Cancer

I am exhausted; however, it's exactly what I was aiming for - to be numb and not to feel a thing!

But, when he diagnosed my cancer cells are toxic, I suddenly felt thrilled and woke up from my dead mode to the reality instantly. I am feeling a bit apprehensive and anxious about cutting my cancer cells out of my body, even I know it's the best for me. However, these days I no longer know what's right, what's wrong or what I really want. Everything seems so confusing and trivial and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I have to do something/make decisions and there is no mistake allowed, because I am too fragile to afford another hurting. It has been like walking on thin ice blindfolded (with some real friends beside me keeping me safe and I thank you). All I know is I have to keep on going, and I have to be meticulously careful with where I put my next step.

It has been a frustrating period of my life. I am sick and tired of myself feeling the same way for so long and leaning on my friends so much to show me the right way. If I don't take the ownership of my problem, soon all my friends will stop pitying me and leave. It's easier said than done, but it's my fight, not anyone else and it's not fair for my friends to deal it for me.

It's time for me to take matters into my own hands. Even I have no clue where I am going from here.