I Panicked

I panicked!
I had too many thoughts,
With too little time,
Which I didn't know at the time.

I panicked! I panicked!
No start time was recorded,
So the call wasn't able to be traced.
It was entirely
MY FAULT.

I wish I had followed my instinct
I wish I had done what I should have done
I mucked up big time!
I wish I didn't screw up the little girl's life.

I panicked! I panicked! I panicked!

Karma

Karma works in a mysterious way. However, in this case, it was just not fair!!!

Arrrh!!!

She shouldn't have had suffered for what her brother had done. She is a lovely girl and he was such a jerk! I was screaming and angry inside, but I couldn't say what I wanted to say out loud because I knew it would have been for the wrong reason. It would have been for me, rather than for her and I would have definitely regretted it. I am glad that I wasn't swayed by my feelings or acted rashly, but still it really irritated me to see her get hurt the way I did.

On the grass, under the tree next by my favourite beach, we shared the most intimacy with each other. We cried, we laughed and we supported each other with all our hearts. Looking at the sea, I admitted that I have been self-harming myself badly mentally. Disclosing my darkest secret completely for the first time wasn't as intimidating as I thought it would have been, because I know that I am no longer feeling lonely in this battle.

- Thank you for being there holding my hand and loving me!

"I could so date you!"

My Best Friend...

My best friend *pause* TV died during the long weekend!!!! I was devastated!!

Instead of having a soulful life, such as reading, cooking or sleeping, I spent the whole day trying to make my computer work, so I can watch DVDs on it. However, lowering the monitor to the ground level, lying on my bean bag, typing keyboard on my lap and using mouse from an awkward position are just a bad combination for a disaster to happen!!

This morning when I got up... *Ouch* I twisted my neck! Great! Just great!!

Oh! For those who are so obsessed with problem solving or have such scientific/logic mind, here are the symptoms and tests that I have run.

Symptoms:
1) The sounding is fine, but the TV screen is twisted horizontally.
2) DVD doesn't work and neither does Video.
3) The TV menu text are shown fine!!

Tests:
a) I have changed the DVD input from channel 2 (at the back of the TV) to channel 3 (at the front of the TV).
b) I have tried re-channel it manually.
c) I have pull off all connections to DVD and video.
d) I have tried rabbit ear antenna.

Diagnosis
" Buy a plasma!" They said.

NOTES:
Due to circumstances, Anita Entertainment Ltd is closed until further noticed. We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause. Donation towards further technical investigation/investment is welcome. For further information please contact party hotline, where a friendly representative will be with you as soon as possible. Your call is important to us.

P.S. I think my best friend has Alzheimer because if I tried hard enough, it would remember how to read a DVD. Well, 1 out of 10 chance at the moment. Maybe I am not completely losing my friend. There is still hope!

27/Oct/2006

Randoms Captianing

The battlefield was brutal as usual with my brave Randoms worriers!!

We led 16-12 at halftime, despite Power Rangers liked to pick on the little me! Why can't they pick on someone with their own size?! Or I was just too brave/naive to recall the law of physics - conservation of momentum? When the little bee hit the elephant, the bee will bounce back in the same speed, while the elephant is still stationary. Duh!

However, we fought fearlessly and restlessly! Well done, team!!

Despite the fact we finished with "second" again (we didn't win, but we were second!), we are still just behind the second last team!!! (Yes, the Captain is still in denial :P)

"Are you our Captain?"

"Yes, I am!"

"Shouldn't you be at least 6 ft tall?"

"*^^*. Sorry for letting you down, team!"

Crash (2004)

It was very interesting to see different groups of my friends crashing with each other tonight at Anita Entertainment Ltd. Somehow, I felt I was whole again. That's when I realised the different social patterns I adopt to, when I am with with different social groups. It's not that I put up different personas, but it's just I show different sides of myself more in one group than others.

It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

- Crash (2004)

Restless, but Fulfilling Life

The talk I gave in the assembly went really well considering how little sleep I got from the night before. The key message I wanted those young girls to take away isn't how great it is to be an engineer, but they can become anyone they want to be. It's okay to feel lost and don't know what they want to be. I didn't know who I wanted to be and I still don't know even I started a career in transportation. However, I believe that there is no right or wrong choices in life because you always learn things on the way.

I came down to Tauranga right after the school visit, and then went straight to do the travel time survey in the afternoon. In order to compensate my hard work, I treated myself a very nice dinner on the waterfront with lovely wine and sunset (with project budget, of course :P). However, the dessert was really disappointing though. After some happy tipsy phone calls, I went to bed early, because I had to get up at 6am the next day to do another survey. There wasn't too much time relaxing or sightseeing afterward neither, because I had to drive all the way back to Auckland. I was so exhausted that even V (energy drink) didn't work on me and I had to keep punching myself on the face and legs to keep myself awake. I was half-dead when I got back to the office and my colleagues reckoned I should have just gone home. However, I really wanted to go to my transition group, so I ended up having a power nap on my desk after doing my assignment.

If I have learn anything in the last two days, then I learn to be humbler.

I came down to Tauranga with all sort of wrong attitudes. I was feeling superior, even arrogant! First, I was very Auckland orientated and thought how it could be possible that Tauranga would have any traffic problems compared with Auckland?! I was very wrong! Another thing I noticed and feel shameful to admit is that I am getting materialistic. (Damn! The evil corporate world has finally corrupted me!) The reason I came down alone and got a surveyor was that it's cheaper! But it doesn't give me the right to estimate how helpful the surveyor could have been based on her hourly charging rate! She was very insightful and I wouldn't have got out so much from my visit if it wasn't her with all that useful local knowledge and life experience. Not to mention, the best lookout place and the best fish & chip in Tauranga!!!

The more surprised I was at the traffic problem and how knowledgeable the surveyor was, the more shameful I felt.

Rubgy 101

I had my Rubgy101 today at the Corporate Box, Eden Park (Is it too obvious that I am showing off here? I am just a bit too excited about the whole experience with the food...oh and the game, of course(!) :P).

My lesson started with learning how to pronounce Rugby properly (I was pronouncing it as Robbie and ppl thought I was going to see Robbie Williams....:$), following by the difference between Rugby Legend and Union. I was a very good student and was very concentrating on learning all the rules in the first half until they brought out the food....

"Pssss......That is called a TRAIL"
"$^&%$*%#*#"

Ouch!

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up.

- Meredith, Grey's Anatomy (2005)

Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

- Meredith, Grey's Anatomy (2005)

Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more. Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

- Meredith, Grey's Anatomy (2005)

A Dream Call

I got a call which is every counsellor's dream - The caller told me her issue logically and came up with her own solution in her own time.

She was confused at the beginning, but something I reflected back to her must had clarified the whole issue for her. She thanked me enthusiastically and knew exactly what she was going to do without me even trying to guide her through. I basically just sat back and relax with minimum effort and let her do all the work (which is what a counsellor is supposed to do). I feel an almost natural high after the call.

I feel very privilege and humbler to share that joy with her.

Such a good call!!

"I miss you."

Time Poor

I apologise that I haven't been updating my blog for too long. Life has been very busy....I am overdrafting with my time and very "time poor" these days. Here I am, trying to make up to my loyal readers by outlining all my excuses of neglecting this blog. I'll slowly put all my unfinished posts online soon. I promise!

Two weeks ago, I had some colleagues over and everyone brought a plate for lunch and we played Mah-jong, piano and learning guitar. We were going to have a team training for our Frisbee team as we were/are losing badly!! However, we had our first win yesterday!!!! Yeah!! It was such a significant day!! We won effortless (*shhh* never mind the bit that the opposition couldn't play so we won by default). Oh Yeah~ I temperately have a guitar and learning as badly as my Cantonese :P. Few other events I organised were share-dinners following by DVDs at my place.

I have been occupied this week with 2 Taiwan visitors (my primary schoolmate's high school classmate, who I have never met before) staying at my place, but I was busy with my counselling training/Uni class/theater ushering/assgt on Wed and Thur nights, so I haven't spent much time with them. However, I took a day off on Tuesday and showed them around. The latest Anita tour packaging included Mt. Eden, Uni, Queen St., T-Mart (Taiwanese shop) and Bakery King (Taiwanese Bakery). I know it's sad, but they seemed to enjoy them very much :P

Yes, I have been also involved with Youthline and trying to become a solo phone counsellor this year. We had a marae weekend last week and it was very special for me (even I have been to marae 3 times before). What else have I been doing? I also do FutureIntech which promoting science, engineering and technology to NZ kids by bring scientists and engineers to classrooms. I am having my first school visit in Oct at my old high school in Assembly.....It's scary, but at the same time going to be fun.

I hope it's enough to excuse my neglect of the need of my readers.

- - - - -

P.S. It took me longer than I thought, but here you go - my promise to you all after 5 weeks. Phew~~ I finally caught up all the posts, but now I have slightly-less-post-debt to get out of :P

23/Oct/2006

Te Aroha

This Marae experience has been really special for me.

It really touched me deeply how ppl struggled through their lives and amazingly still breathing. I got very emotional throughout the weekend. I cried, I sang, I smiled, I gave supports, I sang more, I cried and cried. It hurt the most to see the ones whom I love, I respect and look up to, suffer through difficulties in their lives and I wasn't able to help at all. They are all brave warriors; they stood up there telling their family history, up bring, feelings and sufferings. I feel truly privilege and humbler to be there and hear all the stories from others. I didn't sleep much because I didn't want to miss out any body's sharing until 3am, but I feel very refreshing, peaceful and not tired at all.

I really wanted to get up there and acknowledge the person I love the most in the room, but I wasn't able to do it. I knew it would have brought up a series of my personal issues and I wasn't ready to face it yet. However, I managed to stand up at the closing and briefly told everyone where I am at. It was more difficult than I thought it could have been, even it was just admitting I have some unfinished business. I was so emotional that I had to pause a couple of times and ended up shedding few tears with my speech.

I am going to come back to this marae in a year's time and I want to get up to that sharing space and disclose my story to this loving whanau (family). I'll seek help from face to face counselling if necessary, so that I can be strong for others when they need me - my promise to the whanau and myself 2006.

Te aroha                             Love                   
Te whakapono                         Faith
Me te rangimarie                     And peace
Tatou tatou ee                       Together

Kai kaha ra                          Be strong
Kia manawanui                        Be patient
Kia u kia maia                       Stay the course
Tatou tatou ee                       All of us

Locked Out

I forgot my keys and got locked out tonight :(

It must be what I wrote on the Remark for tomorrow's Mah-Jong session. I jinxed myself by saying "Hopefully I'll be home".

The neighbour wasn't home, and bro wasn't picking up his phone. I was tired, cold and hungry, so I called my tutoring kids.

"Hey... are you guys home? Can...I...come?" I asked
"Eh...But, we are going out for dinner now"

"Umm....."I hesitated, then I said "Can...I...come? :P"

"Let me ask Mum and Dad" She said. A moment later,
" Yes, you can. Do you know this restaurant called...?" "You can meet us there."

"Eh...Umm.....Can you pick me up *^^* ?"

Yes, as you can see, I was very DESPERATE!!

I found the whole thing funny and I had to share with all my colleagues who are coming to my house tomorrow. They were all surprisingly caring about my situation and some even worried about my safely. I was touched by them.

The night ended nicely with a free dinner, brother rescuing and a song promised to dedicate (a.k.a mock) to my experience.

The First Charge

I was very nervous about my first ever phone call, but I think it went well last night.

It last for 24 mins and there were points that I just didn't know what to say - Arrh! Panicking! However, the mentor was very helpful and supportive by keeping passing me notes. Ppl said the first charge was always the hardest and the most challenging, but it was really fulfilling to be able to help someone. It was a wonderful feeling to hear the caller thanking me as she felt much calmer after talking to me. Of course, there are heaps learning edges I identified myself and I still have a long way to go before I become a solo counsellor!

I was very attached with the call and I ended up having all sort of counselling dreams last night! Good practise, but I was so lack of resting that I couldn't function properly at work today!!

"Help!! I need another name apart from my real name!"
"How about Maybel?" Someone suggested.
"Huh? Why?" I was puzzled.
"Maybel Lin"
"Huh??? Why?" Confused, I was still.
" Maybe It's Maybelline~"
"..."

*Maybelline is a brand of make up

He would be proud!

He would be so proud of me if he had seen me tonight.

I was so enthusiastically (as always :P) to share (a.k.a show off) my knowledge of India to Indians at this farewell party. They were stunned by how much I know about Samosa Chat, Bhel Puri, Pani Puri, Dahi Puri, Rava Dosa, Masala Dosa, Utthapam, Mango Lassi, Masala tea, Gulab Jamoon, Mehandi, Water (2006), Fire (1996), Holi and Rakhi festivals!!! Apparently, I know more than they know about Indian culture :P Hahahah... It's so cool!!!

"Oh my God! You really know a lot about Indian culture!! "

"Do you have an Indian boyfriend?"

"...^^|||"

Do I know you...?

"Hi... Do I know you from somewhere?"

This seems to be my latest "pick up" line with random guys on the street.

Few weeks ago, I saw a guy in BK and I bluntly stopped him and asked him where did I know him from, then his name and all other details. He stood there and both of us tried very hard to think how we met without any success. After he left, my friend said to me,

"Is that your latest fishing technique? Because, it seems to work pretty well there!"
"... ^^|||" I was still very puzzled because I couldn't remember how I met him and it really bugged me.

This morning, it suddenly hit me - I know!!! We were in the same acting class last year!! That was a relief! Then, again, this afternoon on my way to my lecture, I stopped another guy and the same thing happened!

I just thought I would update this latest fishing technique, like before :P

You are amazing

"You are amazing!" She said to me after I told her what I have been up to these days.

It meant a lot to me to hear that, as she has been someone I really admire and love since the first day we met. She has been truly an inspiration for me and I remember I said to myself, I want to be just like her! It was very encouraging to hear that from her personally.

I know you are going through some tough time, my beautiful friend. However, hang in there because - For me, you are amazing!

Futureintech Ambassador

I am now one of the Futureintech* Ambassadors with a proud badge! It's so cool to have a title such as Ambassador even it is far from what a real ambassador is doing. Soon, you will be able to find my profile online. My first school visit will be my old high school and TALK in the assembly! It's gonna be intimidating, challenging, but interesting at the same time.

Pepole choose different ways to help out the community. Some do donation, some do volunteering work, some do WorldVision, and some just do their job well. For me, both Youthline and Futureintech are my way to contribute back to the society. A way to say thank you to those whom help me through difficult times.

I have always been lucky to have a lot of ppl to enlighten me and to give me guidance as I grow up. Even when there was no one, I was lucky enough to have the strength to go through some low patches myself. Now, I have fought my way though in this complex society and turned out to be fine. I know how difficult and confusing it could been so I want to help out by sharing my own experience. I hope I will make a difference and touch some ppl's lives, just like those who had make a difference to my life.

*Futureintech is an organisation to promote science, engineering and technology to kiwi kids by bring real scientists and engineers to classroom.

My girl, hiding at the corner
feeling hopeless
couldn't turn back time
couldn't move forward

I, who knows no better
feeling helpless
could only stare
could only share
that searing pain

I never said I wasn't damaged
But, I am here now
Let me hold your hand
Put my arms around
Piece by piece
We will glue ourselves back
Together - One day

Before Sunrise (1995) and Before Sunset (2004)

The back to back movie night went extremely well. Both movies were excellent choices for the wide diversity of the crowd. It has an romantic story line, but there were various and deep discussions on environmental issue, how media influences our live, relationship, reincarnation, travelling, poem, taking chance, live at the moment etc, which everyone seemed to enjoy it.

I thought that I had passed the phase of being passion about travelling, but the movies brought that part of me back to live. I guess it has never left me. I didn't thought I had much common with the story except I was in Europe for a year and backpacking for 4 months. However, when I woke up this morning, few faces and stories came to my mind, which made me have a strong connection with the movies now.

1. I did the same thing as the movie surprisingly on the train to Vienna. I met a girl and we had a very nice chat. I wasn't planning to stay in Vienna as I had been there so many times. However, she proposed an excellent idea which I couldn't possibly refused- seeing a play in the opera house for free. No one expected or waited for me in Slovakia, so I jumped off the train with her and spent the night in Vienna, just like the main characters.
2. Another time was on my way to La Tomatina (Tomato Festival) in Bunol, Spain. I met some random guy (again!) on the train. After a very brief chat, I trusted him enough that I gave him my camera and let him take me through the crazy festival. He didn't let me down. He made sure I had the best experience with all the flying tomatoes and protected me when ppl tried to rip my T-shirt all the way through the festival. I then went to his flat in Valencia for the second shower. Going home with a guy I had just met is a shocker even when I look back now. However, his generosity, hospitality and kindness left me with a soft spot for him and the country. And, yes, I do have his email, address and phone number :)
3. Then, not to mention, there was also a guy I liked and is married now.
   

"The movies were all about what if and I am just wondering have you ever wondered what if you didn't have him back then? Would you have done anything different?" She asked me.

I actually have pondered that question before. I think I would have either gone very wild or haven't had the strong intimacy with all my life time friends. Yes, without a bf I would have had more freedom, but at the same time I was glad to have him as my rock. No matter what happened, at the end of the day, I knew there was someone that I can turn to even he was on the other side of the world. I was very lucky to have that kind of security. And also because of him, I was able to make strong relationships with guys without worrying their or my attention as I made it clear no one was going to cross the line as it's a friendship only zone. With that attitude, I was able to open my heart completely to every single souls I came across and shared some special moments in our lives without fears or doubts. So what I am trying to say is

"No, I still prefer to have had him as my rock because I would never want to trade those special moments and friendships"

There are so many nice quotes from these movies and I have been discussing them in White Massi's comments, but here are some more!!

You know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? Is when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they're thinking of you. You know, you'd like to think you're both in all this pain but they're just like 'Hey, I'm glad you're gone' (Before Sunrise, 1995).

Memories are wonderful things, if you don't have to deal with the past (Before Sunset, 2004).

I used to think that if none of your family or friends knew you were dead, it was like not really being dead. People can invent the best and the worst for you. (Before Sunrise, 1995)

I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt. (Before Sunrise, 1995)

There was nothing to buy, no advertisements anywhere. So all I had been doing was walk around, think, and write. My brain felt like it was at rest, free from the consuming frenzy, and I have to say, it was almost like a natural high. I felt so peaceful inside. No strange urge to be somewhere else, to shop. Maybe it could have seemed like boredom at first, but it quickly became very, very soulful! (Before Sunrise, 1995)

OK, well this was my thought: 50,000 years ago, there are not even a million people on the planet. 10,000 years ago, there's, like, two million people on the planet. Now there's between five and six billion people on the planet, right? Now, if we all have our own, like, individual, unique soul, right, where do they all come from? You know, are modern souls only a fraction of the original souls? 'Cause if they are, that represents a 5,000 to 1 split of each soul in the last 50,000 years, which is, like, a blip in the Earth's time. You know, so at best we're like these tiny fractions of people, you know, walking... I mean, is that why we're so scattered? You know, is that why we're all so specialized? (Before Sunrise, 1995)

I have this awful paranoid thought that feminism was mostly invented by men so that they could like, fool around a little more. (Before Sunrise, 1995)