What does it all mean?

• She broke the promise and told them
  
• I had a mentoring session
• I had to put $$ figure
• It has been a week
• I had my first new APD group.

Nothing seems to be structural at my life at the moment and I feel so frustrated. Everything seems inside out, upside down. I feel out of control and unsure where is everything going.

What does it all mean?

A little bird

A little bird told her about me assessing options so she called me into her office. It was nice to be able to give her a little head up and a chance to tell her what I am looking for.

Tomorrow is a big day as I'll face my demon and another senior. Then, I think I am ready to make the final call.

You make time!

I have made good progress with her today. She helped me clarify what is important for me and also role played some upcoming tricky conversation. I learned a lot as usual. Thank you!

"You make time!"

Holiday

When your close teammate decides to take an indefinite holiday, what can you say? You want to respect and support his decision, but at the same time you have to deal with that anxiety, uncertainty and wonder where it is leading? what does it all mean?

The normal work contract says, you can have 4 weeks holiday each year. Does it imply that he will lose his job if he takes more than 20 days? I don't know the answer, but I just know it hurts.

Mentors

When I walked her up to Pitt Street and asked for advice, I run into him. He is back for few days and again :x, he invited me for a coffee. We chatted about me and I was thrilled when he offered to fly me over for a week just so I could feel secure and have some guarantee. I could really see myself develop under his wings. However, he is in Australia and I want to base in Auckland.

Then, he called me up and I hinted about my movement. Quickly, he kindly offered to have a chat with me and give me advice in my best interests. He even gave me a job number for it :o

Tomorrow I am meeting another respectful senior after work. I wasn't able to meet up with my "official" mentor for 6 months, but I am lucky enough to have these many seniors to assist me in making the right decision for me and by me. Thank you all!

It hurts

- I am glad that at least it does

...But if I lose the highs at least I’ll spare the lows
...Once bitten twice is shy

- Leave Right Now, Will Young

This week can be summerised as

• 4 nights out
• 3 alcohol nights
• 3 V
• 2 Slovak Visitors
• 1 sick leave
  
• 1 nerve breaking presentation
• 1 Peking Duck

2 Slovak Visitors

It's exciting to catch up with friends from far far away and find out what they are up to in their lives.

It rained buckets when she flew in late with her boyfriend on Sunday. They were knackered after travelling for the whole day from Sydney so it was just a simple pick up and drop off to town. Then, we had a girls talk on Tuesday to find out each other's life. She seems not too happy, I have sensed. Maybe, it's a normal blue before a cold winter.

On Wednesday, few hours after she flew out of Auckland, he landed. Same hostel, same nationality, and same friends from 2003. He has lived to this side of the world for 18 months now. It's nice to finally be able to pay back all the exciting experience he ever gave me in Kosice. The first Anita Night Tour including Mission Bay, eating mussels, eating Movenpick Ice cream, Mt. Eden and Playhouse (without "playmates" ;))

I was going to drop him back earlier, but the ex topic came up and I guess I had felt what he has felt - the hurt, the wonder, the unfinished business, the sorrow and the naivety. That definitely worth a couple of more drinks!

"Emotions pull on your heart - up and down - sideways"

"Tell him that we didn't have orgasm tonight"

Socail Events

Four basic scenarios

• I want you to come; you want to come
• I want you to come; you don't want to come
• I don't want you to come; you want to come
• I don't want you to come; you don't want to come

Then, when you put two humans (and one of them is me) into that equation, suddenly it develops into millions out of control scenarios with its own complications.

However, it could also be summarised as

• Jump out the bed
• Iron shirts
• Run into the heavy rain for the airport

雨大 ● 有他 ● 心安

Holiday Programme

I stayed at home, didn't talk to anyone and simply just wasting time.

During the week, it's always busy busy busy. Most of weekends, there are social events to be there for others. In between, there are people that I am thinking of, worry and care for. It's actually quite good for a chance to just be selfish and had nothing, had no one and had no strings attached and just being with myself - lying in bed, lying on my bean bag, watching TV, going on shopping, having comfort food full in my pantry, having a hot drink, having candles around me etc.

It has been a very stressful two weeks with things in my mind all the time. It has unfortunately affected my interaction with others. I used to be able to look after others and been there for them, but now I have my own need to be looked after. However, being me, that sometimes meant pushing people away even I don't get the comfort I need.

I am afraid that they can't give me the comfort I want. I am afraid that once I have the expectation, I'll be disappointed.

I KNOW that I am unsure, I am puzzled and I am frustrated. But I hate people who try to help me by problem solving or simplifying my thoughts. I don't need people using those counselling crap and guiding me. I feel stupid and patronised.

Then, it stroke me though that I wanted to stay in this no strings attached status for longer than a weekend. I decided I needed to work on my communication and needed to come out.

Decision making

He called and brought the reality closer.

Right now, that person could be me, but the opportunity is not going to be there in 6 months time!

*Sign* :(

A Series of Unfortunate Events

So, it started with that there was this tree that I wanted to trim; there was brother's car parking under the tree. (Note: The car hasn't been started for a year now...) So the plan was pushing the car out first, so we can jump start it and park somewhere safe when the worker trim my tree. However, the reality was a little bit more complicated than that... A day with a series of unfortunate events. A day with a good story to tell now.

First, we had to push the 2.2 L Toyota Camery out! (Well, HE had to push it out without breakfast, when I just simply sat in and steered). He was extremely strong and managed to move the whole car with good speed! (I didn't know those Weet-Bix ads were real :o) It was a good start, except that my leg was too short or the break wasn't working :x I almost didn't stop the car in time (Hand break! See I am smart, sometimes :p) Phew~~

Next step - Jump start! So, I left the car and helped him to drive my car out of my garage, so we can use my powerful 3L Nissan. After few adjustments, he finally got cars close enough for the jump start wires. Carefully, he started my car engine and then connected the wire, when I supervised by not touching anything, but looking.

*HONK* *HONK* Brother's car alarm went off madly! Yeah!! A great sign!! Then, out of joy, I approached the Camery and found myself got locked out. Yes, the key was in my brothers car when the alarm went off and automatically locked the car.

So, two hours after, we decided that neither of us should ever consider to be a car thief as a career. Oh! Did I mention that it was raining too? Spare key? No, I called bro in UK and unfortunately, there was no spare key.

My lovely buddy gave me his AA (Automobile Association) card, so I can call the road service. Then, I found out that he HAS to be there :( In the end, my kids' mother came with her membership card. Phew~ finally, I got hold on AA and they sent a rescue car to my place. He opened the car in one minute, jumped start the car and left! Yeah!

So you thought that's the end of my jump start story? NOPE! By this time, I was exhausted and scared at my brothers car, so I asked the supportive him to move the car and possibly went for a bit of drive to recharge the battery. He kindly agreed and drove away. As I was feeling relieved and turned to chatted with my concerned neighbours, I saw him running back toward me. What's wrong now? - The engine died, soon after it left the driveway and the wheel and everything was locked and lost control. Fortunately, he wasn't hurt and was able to park the car about 150 m away from my house. However, the car window was still down :( Thus, he came back to take the jump start wires and we drove his car to my brother's car in the hope to have enough power to close the window. We weren't able to start the car, but at least the window now is close.

Phow~~ *The End* for now...

Chicken Wing Party

There are few of my HK colleagues who love chicken wings so much that they always fight for them every time we go out. So one day we decided that it would be an awesome idea to have a chicken wing only party. Thus, that's today!

The rule was everyone had to bring a dish that consisted of chicken wings, so we had

• The so called Grilled Thai Chicken Wings ("There are 10! Who hasn't eaten mine??!!")
• Coca-Cola Chicken Wings.
• Lee Kum Kee Oyster Sauce Chicken Wings
• Chicken (wing meat) Salad
• Spicy Chicken Wings
• Indo style Chicken Wings with Tofu
• Grilled BONELESS Chicken Wings with Sweet-Chilli sauce
• Pizza Hut Fried Chicken Wings

Err...Now, I am chicken wing off :x

Dehydration

The drinking water at work was contaminated, so we had no water for the whole day.

Yes, there was bottled water got distributed and I was the first few victims having it - Best before May 2007 :x

Puhoi Kayaking

I started the day with my favourite breakfast - McDonald Egg & Beacon Muffin! Then, we drove up to Puhoi for the river kayaking :)

There was no "Low Mileage Club", but a lot of rain, singing, laughing and fun! We wondered around streams and explored the 12 km of the Puhoi river where we were advised to go to. I got tired in the end and it was also the toughest bit as we were close to the coast. The wind was strong and the wave kept pushing me to the mangrove. It was so frustrating that no matter how hard I paddled, I didn't seem to move much. In the end, I was lucky to got "towed away"

I got home and my garden has also been made-over :) It's all tidy up and neat :)

"我馬達真好！" :D

Teamwork

A gigantic trousers, two crazy people, both in - roll over!

What an effort! What a team work! :D

Offer

I have been talking to many people and asking for opinions on my future.

• Some have taken time and personal interests to share their experience/knowledge even from across the Tasman.
• Some have invited me over for a Philippine dinner or pancake breakfast and given me insightful information;
  
• Some have looked out for me;
• Some have offered what I want and put no pressure on me;
• Some have spent a lot of cellphone money and made me not feel alone; and
  
• Some has always been there for me and felt excited for me, no matter what decision I am making in the end.
  

I feel grateful to have those people in my life. Now, with offers on the tables, it's time to go back my un-so-happy relationship and see if they can give me what I want.

Goodbye, J

He has been a star engineer and a great friend. Now, he is gone :(

I am definitely going to miss him. He has been the main push for all those wonderful social outings in the last two years, which has been keeping me going when the job wasn't satisfying. I don't know how the gang is going to operate without him, but all the best, my friend.

Pancake Breakfast

She said she had the urge to make some pancakes, so of course as a good friend, I had to go and helped out :p It was so yummy that it helped to clear what I want.

• I want more responsibility
• I want strategic modelling
• I want economic BCR
• I want ITS
• I want project management
• I want to be seen, be recognised and be appreciate
  

Pay Rise

It was more than I thought :(