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It's actually quite a sensitive topic and I was surprised on how insistent I am on having separate accounts.

For me, it's all about being 心安理得 so I can feel okay to take things out of relationship. I have no problem of giving, but I am not comfortable of getting. What does that say about me? Self-pride? I think it's more to do with self doubt, self insecure and self worth.

I can't believe that I even lied about how much I spent on the persimmon. It's 100% my pure proud hard-earned money, but I was afraid of being judged. How silly is that! However, who can blame me to be over sensitive under the current circumstance?

12 hours later, it was still dark and raining in Auckland, and I was drowsy as this dawn.

I got up at 4 am this morning to go down to Tauranga for an one hour meeting! Even I slept all the way down and back, I was so exhausted after a long day. However, it was still worth the trip to help out his fliers and got a free dinner :)

So tired now!

I can really feel that energy started flowing in my body again this week. I was boosted up enough to go ushering, gate crashing party, watching rugby, doing a shift, being cultivated by Tao, dropping curry cube, farewell party, painting my own tree etc.

I also made a break through with my "disgusting" symbol. My wisdom green Yoda won the battle!!

Communication is crucial for me.

I feel more alive after being gloomy for a week. It's amazing and scary how fast my mood switching between isolation and connection. I now can think about future and I even cooked tonight.

Painting Tree

I wish I could be more presented in the group, but I chose to space out. I don't know if it prevented me from getting the most out of the course, but I just want to detach from my intensive feeling.

I couldn't hold myself and I was weak emotionally and physically.

Then, you told me this tree, a tree that you desire. You have a very clear vision of how this tree would look like, but you have been sending mixed signals all night long. There are strict specifications of this tree and I respect that. However, it won't be exactly the same tree (and I don't want it to be) as your blue print if I am involved. It has to be an equal partnership and I have to have my own input. It could be better as I will bring my idea and my strength into this painting, but it would be surely different.

Let me paint this tree with you, but be aware that it won't be the same.

You have broken me all the way down,
down upon my knees.
And you have broken me all the way down,
you'll be the last, you'll see.

- All The Way Down, Glen Hansard

Out of reach

I have been away from my email/blog for 4 days. Now, I am back, feeling stronger enough to face the reality - to know I am in a meaningless fight alone.

Missed Call

I am sorry that I missed your call. Please excuse me for not calling you back just yet. I am not ready to talk, but I did listen to your message 4 times to know that you are thinking of me and care for me even from the other side of the world where is summer and daylight. Let me sorrow for a bit longer and I will get back to you as soon as possible - like I promised in my voicemail.

I am okay, not great, but coping. I really don't feel like eating at all, but annoying enough I keep feeling hungry.

"Are you okay? You look really sad."

Broken glasses

He dared me to use that found broken glasses on the table as an item or symbol representing

• an aspect in yourself you are wanting to attend to,
• a new aspect of self you would like to emerge or open yourself to, or
• what you are striving towards

- so I did.

I am losing my perspectives at the moment. In the last 48 hours, I lost a job opportunity that I was really looking forward. I also lost a person who I thought we could really have a future together. I had plans, I had visions, and I had meanings in life but now I have nothing. I am as broken as this spectacle; I lose my perspectives of life at the moment.

It's okay to be just being

I just want to sleep

It hurts, it really does and I really want to fight if only I know how. If I fight at least I feel that there is hope, at least I feel I am doing something positive rather than being the mess that I am.

I feel I got hit by a truck or why is it so painful. I just want to sleep forever so I won't feel the tearing pain. I just want to sleep so I can rest from crying, but I can't. When the alcohol wears off, I have to wake up. For a split second, everything seems so peaceful, seem like it was all just a bad dream. However, that peacefulness and relief only last for a split second.

I just want to sleep.

Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder if I keep dreaming, whether or not my knight with shinning armer will finally show up on my front porch and save me from all these miseries.

Waiting

I hate waiting!

Waiting for the phone called, waiting for the reply and waiting for making decisions :(

Car came
Car passed
Door opened
Door closed
People chatted
People left

Waiting for a door bell
Waiting for a knock on the door

It's still just my paranoia,
my imagination,
my hope - still

What does it all mean?

• She broke the promise and told them
  
• I had a mentoring session
• I had to put $$ figure
• It has been a week
• I had my first new APD group.

Nothing seems to be structural at my life at the moment and I feel so frustrated. Everything seems inside out, upside down. I feel out of control and unsure where is everything going.

What does it all mean?

A little bird

A little bird told her about me assessing options so she called me into her office. It was nice to be able to give her a little head up and a chance to tell her what I am looking for.

Tomorrow is a big day as I'll face my demon and another senior. Then, I think I am ready to make the final call.

You make time!

I have made good progress with her today. She helped me clarify what is important for me and also role played some upcoming tricky conversation. I learned a lot as usual. Thank you!

"You make time!"

Holiday

When your close teammate decides to take an indefinite holiday, what can you say? You want to respect and support his decision, but at the same time you have to deal with that anxiety, uncertainty and wonder where it is leading? what does it all mean?

The normal work contract says, you can have 4 weeks holiday each year. Does it imply that he will lose his job if he takes more than 20 days? I don't know the answer, but I just know it hurts.

Mentors

When I walked her up to Pitt Street and asked for advice, I run into him. He is back for few days and again :x, he invited me for a coffee. We chatted about me and I was thrilled when he offered to fly me over for a week just so I could feel secure and have some guarantee. I could really see myself develop under his wings. However, he is in Australia and I want to base in Auckland.

Then, he called me up and I hinted about my movement. Quickly, he kindly offered to have a chat with me and give me advice in my best interests. He even gave me a job number for it :o

Tomorrow I am meeting another respectful senior after work. I wasn't able to meet up with my "official" mentor for 6 months, but I am lucky enough to have these many seniors to assist me in making the right decision for me and by me. Thank you all!

It hurts

- I am glad that at least it does

...But if I lose the highs at least I’ll spare the lows
...Once bitten twice is shy

- Leave Right Now, Will Young

This week can be summerised as

• 4 nights out
• 3 alcohol nights
• 3 V
• 2 Slovak Visitors
• 1 sick leave
  
• 1 nerve breaking presentation
• 1 Peking Duck