Monday, May 21, 2007

Anxiety Attack

I am scared and terrified!

The thought of taking them to see her finally kicked in last night and my stomach has cramped since last night. It's like someone is terrified the 'height'. It's easier to block the fear or look away in a day-to-day life. But now I have made the commitment to 'bungy jumping'

I am scared that I won't be strong enough to take her through the process. I wasn't able to protect her back then, and I am scared that I won't be able to protect her once again. I am apprehensive about how I am going to hold her and how she is going to feel when she faces her darkest demon. I promised to look after her, but I am scared I'll let her down once again...

I was freaking out the fact that I freaked out this morning. I hid in my bed and didn't know what to do. Outside seemed so bright and scary, and I wasn't brave enough to face it. I was helpless, but I sent out some S.O.S which later brought me hope and comfort.

I ended up going back to work (Yay! Work! I knew it would be useful one day) in the afternoon because being alone hadn't done me any good except being more helpless.

I am scared of being alone right now... There are hands I want to hold, but I am afraid he is going to let me fall...

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