A Private Room in the AV Library

I just thought this headline is sensational! My first attempt to be a tabloid writer :)

The real story was rather insignificant to be named, so I shall leave it to your imagination :P Go wild, my friends who really know how to bring out the worst of me :P

My Symbols of Power and Love

I came a long way. Over field and forest, over lake and mountain, finally I reached the destination - the cottage with a person waiting inside for me. He was about to hang me the symbols of Power and Love.

First, it was the Power - a delicate little golden key. Then I was left there alone feeling apprehensive/awkward without seeing my Love symbol. Just before I realised what was going on, it hit me hard and unexpectedly - the overwhelming sadness and the searing pain were all enveloping me. I felt breathless with a nearly black red emptiness depressed my chest (For some reason, I can FEEL the colour). It's not quite a visual symbol I was receiving, but a FEELING. It was too much and I nearly cried.

I woke up from my visualisation feeling terrified and puzzled. It was supposed to be a joyful journey to embrace Power and Love. Why was I the only one having such negative feeling? And most of all, What does it mean? Is it the solution of my sorrow?

Then, the message came through...
"I was given a key to love, although it was too heavy and too much for me to carry!"

Still... What does it mean?? I am bugged with the version/feeling I had, but all I can do right now is be with the feeling and hope one day the mystery will reveal itself - albeit maybe it will never.

Pub Hopping

I first met up with two friends and start exchanging all the gossips (*cough* *cough* I meant catching up! They are real hard men, of course, they don't do gossip! My bad!) over dinner and then one of them kindly offered me a ride to Ponsonby. However, I thought it's just me forgetting where I parked my car, but no. He couldn't find his car and I was bursting! After all the dramas and playing find-a-space-to-sit-in-a-mess-car game, I finally got to my first bar for the Pub Quiz (or the American would like to call it the Trivia night).

We couldn't deny it, but yes we really sucked. Whatever! (which incidentally was our team's name) I have never been good at this game, so it didn't really surprise me that I wasn't so much helpful! But it didn't spoil my mood like it normally would in the past. It's because that I now accept myself who is just not good at certain things and it's okay to be imperfect :P We left halfway through and aimed for the next bar - Poetry reading.

It was quite a new experience for me and I didn't know what to expect. The whole room was packed. We walked across the room and sat on the floor spontaneously. I didn't like most of the poems. However, there was this lady who had such a gift describing things with rhythm and wit. She had two poems and I loved both of them. We joined halfway through and left halfway through, because he was starting getting bored. Time for the next bar.

I promised to take them to my little green bar in Ponsonby. However, I didn't realise how far away it really was. Although we walked the entire street (Good exercise, I claimed!), we did find it and they did love it!! It was as cosy as my last time here and we chatted until as late as my last bus home.

Alcohol consumption: zero :)

"Hey, you look older!" A family friend said to me excitingly.

"Thank you!" I replied.

See there are so many ways you can confuse people by saying a little thank you even she really messed mine up first.

Disclosure the real me

It was such a privilege to be there and felt safe at the same time to share everyone stories. Some have hided them so well and some didn't know what kind of guilt or/and hatred they were bearing and how these have consumed their lives. Everyone was so brave to experience self disclosure and explored their Jo-Hari Window, including me.

I was so proud of myself because I shared something which used to be my darkest/shameful/heavy/disgusting memory in my whole life. I was quite dubious whether or not I was ready to talk about it. However, I didn't feel any sorrow, shame or pain after I shared it. Of course, I also identified another issue waiting for me to deal with next, but I am not afraid of it anymore because I know one day I'll make it okay just like my previous one!

We all are afraid of sharing who we really are because we fear for being vulnerable and being judged or hurt by others. It seems to be so dangerous to disclose some of our personalities truly. However, what I realised today is that things are only big because we think they are big. Once you face it and are able to speak it out loud, it's really nothing. Everyone is the same; we all carry our own burdens and it's us making a big deal out it. The consequences aren't nearly as bad as we imaged it would have been. Sometimes, reality is actually easier to deal with.

Rodney District

This was my typical day in the last two days.

• Slept in
• Morning called from him
• Got picked up by him
• Went for a drive to different beaches
• Got paid for everything
• Saw so many breathtaking scenery
• Got dropped home by 5pm

Yes!! Did I mention that I love my job? We took turns to drive around the countryside 2 hours north of Auckland and I just fell in love instantly with the landscape and the nature again. New Zealand is such a beautiful country and I still get amazed at its charm now and then. We took so many marvelous photos which had very little to do with the job we were assigned to. However we believe those spectacular photogenic places will be a very important characteristic when we try to model the trip production and attraction (Yeah right!).

Understanding

" How could someone just jump into another relationship so fast?" She said to her furiously when she found out her ex is in another relationship.
" ... " She felt awkward as she was about to tell her a personal story on that subject herself.

I really thank her for having that experience because she made me learn to see it as an okay behaviour, just like how I am more lenient and tolerant on cheating now. There are those whom in my life I just can't hate. In order to continue loving them, I have to learn to be more understanding and accept it isn't that unforgivable after all. There is no right or wrong in relationships, I have learned. People just pursue their own happiness. I thank those whom I have come to love challenged my believes. Because of them, I am less hurt when unfortunate things happen to me and I am more understanding than I have ever in my life.

Oh! SHIT!!

That's pretty much all I could say in the end of my first time working overtime. My eyes were sore after concentrating on this project for 5 hours straight. Finally I finished drawing all the 24 survey routes for the Auckland traffic monitoring project and my colleague was letting me go home. However, I wanted to help her as much as I could as the report was due tonight, so I said I would stay for a little longer to tidy up the map. *Sigh* I wish I would have listened to her because then the disaster happened - I accidentally deleted EVERYTHING I had done for her!!! Oh yeah~~ "Oh! SHIT!!" was all I could say!! Ctrl-z?? Nah~ there is no undo function in this programme!! All I could do was laughing and going home!!!

It proved my theory - You should never work overtime! It doesn't do you any good! Just look at my first time working overtime experience.

The facts

I smile every time when I recall all the silly cute little things we did together, but it
doesn't change the fact you really hurt me the way no one had ever done to me, which
doesn't change the fact loving you was the bravest thing I have ever done, which
doesn't change the fact my friends think you are such a pig, which
doesn't change the fact you are really a nice and caring person, which
doesn't change the fact I hate what you did, which
doesn't change the fact I love all the efforts and the faith you had, which
doesn't change the fact there had been too much water under the bridge for you, which
doesn't change the fact I came back for us, which
doesn't change the fact it was too late, which
doesn't change the fact I am still crying and hurting, which
doesn't change the fact I am still strong and glowing, which
doesn't change the fact there are things that I never got the chance to say to you, which
doesn't change the fact we are both counting down days for the same return but for obviously different reasons, which
doesn't change the fact I still want to be your friend.

Please stop asking me How are you? because there is no simple answer for that, my friends! If you happen to see me hurting, remember that I am also glowing. If you happen to see me laughing, remember that I am also crying. Yes, I am profound, dubious, emotional and contradictory (yeah, basically I am a woman), but beautiful (as you all agree :P).

Auditing

After working 6 weeks, I have already made the list of 'Early warming for Occupational Overuse Syndrome'. Both of my arms, shoulders and neck are pretty screwed. My hands were tingling and my shoulders were having sharp pains from time to time. I even dropped my cup during the flat warming. My team leader had kindly assigned me to visit sites so I didn't have to use too much mouse and keyboard this week. However, it only made it worse because driving for me is pretty stressful!!

Anyway, it has been fun to do pedestrian crossing auditing and had some fresh air outside of the office this week. I have been enjoying it for the following reasons,

1. My driving and map reading skills have been improved heaps after this week. Thanks to all the poor company cars I was driving. Do you know that you can get a handbrake next to your clutch? What should we call it? A footbrake???
2. I now know all the regulations for a pedestrian crossing and I have bored all my friends with it. But, they asked for it! I DID warn them in advance that once I start, I can't stop, but they didn't believe me. So far, only the photographer who took my graduation photo finished listening to my lengthy speech without begging me to shut up! Shame on you, ppl!
3. Running into friends on the street at different parts of Auckland with my bright orange high visibility vest was random. However, I am sure no one can beat my orange vest, not even the Commerce Regalia (where the colour of the hood is also orange). This job does have some advantage to go picking up photos and meeting up friends for photos.
4. Making a female to work around Dressmart (a factory outlet shopping mall) is just a crude joke. How could I resist the temptation not to go in and do a bit of window shopping when I was surrounding with all the stunning clothes, shoes and bags on big sale??!! Coincidentally (!), I managed to have my lunch break there. That was my plan all along? Nah....it just happened that way. (Yeah, right!)
5. I accidentally discovered a lot of beautiful places around Auckland. They all have breathtaking views. Some are very romantics especially around sunset.
6. I also bumped into some interesting ppl during auditing, such as

• Policeman: He invited me into his little mobile office and showed me all the cool equipments inside, including the speed camera, the regulation of speed limit around school areas, the software, the number of ppl were getting fines that day, the paper work and the workstation. It's pretty neat! The best benefit I got from my visit is, from now on, I'll be extremely careful to look out for any RED VAN while I am driving!!
• Primary Teacher: I got a special request from a teacher to borrow my measuring wheel to show his students. Apparently, they were talking about it recently, so I was the best candidate to demonstrate the tool in reality!
• Nice citizens: Of course, you also got ppl who feel they have the obligation to their community, so they like to make 'suggestions' whenever they got the chance. "I think they should put a traffic light there! There are at least 2 accidents happening a week!" I got those a lot!

Graduation...again (!)

It was another graduation, except this time I felt very lonely. There wasn't so much excitement because not so many ppl that I know of were graduating with me. Besides, I finished my Masters too long ago to feel anything special tonight. It was a stage of my life and it has passed - along with my relationship. There isn't so much celebration for the degree nor for he and I anymore. Holding that unused 3rd ticket made me very depressed and sentimental. There is no longer 'us', but I still want to say - Thank you for that 18months walking beside me.

I also saw him again, on the stage, this time. Again, he made my heart smile. Suddenly, I realised the reason that I like him so much is because I always feel comfortable and happy around him. I was inspired by him anew and set another goal - I want to become just like him - bring ppl happiness and making ppl SMILE :)

It's June

...and I am terrified at the unkown

A Real Fish

After friends found out the real stories about my so-called winning fishing contest, they all called me pathetic!! This is sad, but in order to prove that with my potential I can win fair and square, I had to officially announce in my blog - I got a real fish!!

After my counselling training, I met up with friends for Salsa dancing! However, I was too whacked to do it, so I sat back with my coffee and watched and THEN... there was this Mexican/Irish/Scottish who came and chatted with me for almost an hour... :P

Okay, guys here is my little gift to all of you - How to make a girl give you her contact detail voluntarily without asking.

1. Ask her something that she couldn't give you in the instance, such as the address for rock climbing.
2. Give her your contact detail, such as your business card and tell her that you would really appreciate if she can find that info for you because you have been always wanting to do rock climbing.
3. Then, the next thing you know, she is contacting you voluntarily through either txt or email.
4. Mission completed!! You got her contact detail without even asking!!

(See! It's such a smart way. I shall put it into my own fishing practises!!)

I had only been to Salsa classes 3 times, but it was good enough for me to pick up all the move by just watching it and then danced with him fluently after my fish left. After dinner, a group of us came back to town for more Salsa party until 1 am. Hanging out on the street after midnight downtown isn't the most sensible or the safest feeling. I think I am just getting too old for the young lust night out.

Counselling Training

I was so whacked after 6hours intense counselling training. It was another amazing personal development opportunity for me to share my journey with others and to grow. I worked very hard to push my boundary especially in a large group situation. It's always easy for me to deal with a one-to-one based conversation, but to express my own believes/values/options in a large group in English has always be difficult. However, I was very pleased myself in the afternoon sessions to speak up my feelings to the whole group freely and even lead the whole group to thank the two facilitators for their wisdom and enthusiasm. I knew that the speech I did today was rather clumsy, but at least I did what I thought was impossible!!! It was a big step for me because last week, I really admired this gentleman who stood up in front of 75 graduates and gave a very appropriate thank you speech to the organisers from his own willingness. I remembered hearing myself saying, I wanted to do the same, but I wish I could have had his courage! He is actually the very one who made me very famous among all the graduates, HR and managers during the Graduate Orientation dinner. However, I was very inspired by him at that moment even he was still wearing my name tag!

Another interesting finding was about my comfort zone. I noticed how my body and mind react when I walked towards different genders and vice verse. My anxiety and tenseness shot up the highest when a male walking towards me, followed by walking towards a male, walking towards a female, and the female walking towards me. I always thought that in order to survive in this male dominated industry, I should have got so used to around males, but NO!! My arms, my chest were all tense and I couldn't breath when he walked towards me slowly. I also had to stop him from getting too close to me.

Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional! I like this quote and today I saw two living proof in our group. Especially this young man who is only 18 years old, but he was more mature than most of 25 years old boys that I know of. I am happy for him as he has such great potential to grow more!

Everyone was very exhausted by the end of the day, but I believe they are all as looking forwards as I am for the next 7 training courses with each other!

Unit Trust

After pondering for a week, I have made a serious decision to try some new things financially. I put some of my $pare money into a Unit Trust which enables me to invest a range of sectors from cash/fixed interest, property and shares in NZ and also internationally. It's risky, but I think I am at the best position to take one step ahead in learning how to manage money efficiently and the possibility of losses. My goal is to grow capital, but even if I end up losing some money, I'll just take it as a fee for a precious lesson for the future.

I actually have learned a lot about share, bond, trust, retirement, risk management, cash management, inflation, diversification, and investment strategies, since I took the initiative of finding a better way to manage my finance. It's always exciting to learn something which is totally out of your field, such as working at transportation while I didn't do civil engineering :P

Move out and in

They moved OUT and they are moving IN next week! So much of freedom and independence of my own! Oh well~ That happens! Let's just concentrate on what I can do this week.

I went to bought some significant essentials to celebration of being living alone again. The last time I have done that was 3 years ago in Europe.

• Knife: I need a good one to cut meat - Human if necessary :P
• Smoke alarm, Door bell and Timer plug: Again, for protection!!
• Bean Bag!!!: After suppressing my eagerness for 6 years since the first time I laid my eyes on it, I finally bought myself a Bean Bag to indulge myself. It's so awesome!! I love it! It's a TIGER so I am sure it'll protect me!
• Shoes: Err....how can I justify this? How about... I need one so I can run faster when I have intruders. Yeah~ See, it's necessary for my own safety!

Yes, as you can see, I am a little bit apprehensive of looking after the big house by my own, but I am so excited about it at the same time especially I have my own Bean Bag now! Why has it taken me so long to realise it's totally worth it? Yeah! Bean Bag! The second best human invention after ear plugs.

Graduate Orientation

I was 30 mins late than normal (because my graduate orientation started later than my office hours) and my bus dropped me at an unusual place, but guess what? He and I still run into each other at this ramdon place which I have never passed normally to go to work! I started wondering whether or not he put a GPS device on me to track me down whenever he feels like!! Very spooky!!

The orientation was very informative and fun today. I got to network with a lot of ppl and I really enjoyed meeting different ppl from other offices around NZ and Australia. The dinner went spectacularly well especially after a couple glasses of wine, ppl were getting too friendly. The name tag swapping made my reputation over the top! Ppl had this astonishing expression on their face when they found out my real name. They all went "Right!! So you ARE the Anita Lin!!", which made me a bit worried. Meanwhile, the other Anita Lin was trying to kiss the other guy and introducing himself to everyone he met, including the doctors passing by our restaurant in Ponsonby! Everyone knows my name now, which I am still unsure whether it's a good thing or not. I really hope my name is not going to make the headline tomorrow. However, I don't really care, as I actually enjoy my 15 mins fame. It probably has something to do with me being tipsy :) I better go to bed now before I wrote down all the dodgy stories :P

Falling in Love

How fast can you fall in love with someone? For me, it only took one hour. I have never met a person so inspiring, so energetic, so upfront, so sophisticate, so loving, so gentle, so caring, so cheerful, and so full of amazing life experiences. I am running out of words to describe her, but I love her - spiritually! The weekend with her was an awesome experience. She is the person that I want myself to be and I am so inspired by her!

How fast can you fall in love with music? For me, it only took one second. The upbeat and melodic rhythms transformed me into a loving exotic dimension where I have never been before. I let myself go and started dancing so freely until I dropped.

Few ppl and I had asked myself how to define a friendship and a romantic relationship. To be more precisely, how do you know it's LOVE. After this Easter weekend and falling in love twice unexpectedly, now I know! The answer is "You will know!"
I know it's probably not the answer you were looking for and it sounds very lame, but it's true. Love always hits you when you are least expected and when it's right, YOU KNOW!! I know!

I just remember one of my favourite quote which would be perfect to finish off today's blog:

Dance like no one's watching;
Love like you'll never get hurt.
Sing like no one's listening;
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

- Anonymous

Desperate Lonely Single Woman

It all started with my fishing plan for species XY and I guess I deserved my new nickname from him - Desperate Lonely Single Woman.

Well, for those who are interested, here is the final score for fishing. *drum roll* *drum roll* I WON by quantity with two phone numbers, one free CD sample and being picked up once. However, the rest of group would argue with me quality-wise, as boys actually got one opposite sex's phone number each and she got the email address from a Brazilian guy. But..but, am I allowed to fool to myself that I won the contest still??? Come on! I am desperate!!

Anyway, my 4 days Easter weekend started with a flat warming which the conversations took a turn for the worse when geeks started talking about cricket. I decided to walk away as I wasn't in a mood of making a effort, but looking forwards to my weekend in Taupo and Rotorua. Fortunately, he came to rescue me out! I didn't have to drive, but keeping up all the nasty sarcasm from him until I lost my voice wasn't an easy job either. I enjoyed his company even the 4 hours road trip in a small limited space almost made us kill each other :P It has been a long while that I spent such a long time with him without feeling the uncomfortableness!!

The weekend in Taupo and Rotorua was very spontaneous and relaxing! We did a lot of walking around Lake Taupo, dancing like crazy during Jambalaya (a festival of rhythm, dance and carnival), doing all sort of gymnastic flips at playground, and soaking into nature hot spring...Mummm~~ even though all my arms, legs and abs were so sore the next couple of days. The highlight of the weekend has to be sneaking into the backstage of the Saturday Party 2 hours before it started. There was this fantastic Brazilian group rehearsing on stage. Their performers amazed all of us. We just can't refuse but to dance with the rhythm in that awesome carnival atmosphere! It was like we had our own band and we danced like no one was watching! Ironically, my freestyle was categorised as Samba by our group and I was told I was such a brilliant Samba dancer by nature!! I was almost out of breath after a song or two, but I had so much fun and freedom to do all sort of crazy things!! Another achievement was that I also completed my Trampoline 101 with basic bouncy rhythm and I can't wait to see my master next time to learn real flips!!

We came back on Sunday afternoon and I went tutoring the kids. This week's challenge was how to break up and parenting skills (Me?!?!) I must had given at least an hour extra counselling session for the teenager and the Mum. By the time I came home for dinner, it was 9 pm and I was starving and exhausted!!

However, there was no time to be lazy, so I went to do my two hours coastline tramping with him from Mildford to Browns Bay. Fortunately I didn't get too wet, considering it was Easter Monday which according to Slovakian tradition, all the girls are receiving buckets of water from guys for blessing! After the tramping, we had some lunch at this recommended cafe to reward ourselves for all the hardwork we did that morning. I couldn't help but showed off my latest passion for Latin music when he drop me back home (Yeah, I know! Can you believe it? I actually bought some CDs at Jambalaya) in return for his Easter eggs.

After my grocery shopping and cooking, I was finally able to sit down with a cup of tea and my book after this energetic long weekend! I am now so ready to go back to work tomorrow!!

The Joy Luck Club (喜福會) in Parnell

After a year working in Brazil and leaving her boyfriend behind for a year, she came back to New Zealand and worked. This year, she took him with her to Brazil to experience a totally different life style with major culture shocks. It was a very similar story with mine, except their love is getting stronger after three and a half year.

She broke up with her 7 years boyfriend when they were both in their homeland. During her one week extending stay, something amazing happened - she fall in love with another guy unexpectedly in 5 days. They were engaged the rest of their lives together on the day she left for New Zealand. She is flying back to get married this July for their first kiss at the wedding! THAT is the story of the year!

He has always been her mentor for years. A few days coincident travelling together oversea had brought them closer to each other ever. It was going to be another long distance relationship, but he decided it's time to move back to Auckland and start his own business.

Then, there is the poor little me with a broken heart!

However, I have never felt so loved by three beautiful women. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard! Thank you, Ladies! It's a pity that they can't go fishing for guys anymore coz they are all taken, so in return to their loving-kindness to me I'll have to take ALL the fishes for them. It's a tough job, but someone has to do it. A vivid plan was established outside of the patrol station for all the possible fishing locations :

• The flat warming on Friday
• The road trip down to Taupo and the Jambalaya Festival at Rotorua on Saturday/Sunday
• The tramping that I organised on Monday
• My colleagues? Nah... you don't screw the crew! However, colleagues from OTHER company are acceptable. *Wink* *Wink*, *Nudge* *Nudge*
• All my clients. Humm...except that I have none right now, but how about Truck Drivers? They are the closest thing that I can get
• The 'man of the year' whom she met and had a crash on this year
• Her Tango teacher
• The black humour guy who I kept bump into in the street
• Youthline training group (*cough**cough* I am not taking the advanture of those vulnerable poor teenagers. That's just immoral!)
• Flatmates

Yeah, yeah I know what you are thinking. Am I that desperate? Let me quote something from last week.

"Hey, I am taking Anita as my date for tonight's dinner. Is that alright?" She asked her fiance.
"Sure!! But, will you take a picture for me, if you two make out tonight?" He replied with his typical smirk.

"Yeah! I got a date!!! I got a date~~" I was singing with my little dance.
"Sorry sweetheart, but I am not a guy, " She continued and waved that ablaze diamond on her finger "and I am taken."

"Well, I am not exactly that picky these days!!" I said. Then, everyone in the room crack out laughing!