind, hailing and SNOWING! It was the 19 km, 11 hour tramp with steep muddy 3 hour, uphill climbing 1100m above sea level! One of our teammate even suffered hypothermia when they arrived the hut at 6pm and they had to use body heat to warm her up! The second group with me being the weakest link, reached the hut at 7:15pm, just before it got dark. I barely made it, but I was so lucky to have the "Orange Mark" team support me and had all the right borrowed tramping gear. The next day, an woman from the other group said to me
"You look much better this morning. Last night when you came in you looked like you were in shock!"

On Monday, it all cleared up and it was magnificent scenery!!! I thought it was going to be down hill, so I was fool enough to say: Let's sing because now I can join in. Right after I said that, it was a long UPHILL :( - ONCE! Then I saw down hill! I thought it has to be it, so I said: Look at that beautiful scenery! Let's do it (the whole tramp) again! Right after I said that, it was another LONG UPHILL :( - TWICE. The third time, I saw down hill, I kept it quiet and whispered to other: Let's just get this done with.

I enjoy the evening time. After a long day hike, it was such a luxury to be in the shelter, in dry warm cloth and have some warm food. We had no lights nor shower. Everything was very basic, but I felt rich. I felt I had everything I wanted in life - laugher, singing, feeling alive, warm cloth, warm food, birthday cake, people I care for and people who care for me.

I have no voice now - not from singing or laughing, but more likely from the heavy breath, I am exhausted, my muscle are sore - which I didn't realise I have them, but I feel great! Being close to the nature and around the Lord-of-Ring-ish forest make me feel so ALIVE!!

What we tried to achieve is so challenging that both he and I felt like resigning today :(

Now I think I'm so lucky that I didn't get his job :)

New Role

I have been enjoying my new role. My direct boss has showed a lot of encouragement and appreciation of my performance and opinions. I'm so glad to have him as my boss and I work better when I know my effort is appreciated. We respect each other and we make a great team. I don't even mind doing background read during my spare time. That's how much I enjoy my new job!

Today we had a frustrating meeting with all the big bosses. Everyone came with their agenda and expectation and nothing really get done from my perspective. I can see my direct boss was as frustrated as I was and I jumped in to try to save him (us) and get everyone back to our interests. However, it didn't work :( After everyone left, we had a chat and confirmed that we felt the same about the meeting. He encouraged me to continue doing what I was doing disregard the meeting.

I like my boss!

Goodbye Tauranga

I feel sad about leaving TGA this week. Everything I do, I know it's for the last time...for a long while. I am going to miss the people and the lifestyle, especially the two min to work bit! However, my phone didn't feel the same, it went back to Auckland already!!! (I left it in the site visit car!) What's worse was that the guy who took the car is on leave until 4th of November!!!!

I really appreciate the opportunity to work in Tauranga in the last 7 weeks. I have learned a lot of traffic engineering which was what I was hoping to pick up during my stay here. Besides, it has been a great experience to work closely with different disciplines such as planning, geotech, and storm water and feel my opinion matter. I am going to miss the new friends I made and the lifestyle in Tauranga a lot. However, at the same time, I am looking forwards to the new role and new challenge!

I said goodbye in style! I promised myself that I had to do up-down and up-down of the Mount before I leave. I thought I had more time to do the training, but nah, so I had to it today. I walked up, rolling down, crawled up and falling down, but I did it!! So proud of myself!!

Breathe In Breathe Out

I finally "CHOOSE" to come back to Auckland this weekend (Oh well, I lied. There is a meeting on Monday that I have to attend to, but I did want to spend the weekend in Auckland rather than being told so in the last minute!)

We went for a long stroll in my backyard on Saturday - From Caster bay to Browns Bay. It was a beautiful day and it's so nice to enjoy the sun, breeze and smell the flowers. I run into him on the walk, who was taking his parents for a picnic. His mum was so friendly that I was a bit surprised when she hugged me and kissed me on the cheeks :#

After lunch we chased the bus hard and was very lucky to get on it just on time! Phew~ We quickly freshed up ourselves and then went to a birthday do. Again we were having fun outdoor and doing a couple of 'weird' games in Tahaki reserve :)

Today was a resting day for me to have a little space for myself to sort out some chores, but having him around :). I feel fully charged now! Tomorrow, I have to go to a kick-off breakfast at 6:30 AM and also a meeting.

Breathe in, breathe out
Tell me all of your doubts
Everybody bleeds this way, just the same
Breathe in, breathe out
Move on and break down
If everyone goes away, I will stay
We push and pull
And I fall down sometimes
And I�m not letting go
You hold the other line
Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

- Breathe In Breathe Out, Mat Kearney

Souvenir from Tauranga

I blamed the pay day, but I was so tempting to walk out this shop with 2 bags, 1 sunglass and 1 wallets! It probably has more to do that I am leaving Tauranga soon and I feel like getting some souvenir out of this pleasant working holiday.

"Go on! Tell them the truth. It's because I'm moving down to Tauranga, so you want to run away and go back to Auckland" He said and we all laughed.

Then, he turned around with a paper on his hand,
"I don't blame her. I resigned straight away once I heard that you are coming!"

My AMA journey...

It goes something like this...

Brilliant Interview 8/Sep
He had great faith on me and push me to the level that I didn't know that I was capable reaching. It was an exhausting one and half hour interview, but I was glad with the outcome and many times I surprised at how much I have learned in the last 2 years.

Apparently, I did so well at interview that he started throwing curve balls half way through to demonstrate to the other interviewee my capability - a more senior role that I wasn't applying. He has put my name forwards to the Alliance to consider me as a candidate. I would be really keen on taking up that challenge if that happens! It's going to be a huge responsibility and will be outside of my comfort zone, but I know I'll have great support from people around me even it's a big step up for me. That's why I am so excited about the opportunity and really thrilled. No matter what's the outcome, I really appreciate his support and being taking interests in my career.

Disappointing Result 12/Sep
I had my hope up so much that when I was told I got the job, I was really disappointed even I had the job I applied for. On top of that, I found out that he also got in AMA too. I had a big cry after a thoughtful caring phone call, and then I was as good as new!

Sleepless Night 16/Sep
I couldn't sleep because I couldn't bare the thought to work under him!

Jumping with Joy 17/Sep
At workshop, I found out that he is NOT my boss and we are not even in the SAME TEAM!!!!!

AMA v.s. TGA dilemma 18/Sep~26/Sep
As 1st of October getting close, there are pressure to get me on board with AMA asap to strength the team. My future bosses have put down the deadline as 13/Oct. I understand their perspective and I want to be there too. However, on the other hand ,the ideal date for me to start on the AMA if it was agreeable would be 3rd November. In that case, I would have spent 2 months in Tauranga at that stage making the exercise more worthwhile for both me and the team in Tauranga as well. And of course, I love the life style here. I haven't got fed up with Tauranga yet.

Verdict 30/Sep
After battling to delay my start date with AMA, I still have to cut my stay here short :( Thus, this coming Friday will be my last day. Very gutted, Very disappointed, Very Sad. I tried to list all the pro's and con's on both Auckland and Tauranga. I think Tauranga had 8 pro's when Auckland had only 2 :( (But they are important to me)

Yes, no, maybe. I don't know. Can you repeat the question?

You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now
You're not the boss of me now, and you're not do big.
You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now
You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big.

Life is unfair . . .

- Boss of me, "Malcolm in the Middle" Theme Song

City to Surf - 12 km run

I don't know how I got myself into this, but I'm going to do the great walk in Lake Waikaremoana for the Labour long weekend. I start going to the gym and doing as much training as possible from now on. I think I'll DIE, but hopefully by doing all those workout, I'll die slower! That's why I went for a 12 km run this morning (very last entry!!). I saw sunrise though!

"Are we there yet? Are we on 1/Nov yet? Can someone just fast forward to the end of the that 20 km in one day tramp?"

TGA Sweet Shop

I'm so proud of my TGA customer!!!

From the first two weeks that barely half of chocolate was eaten to this week that they finished the whole block of chocolate in a week!!!! I can now retire from TGA. :D

Technical Support isn't too Technical

You know that I didn't want to wash your amperes. The reason is I knew there was something wrong with my washing machine. The maintenance guy came to my apartment this morning and I found out that I have been "baking" my clothes i.e. I haven't been washing my cloth at all. It was set to dry my cloth only all along :(

No wonder my cloth isn't washing properly....and I was smelling very natural recently! :x

Closeness

We become closer but I feel safer than ever. However, the vulnerable emotion came later just before I left for Tauranga on Thursday. You didn't say a word and you were cold. I had no choices but left you alone because I had to and because I thought you needed some space. I was glad that you rose the issue. At least we acknowledged that there are still differences in our cognitions.

When we met again, it was for this fun costume party until 2am. I had fun even sometimes, I felt lonely in the party. It's amazing that when you pretend hard enough to have fun, you can actually start enjoying it more. After you were gone, the emotion hit again. I took out pen and paper and started writing a long letter; a letter I would probably regret to write and send later, but I had to put my thought down or I couldn't sleep.

My eyes are tired and I think I can finally sleep now...

I'm really close tonight
And I feel like I'm moving inside her
Lying in the dark
I think that I'm beginning to know her
Let it go
I'll be there when you call
Whenever I fall at your feet
And you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

You're hiding from me now
There's something in the way that you're talking
The words don't sound right
But I hear them all moving inside you
Go, I'll be waiting when you call

Whenever I fall at your feet
And you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

- Fall At Your Feet, Crowded House

First Weekend in TGA

The sun was shinny, the birds were singing and I was up early (7am :o) and ready to explore the Mount. However, not fitted!!! Almost killed me, but the view was breath taking! I'll be back to conquer it again!!

I was so excited about having visitors and sharing my little discovering in this town with someone else. Then, we went to the twins party, which was really fun! Knowing me with camera, all I needed was some invitation to take it out. Once I had done it, there was no turning back. Within few hours, I had taken more than 150 photos already!! :x

It was a big night for him because for the first time he felt welcome. However, I didn't feel the same. We had a bit quarrel about some other trivial issues, but I know he was trying to push my button because he felt hurt when it wasn't as big deal for me as it was for him. I tried to explain, but it didn't seem matter :(

I had an wonderful first weekend spending in Tauranga. However, I had to come up to Auckland tomorrow for the AMA interview. Is it possible not seeing Auckland every week?!

I'm really close tonight
And I feel like I'm moving inside her
Lying in the dark
I think that I'm beginning to know her
Let it go
I'll be there when you call
Whenever I fall at your feet
And you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

Fall At Your Feet, Crowded House

My Life in Tauranga

Weather is marvellous here as it’s always sunny and even when it’s a bit wet outside, the office is only 2 min away from my apartment ;) Talking about my home, it has everything from toaster, ventilation, washing machine, drier, hairdryer, bath tub with spa to oven etc. I did go and checked out the gym, but it was a bit intimated as it was very "manly" when I went there. It was small with few treadmills and the place was packed with smelly men.. :x

I have been quite excited about little achievements at beginning such as cooking, strolling to water front to have lunch, discovering chocolate shop, second hand shop, juice shop, restaurants, library, art gallery, video shop, vege shop and even seeing places such KFC, Mcdonald, Startbucks, National Bank, and Hannah were exciting; making effort to talk to people, finding out what other people do in the office and getting invited to Friday lunch and BBQ were all intriguing to me. However, those little excitements disappear quickly as I get used to the city and start feeling a bit lonely when I have no one to share those achievements :(

My new colleagues are very friendly and I have learn a lot of different engineering disciplines that I wouldn’t normally get across, such as water engineering, stormwater, Road Asset Management, Fire engineering, roading tender, planning and of course traffic engineering. I have picked up some new vocabulary such as 'nil detriment', 'mitigation', 'aerial photo as built' and 'walking isochrone'. It’s such an alien language.

Life starts getting into some sort of routine and there are different kind of joys now such as I keep running into ppl in town and they smile at me and say hi. It’s not too stressful at work compared to Auckland and I have nothing much to do in the evening except cooking, relaxing, watching TV, reading, writing and sleeping – lots sleeping :D. See, very healthy lifestyle :) Once the summer comes (and after I get my license back – I left it in Auckland last weekend), I would like to explore further than foot distance during weekend and evening :D I have been asked few times that if I would move down here permanently. I think I am enjoying it so much that I wouldn't rule that possibility out at the moment :)

Last weekend, I went back to Auckland for my University reunite. It was a pleasant night to catch up with lecturers and friends, and hear how the department has been grown in the last 40/45 years. The evening was full of laughters and joys with trivial stories. My supervisor was the MC and he had done a fantastic job to deliver a memorable night. There are some old song and flag from the ’80 and we got to heard the remade and see how pound those students were to be a TAM/Esci students. Songs with LP formula were an highlight and we revisited it during the dinner. Everyone was singing Davey-Boy to the lecturer who has kept telling us that that formula is the most important equation!! And see what we do? We sang it back to him :D

This weekend, I’m having my very first visitor and I am so looking forwards to it! However, I have to come back to Auckland on Monday for my interview. I was really hoping to spend more time in Tauranga this weekend. Oh well, there are plenty of time!

AucklandSick

I am missing Auckland already even I am still sitting at my North Shore home. Really, I should work on my job application, but updating my blog seems more important than anything else at the moment.

The place I am staying in Tauranga seems nice - King Size Bed, Sky TV, Gym, Spa, service apartment, 2 mins walk from work etc. It all sounds exciting and promising with new challenges, new office, new colleagues, and new environment. However, even I hate to admit that I'll be bored, I think I'll be a bit lonely.

I miss you already.

狡兔

三窟！

I am so cunny!! ;)

I have kept finding excuses not to call her because I didn't know how to talk to someone who has just been through a lot of operations after a serious car crash. Fortunately, she made it all so easy. She was in a good spirit and was really honest about her progress - all the good and bad, all the sadness, pain, struggles, thankfulness and joys.

She is an inspiration for all the people around her! :)

May love, prayers, good vibes and healing energy be with you, brave woman!

It had been two months since I was in the hub. I was feeling a little bit apprehensive, especially I wasn't buddying up with anyone and it was late at night.

I had a girl and I feel really humble afterward. There isn't too many chances in life that one can talk to the old oneself and I was lucky to do so tonight. She made me realised that I have come a long way living with my stubbornness and high expectations, and suffering from my guilt and demon.

I was in great agitation after I put down the phone as I felt that it was such a privilege to give that hope to someone who is struggling in a similar way as I used to be. Now, coming out from the other end of the tunnel, I was able to sympathy and to give her my rapport. I meant every single word that I said to her and I was talking to the old me too. My words were powerful and important to me as I reinforced and validated my own success in my own journey. Once again, I always got out a lot from the call.

重圓

I don't know how I did it, but things used to bug me tremendously are no longer trouble me. Really, I don't need to know or want to analysis how I could let go. The important thing is I have moved on from the rough patch and feel solid, secure and happy again.

May the myseteous 080808 infinity power be with you too :D

破鏡

Life starts getting better for me. Everything is still running in a circle, but it's in an double helix style i.e. even it feels like I am running in a circle, it does move up (Gee...I must be a good modeller!). However, those negative things said in the holiday are still fermenting and troubling me. They are hurtful not because they are hard to accept, but because I don't think they should be the issues and that breached my limit for tolerance as the same as those negative things added up to be a big negative for him. I really want to move on, but I am still struggling to do so, so I have decided to go down to Tauranga for 3 months to have some fresh air and hopefully learning few new things and find out wether 破鏡重圓 or 破鏡難圓.

Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady
Men's shirts-short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction
Color my hair-do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel
Man! I feel like a woman!

- Shania Twain, Man, I feel like a woman