A Dream Call

I got a call which is every counsellor's dream - The caller told me her issue logically and came up with her own solution in her own time.

She was confused at the beginning, but something I reflected back to her must had clarified the whole issue for her. She thanked me enthusiastically and knew exactly what she was going to do without me even trying to guide her through. I basically just sat back and relax with minimum effort and let her do all the work (which is what a counsellor is supposed to do). I feel an almost natural high after the call.

I feel very privilege and humbler to share that joy with her.

Such a good call!!

"I miss you."

Time Poor

I apologise that I haven't been updating my blog for too long. Life has been very busy....I am overdrafting with my time and very "time poor" these days. Here I am, trying to make up to my loyal readers by outlining all my excuses of neglecting this blog. I'll slowly put all my unfinished posts online soon. I promise!

Two weeks ago, I had some colleagues over and everyone brought a plate for lunch and we played Mah-jong, piano and learning guitar. We were going to have a team training for our Frisbee team as we were/are losing badly!! However, we had our first win yesterday!!!! Yeah!! It was such a significant day!! We won effortless (*shhh* never mind the bit that the opposition couldn't play so we won by default). Oh Yeah~ I temperately have a guitar and learning as badly as my Cantonese :P. Few other events I organised were share-dinners following by DVDs at my place.

I have been occupied this week with 2 Taiwan visitors (my primary schoolmate's high school classmate, who I have never met before) staying at my place, but I was busy with my counselling training/Uni class/theater ushering/assgt on Wed and Thur nights, so I haven't spent much time with them. However, I took a day off on Tuesday and showed them around. The latest Anita tour packaging included Mt. Eden, Uni, Queen St., T-Mart (Taiwanese shop) and Bakery King (Taiwanese Bakery). I know it's sad, but they seemed to enjoy them very much :P

Yes, I have been also involved with Youthline and trying to become a solo phone counsellor this year. We had a marae weekend last week and it was very special for me (even I have been to marae 3 times before). What else have I been doing? I also do FutureIntech which promoting science, engineering and technology to NZ kids by bring scientists and engineers to classrooms. I am having my first school visit in Oct at my old high school in Assembly.....It's scary, but at the same time going to be fun.

I hope it's enough to excuse my neglect of the need of my readers.

- - - - -

P.S. It took me longer than I thought, but here you go - my promise to you all after 5 weeks. Phew~~ I finally caught up all the posts, but now I have slightly-less-post-debt to get out of :P

23/Oct/2006

Te Aroha

This Marae experience has been really special for me.

It really touched me deeply how ppl struggled through their lives and amazingly still breathing. I got very emotional throughout the weekend. I cried, I sang, I smiled, I gave supports, I sang more, I cried and cried. It hurt the most to see the ones whom I love, I respect and look up to, suffer through difficulties in their lives and I wasn't able to help at all. They are all brave warriors; they stood up there telling their family history, up bring, feelings and sufferings. I feel truly privilege and humbler to be there and hear all the stories from others. I didn't sleep much because I didn't want to miss out any body's sharing until 3am, but I feel very refreshing, peaceful and not tired at all.

I really wanted to get up there and acknowledge the person I love the most in the room, but I wasn't able to do it. I knew it would have brought up a series of my personal issues and I wasn't ready to face it yet. However, I managed to stand up at the closing and briefly told everyone where I am at. It was more difficult than I thought it could have been, even it was just admitting I have some unfinished business. I was so emotional that I had to pause a couple of times and ended up shedding few tears with my speech.

I am going to come back to this marae in a year's time and I want to get up to that sharing space and disclose my story to this loving whanau (family). I'll seek help from face to face counselling if necessary, so that I can be strong for others when they need me - my promise to the whanau and myself 2006.

Te aroha                             Love                   
Te whakapono                         Faith
Me te rangimarie                     And peace
Tatou tatou ee                       Together

Kai kaha ra                          Be strong
Kia manawanui                        Be patient
Kia u kia maia                       Stay the course
Tatou tatou ee                       All of us

Locked Out

I forgot my keys and got locked out tonight :(

It must be what I wrote on the Remark for tomorrow's Mah-Jong session. I jinxed myself by saying "Hopefully I'll be home".

The neighbour wasn't home, and bro wasn't picking up his phone. I was tired, cold and hungry, so I called my tutoring kids.

"Hey... are you guys home? Can...I...come?" I asked
"Eh...But, we are going out for dinner now"

"Umm....."I hesitated, then I said "Can...I...come? :P"

"Let me ask Mum and Dad" She said. A moment later,
" Yes, you can. Do you know this restaurant called...?" "You can meet us there."

"Eh...Umm.....Can you pick me up *^^* ?"

Yes, as you can see, I was very DESPERATE!!

I found the whole thing funny and I had to share with all my colleagues who are coming to my house tomorrow. They were all surprisingly caring about my situation and some even worried about my safely. I was touched by them.

The night ended nicely with a free dinner, brother rescuing and a song promised to dedicate (a.k.a mock) to my experience.

The First Charge

I was very nervous about my first ever phone call, but I think it went well last night.

It last for 24 mins and there were points that I just didn't know what to say - Arrh! Panicking! However, the mentor was very helpful and supportive by keeping passing me notes. Ppl said the first charge was always the hardest and the most challenging, but it was really fulfilling to be able to help someone. It was a wonderful feeling to hear the caller thanking me as she felt much calmer after talking to me. Of course, there are heaps learning edges I identified myself and I still have a long way to go before I become a solo counsellor!

I was very attached with the call and I ended up having all sort of counselling dreams last night! Good practise, but I was so lack of resting that I couldn't function properly at work today!!

"Help!! I need another name apart from my real name!"
"How about Maybel?" Someone suggested.
"Huh? Why?" I was puzzled.
"Maybel Lin"
"Huh??? Why?" Confused, I was still.
" Maybe It's Maybelline~"
"..."

*Maybelline is a brand of make up

He would be proud!

He would be so proud of me if he had seen me tonight.

I was so enthusiastically (as always :P) to share (a.k.a show off) my knowledge of India to Indians at this farewell party. They were stunned by how much I know about Samosa Chat, Bhel Puri, Pani Puri, Dahi Puri, Rava Dosa, Masala Dosa, Utthapam, Mango Lassi, Masala tea, Gulab Jamoon, Mehandi, Water (2006), Fire (1996), Holi and Rakhi festivals!!! Apparently, I know more than they know about Indian culture :P Hahahah... It's so cool!!!

"Oh my God! You really know a lot about Indian culture!! "

"Do you have an Indian boyfriend?"

"...^^|||"

Do I know you...?

"Hi... Do I know you from somewhere?"

This seems to be my latest "pick up" line with random guys on the street.

Few weeks ago, I saw a guy in BK and I bluntly stopped him and asked him where did I know him from, then his name and all other details. He stood there and both of us tried very hard to think how we met without any success. After he left, my friend said to me,

"Is that your latest fishing technique? Because, it seems to work pretty well there!"
"... ^^|||" I was still very puzzled because I couldn't remember how I met him and it really bugged me.

This morning, it suddenly hit me - I know!!! We were in the same acting class last year!! That was a relief! Then, again, this afternoon on my way to my lecture, I stopped another guy and the same thing happened!

I just thought I would update this latest fishing technique, like before :P

You are amazing

"You are amazing!" She said to me after I told her what I have been up to these days.

It meant a lot to me to hear that, as she has been someone I really admire and love since the first day we met. She has been truly an inspiration for me and I remember I said to myself, I want to be just like her! It was very encouraging to hear that from her personally.

I know you are going through some tough time, my beautiful friend. However, hang in there because - For me, you are amazing!

Futureintech Ambassador

I am now one of the Futureintech* Ambassadors with a proud badge! It's so cool to have a title such as Ambassador even it is far from what a real ambassador is doing. Soon, you will be able to find my profile online. My first school visit will be my old high school and TALK in the assembly! It's gonna be intimidating, challenging, but interesting at the same time.

Pepole choose different ways to help out the community. Some do donation, some do volunteering work, some do WorldVision, and some just do their job well. For me, both Youthline and Futureintech are my way to contribute back to the society. A way to say thank you to those whom help me through difficult times.

I have always been lucky to have a lot of ppl to enlighten me and to give me guidance as I grow up. Even when there was no one, I was lucky enough to have the strength to go through some low patches myself. Now, I have fought my way though in this complex society and turned out to be fine. I know how difficult and confusing it could been so I want to help out by sharing my own experience. I hope I will make a difference and touch some ppl's lives, just like those who had make a difference to my life.

*Futureintech is an organisation to promote science, engineering and technology to kiwi kids by bring real scientists and engineers to classroom.

My girl, hiding at the corner
feeling hopeless
couldn't turn back time
couldn't move forward

I, who knows no better
feeling helpless
could only stare
could only share
that searing pain

I never said I wasn't damaged
But, I am here now
Let me hold your hand
Put my arms around
Piece by piece
We will glue ourselves back
Together - One day

Before Sunrise (1995) and Before Sunset (2004)

The back to back movie night went extremely well. Both movies were excellent choices for the wide diversity of the crowd. It has an romantic story line, but there were various and deep discussions on environmental issue, how media influences our live, relationship, reincarnation, travelling, poem, taking chance, live at the moment etc, which everyone seemed to enjoy it.

I thought that I had passed the phase of being passion about travelling, but the movies brought that part of me back to live. I guess it has never left me. I didn't thought I had much common with the story except I was in Europe for a year and backpacking for 4 months. However, when I woke up this morning, few faces and stories came to my mind, which made me have a strong connection with the movies now.

1. I did the same thing as the movie surprisingly on the train to Vienna. I met a girl and we had a very nice chat. I wasn't planning to stay in Vienna as I had been there so many times. However, she proposed an excellent idea which I couldn't possibly refused- seeing a play in the opera house for free. No one expected or waited for me in Slovakia, so I jumped off the train with her and spent the night in Vienna, just like the main characters.
2. Another time was on my way to La Tomatina (Tomato Festival) in Bunol, Spain. I met some random guy (again!) on the train. After a very brief chat, I trusted him enough that I gave him my camera and let him take me through the crazy festival. He didn't let me down. He made sure I had the best experience with all the flying tomatoes and protected me when ppl tried to rip my T-shirt all the way through the festival. I then went to his flat in Valencia for the second shower. Going home with a guy I had just met is a shocker even when I look back now. However, his generosity, hospitality and kindness left me with a soft spot for him and the country. And, yes, I do have his email, address and phone number :)
3. Then, not to mention, there was also a guy I liked and is married now.
   

"The movies were all about what if and I am just wondering have you ever wondered what if you didn't have him back then? Would you have done anything different?" She asked me.

I actually have pondered that question before. I think I would have either gone very wild or haven't had the strong intimacy with all my life time friends. Yes, without a bf I would have had more freedom, but at the same time I was glad to have him as my rock. No matter what happened, at the end of the day, I knew there was someone that I can turn to even he was on the other side of the world. I was very lucky to have that kind of security. And also because of him, I was able to make strong relationships with guys without worrying their or my attention as I made it clear no one was going to cross the line as it's a friendship only zone. With that attitude, I was able to open my heart completely to every single souls I came across and shared some special moments in our lives without fears or doubts. So what I am trying to say is

"No, I still prefer to have had him as my rock because I would never want to trade those special moments and friendships"

There are so many nice quotes from these movies and I have been discussing them in White Massi's comments, but here are some more!!

You know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? Is when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they're thinking of you. You know, you'd like to think you're both in all this pain but they're just like 'Hey, I'm glad you're gone' (Before Sunrise, 1995).

Memories are wonderful things, if you don't have to deal with the past (Before Sunset, 2004).

I used to think that if none of your family or friends knew you were dead, it was like not really being dead. People can invent the best and the worst for you. (Before Sunrise, 1995)

I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt. (Before Sunrise, 1995)

There was nothing to buy, no advertisements anywhere. So all I had been doing was walk around, think, and write. My brain felt like it was at rest, free from the consuming frenzy, and I have to say, it was almost like a natural high. I felt so peaceful inside. No strange urge to be somewhere else, to shop. Maybe it could have seemed like boredom at first, but it quickly became very, very soulful! (Before Sunrise, 1995)

OK, well this was my thought: 50,000 years ago, there are not even a million people on the planet. 10,000 years ago, there's, like, two million people on the planet. Now there's between five and six billion people on the planet, right? Now, if we all have our own, like, individual, unique soul, right, where do they all come from? You know, are modern souls only a fraction of the original souls? 'Cause if they are, that represents a 5,000 to 1 split of each soul in the last 50,000 years, which is, like, a blip in the Earth's time. You know, so at best we're like these tiny fractions of people, you know, walking... I mean, is that why we're so scattered? You know, is that why we're all so specialized? (Before Sunrise, 1995)

I have this awful paranoid thought that feminism was mostly invented by men so that they could like, fool around a little more. (Before Sunrise, 1995)

Art Making

I forget how much fun it was to make arts! Especially if you can have the ownership to the creativity. I used to paint when I was little, but I stopped because Dad always put too much input into all my winning pieces. The last painting that I made and loved was for a special friend 4 years ago. To date, I still can't believe he melted the paints to see what was written underneath! Silly boy!

Today at office, we were making arts for charity. I didn't want to just paint some pre-designed patterns by numbers. Don't get me wrong. They are all brilliant designs, but I knew I could do better (snob!). It was very intimating at the beginning to let others judge my ability. However, as I started putting some abstract patterns on the canvas, a vivid idea/vision came to me which got rid of my insecurity and no longer feared of making a complete fool of myself in front of others.

Art only makes sense if it means something to you. And this one does to ME.

My panting has a lot of circles and a very abstract roundabout/hub on top of it. I used bright red and blue directly out the tubes to illustrate a 3D arterial (What a pun! Both human body and roading use this terminology!) and the colour choices were associated with micro-simulation and network simulation packages that we are using at work :) I put both of my transportation and bioengineering background into it and it's priceless, as far as I am concerned (narcissist)!!! I named it About Round (Go figure!) and I absolutely love it, no matter what other ppl may think of it.

*click* *click*
My colleague was contributing to the art making event by taking pictures.

"Hey... you forgot my piece" I tried to complain.
"Where is yours?" He said, feeling sorry.
"There, that one!" I pointed my under progress art.
"OH! I thought that's a palette"

The Ring is Back on the Finger

However, for a different reason.

Three years ago, I found what I wanted in my life when I was in Greece and I bought this ring to symbolise my commitment to a relationship and a Master degree. I followed my heart back to New Zealand. It was the right decision at the time.

End of last year, I was once again lost. I took the ring down and searched for the answer in Taiwan alone. Eventually I found what I wanted - the relationship and working. I followed my heart once again back to New Zealand for the second time, but the relationship didn't work this time.

The journey continues without stopping in the last 6 months and now it finally feels right to put the ring back on to celebrate my growth, my moving on, my enjoyable work and my fulfilling life :)

Unfinished Business

1. I need an apology from him
2. I need to hear that he regrets what he did to me and recognise that he let the best thing in his life go

Lights,
Heater,
Music and TV
All ON,
To fill out the emptiness of the house.

How do you know that you are no longer young...

When,

1. A new colleague about to join your section, and you talk to your other colleague.
"Have you heard? There is a new person starting next week and he was here this week. The rather young guy, remember?" I said.
"No. It was a rather old guy!" She replied. Disagreed.

Then, we found out we were talking about the same guy... #$^@&@#$#

2. You start being cautious and anxious about the nice gesture from married men. And, you start looking at ppl's ring fingers.

The Ball

This was the fourth time I went to the ball and no, I still don't have a dress. That's right, I borrowed someone else ball dress as usual for the fourth time and someone did my hair and my make up! They were beautiful! 天生麗質難自棄 (Can't help it coz I was born to be beautiful!) *Kill me somebody*

The night started with a little car accident, which I backed into his car. Damn! I completely forgot he parked behind me when I was hurrying out with two of my colleagues. No one had parked there for months and I was so used to get out of garage without checking! Oh well!

We went to the pre-ball first and I had to be a pain in the neck to our young graduate colleagues first.
"Come on! Young ppl!" I said, trying to get all their attentions on the thing I was holding.
"Here is this thing called Film Camera! This is what we used before digital camera came along!" I pretended to be very serious and ancient (well, I felt ancient as I was the only one holding a film camera) as I put the film into my camera.

It was freezing cold tonight, but the ball was great! I drunk a whole glass of champagne without realising it's alcoholic. Yes, I was very blond! I had too much fun that I thought I was drinking bobble juice, while I was meant to be the sober driver! I danced the whole night and my feet were killing me by the end of it.

Just when I thought everything went very well, there were some awkward moment which I didn't quite manage to avoid in the end. I admire his courage and I thanked him for what he said to me, but that's all I could reply to him.

Tired, tired, tired...
Safe home
Sleep.

In a Dilemma

I went to my new transition group and surprisingly, there was no one from my old group. More than half of group have known each other during their previous trainings. As you may be able to image, it was very intimidating for me. They all share a very strong intimacy, just like my old group and I felt uncomfortably intruding.

It was the first time I looked at the clock every now and then, and hoped it'll be all finishing soon. There were quite a few things to get used to, the different facilitators style, different and shorter time, a much smaller room, new ppl to build the connection with and so on.

In a way, I want to change group, but I would be very disappointed at myself surrendering to obstacles so easier. I believe things happen for a reason. Besides, I love challenges and I am simply stubborn. I know it may not be so bad if I try harder to fit in. After all, they are all Youthline members! Wouldn't it be fantastic to develop that kind of intimacy with more ppl? However, I also recognise the need to develop my skills in a safe and comfortable environment.

I am in this dilemma, which I don't know what's the best for me. However, time is running out, as if I want to change group, I have do it as soon as possible.

It's very stressful and frustrating!

The White Masai

I thought the culture shock I had was bad.
I thought I was strong and brave to be in a cross-culture relationship.

I was wrong!

Compared with her, my experience was nothing. I had tears in my eyes after watching tonight's based on true story film, The White Masai - A Swiss woman married to Masai (a tribe) warrior and lived with him in the Kenya bush. The story hit a little too close to home, I guess.

There were a lot of feelings that I can identify strongly with her, such as love, culture differences, compromises, and conflicts. She was so strong and so optimistic, which I admire deeply (eg. the first time she had sex with him and the car accident). What amazed me more was the different approaches she took with some of the struggles she had. It struck me to see alternative ways to deal with misunderstanding and frustration, and realised how things could have done differently with my relationships. The love they shared was strong and both of them had tried so hard, but it wasn't enough. Sometimes, you don't end up with the person you love, no matter how much you love each other.

It is a deep and intriguing film and I strongly recommend it to anyone who is interested in diversity between cultures :)

I was driving across harbour bridge earlier today and a thought troubled me,
"Is it the best to hold back my feeling for other men until I no longer have feeling for him?"
"What if I never can get over him?!"

Then, she - my dear gentle friend from the other side of the world told me wisely,
"You will never stop loving him"
", but you will learn to deal with the pain."
"He'll always be there but maybe in a different way."

Live Life to the Full

I went to work and had early lunch so I could be ready for my first game - Ultimate Frisbee! Yeah yeah, I thought the same: There is no way that it could be classified as a sport! I was wrong! Very wrong!! Five minutes into the game, I regretted that I ever doubt about this sport! I was puffing like a dog! Gee~ What a tough workout! After witnessing how ppl played with 3 players spilling blood on the court today, I now understand why there were so many serious injuries (including broken bones) last season, considering it's a non-contact game (yeah right!)

After we got beaten up (which I realised later that 11:7 wasn't bad at all as the following weeks we got trashed 22:2 and then 26:2! *sniff**sniff* I better get used to losing), I spent sometime helping a colleague with modelling (Yeah! I am finally useful and no longer a 米蟲 (rice insect) at the company :P) and went to the section training. Then, I rushed off to my first ever transportation paper at Uni. It was so refreshing to get back to study again! Not to mention, I can have student discount too!! The material was rather easy understood, but fast as it combines two undergraduate papers all together. It all makes sense as long as they keep throwing me the math formula (Gee...that sounds so geeky!)

After my three hours lecture, we went for dinner until half way through it, he got a "road rescue" call from his friend. Perfect timing! I was able to fit in another activity - catching up with my Slovak girl friend who happened to be in town for the evening! We went to a bar for some drinks together and then I started to salute Indian food to her friend (he is an Indian) as it has become quite a habit to share my new passion for Indian culture whenever I meet a Indian. Then we went to see the Czech/Slovak film - Lunacy! It was a dream came true to watch a Slovak film with a real Slovak :)

The film was about what's normal, and it was disgustingly funny! There were meats, eyeballs, brains, and tongues all over the place - moving, which was rather disturbing but very cleverly done. For example, my favourite scene was after the main character got put on a restraint jacket by force, the camera slowly moved into a living modern supermarket and gazed on a fresh meat wrapped in plastic wrap - breathing.

The quote of the day had to be this one.

After the movie finished, the guy behind us said...
"So... It's a movie about meat, EH??"