City to Surf - 12 km run

I don't know how I got myself into this, but I'm going to do the great walk in Lake Waikaremoana for the Labour long weekend. I start going to the gym and doing as much training as possible from now on. I think I'll DIE, but hopefully by doing all those workout, I'll die slower! That's why I went for a 12 km run this morning (very last entry!!). I saw sunrise though!

"Are we there yet? Are we on 1/Nov yet? Can someone just fast forward to the end of the that 20 km in one day tramp?"

TGA Sweet Shop

I'm so proud of my TGA customer!!!

From the first two weeks that barely half of chocolate was eaten to this week that they finished the whole block of chocolate in a week!!!! I can now retire from TGA. :D

Technical Support isn't too Technical

You know that I didn't want to wash your amperes. The reason is I knew there was something wrong with my washing machine. The maintenance guy came to my apartment this morning and I found out that I have been "baking" my clothes i.e. I haven't been washing my cloth at all. It was set to dry my cloth only all along :(

No wonder my cloth isn't washing properly....and I was smelling very natural recently! :x

Closeness

We become closer but I feel safer than ever. However, the vulnerable emotion came later just before I left for Tauranga on Thursday. You didn't say a word and you were cold. I had no choices but left you alone because I had to and because I thought you needed some space. I was glad that you rose the issue. At least we acknowledged that there are still differences in our cognitions.

When we met again, it was for this fun costume party until 2am. I had fun even sometimes, I felt lonely in the party. It's amazing that when you pretend hard enough to have fun, you can actually start enjoying it more. After you were gone, the emotion hit again. I took out pen and paper and started writing a long letter; a letter I would probably regret to write and send later, but I had to put my thought down or I couldn't sleep.

My eyes are tired and I think I can finally sleep now...

I'm really close tonight
And I feel like I'm moving inside her
Lying in the dark
I think that I'm beginning to know her
Let it go
I'll be there when you call
Whenever I fall at your feet
And you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

You're hiding from me now
There's something in the way that you're talking
The words don't sound right
But I hear them all moving inside you
Go, I'll be waiting when you call

Whenever I fall at your feet
And you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

- Fall At Your Feet, Crowded House

First Weekend in TGA

The sun was shinny, the birds were singing and I was up early (7am :o) and ready to explore the Mount. However, not fitted!!! Almost killed me, but the view was breath taking! I'll be back to conquer it again!!

I was so excited about having visitors and sharing my little discovering in this town with someone else. Then, we went to the twins party, which was really fun! Knowing me with camera, all I needed was some invitation to take it out. Once I had done it, there was no turning back. Within few hours, I had taken more than 150 photos already!! :x

It was a big night for him because for the first time he felt welcome. However, I didn't feel the same. We had a bit quarrel about some other trivial issues, but I know he was trying to push my button because he felt hurt when it wasn't as big deal for me as it was for him. I tried to explain, but it didn't seem matter :(

I had an wonderful first weekend spending in Tauranga. However, I had to come up to Auckland tomorrow for the AMA interview. Is it possible not seeing Auckland every week?!

I'm really close tonight
And I feel like I'm moving inside her
Lying in the dark
I think that I'm beginning to know her
Let it go
I'll be there when you call
Whenever I fall at your feet
And you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

Fall At Your Feet, Crowded House

My Life in Tauranga

Weather is marvellous here as it’s always sunny and even when it’s a bit wet outside, the office is only 2 min away from my apartment ;) Talking about my home, it has everything from toaster, ventilation, washing machine, drier, hairdryer, bath tub with spa to oven etc. I did go and checked out the gym, but it was a bit intimated as it was very "manly" when I went there. It was small with few treadmills and the place was packed with smelly men.. :x

I have been quite excited about little achievements at beginning such as cooking, strolling to water front to have lunch, discovering chocolate shop, second hand shop, juice shop, restaurants, library, art gallery, video shop, vege shop and even seeing places such KFC, Mcdonald, Startbucks, National Bank, and Hannah were exciting; making effort to talk to people, finding out what other people do in the office and getting invited to Friday lunch and BBQ were all intriguing to me. However, those little excitements disappear quickly as I get used to the city and start feeling a bit lonely when I have no one to share those achievements :(

My new colleagues are very friendly and I have learn a lot of different engineering disciplines that I wouldn’t normally get across, such as water engineering, stormwater, Road Asset Management, Fire engineering, roading tender, planning and of course traffic engineering. I have picked up some new vocabulary such as 'nil detriment', 'mitigation', 'aerial photo as built' and 'walking isochrone'. It’s such an alien language.

Life starts getting into some sort of routine and there are different kind of joys now such as I keep running into ppl in town and they smile at me and say hi. It’s not too stressful at work compared to Auckland and I have nothing much to do in the evening except cooking, relaxing, watching TV, reading, writing and sleeping – lots sleeping :D. See, very healthy lifestyle :) Once the summer comes (and after I get my license back – I left it in Auckland last weekend), I would like to explore further than foot distance during weekend and evening :D I have been asked few times that if I would move down here permanently. I think I am enjoying it so much that I wouldn't rule that possibility out at the moment :)

Last weekend, I went back to Auckland for my University reunite. It was a pleasant night to catch up with lecturers and friends, and hear how the department has been grown in the last 40/45 years. The evening was full of laughters and joys with trivial stories. My supervisor was the MC and he had done a fantastic job to deliver a memorable night. There are some old song and flag from the ’80 and we got to heard the remade and see how pound those students were to be a TAM/Esci students. Songs with LP formula were an highlight and we revisited it during the dinner. Everyone was singing Davey-Boy to the lecturer who has kept telling us that that formula is the most important equation!! And see what we do? We sang it back to him :D

This weekend, I’m having my very first visitor and I am so looking forwards to it! However, I have to come back to Auckland on Monday for my interview. I was really hoping to spend more time in Tauranga this weekend. Oh well, there are plenty of time!

AucklandSick

I am missing Auckland already even I am still sitting at my North Shore home. Really, I should work on my job application, but updating my blog seems more important than anything else at the moment.

The place I am staying in Tauranga seems nice - King Size Bed, Sky TV, Gym, Spa, service apartment, 2 mins walk from work etc. It all sounds exciting and promising with new challenges, new office, new colleagues, and new environment. However, even I hate to admit that I'll be bored, I think I'll be a bit lonely.

I miss you already.

狡兔

三窟！

I am so cunny!! ;)

I have kept finding excuses not to call her because I didn't know how to talk to someone who has just been through a lot of operations after a serious car crash. Fortunately, she made it all so easy. She was in a good spirit and was really honest about her progress - all the good and bad, all the sadness, pain, struggles, thankfulness and joys.

She is an inspiration for all the people around her! :)

May love, prayers, good vibes and healing energy be with you, brave woman!

It had been two months since I was in the hub. I was feeling a little bit apprehensive, especially I wasn't buddying up with anyone and it was late at night.

I had a girl and I feel really humble afterward. There isn't too many chances in life that one can talk to the old oneself and I was lucky to do so tonight. She made me realised that I have come a long way living with my stubbornness and high expectations, and suffering from my guilt and demon.

I was in great agitation after I put down the phone as I felt that it was such a privilege to give that hope to someone who is struggling in a similar way as I used to be. Now, coming out from the other end of the tunnel, I was able to sympathy and to give her my rapport. I meant every single word that I said to her and I was talking to the old me too. My words were powerful and important to me as I reinforced and validated my own success in my own journey. Once again, I always got out a lot from the call.

重圓

I don't know how I did it, but things used to bug me tremendously are no longer trouble me. Really, I don't need to know or want to analysis how I could let go. The important thing is I have moved on from the rough patch and feel solid, secure and happy again.

May the myseteous 080808 infinity power be with you too :D

破鏡

Life starts getting better for me. Everything is still running in a circle, but it's in an double helix style i.e. even it feels like I am running in a circle, it does move up (Gee...I must be a good modeller!). However, those negative things said in the holiday are still fermenting and troubling me. They are hurtful not because they are hard to accept, but because I don't think they should be the issues and that breached my limit for tolerance as the same as those negative things added up to be a big negative for him. I really want to move on, but I am still struggling to do so, so I have decided to go down to Tauranga for 3 months to have some fresh air and hopefully learning few new things and find out wether 破鏡重圓 or 破鏡難圓.

Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady
Men's shirts-short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction
Color my hair-do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel
Man! I feel like a woman!

- Shania Twain, Man, I feel like a woman

I should really stop running into guys and hitting on them. It never works! I am always the one gets bounced back and gets hurt :(

- Hummm... I should really stop getting carried and going off from the field with injury during sports. Ouch!

Auckland International Film Festival 2008

This year, I saw 8 films.

1. In Bruges - Very witty!! Brilliant script and acting. I laughed my head off. This city (in Belgium) is also my favourite city to spend an afternoon in, in 2003 :) I met an interesting guy during the movie, which was his 6 films on that Friday. He saw the opening film in the night before and "In Burge" was his 5th film on that day!
2. The band's Visit - A lost Egyptian band spends a night in a small Israeli town. It has its moment :)
3. Flight of the Red Balloon - It is set in Paris and is directed by 侯孝賢 (Hou Hsiao-hsien). It didn't lie! There is this red balloon flying through the entire film. However, that's about it. I walked out the Civic Theater and puzzled about 'What does the Red Balloon mean????"
   
4. Empties - Czech film so I had to see it! It portraits this hyperactive "never say die" old chap really well. He is humorous, charming, stubborn and earnest.
5. Mongol - The only film that I went with an company (sitting at each end of the row though). It's a epic/legend of Genghis Khan. I didn't know much of Genghis Khan's life and the culture of Mongolia, but I was fascinated by his tough upbring and amazed by 9 years old kids socialising like an adult- sedate and thoughtful. I had tears in my eyes a couple of times. However, I think his wife was fighting a different battle; it's not a life-and-death struggle, but equally if not more difficult battles. It's really a different era and different environment.
   
6. The Banishment - A Russian film. Okay okay, it's the film to be remember as the film that I couldn't recall when I tried to prove that I can list all my eight films. It was a very late movie so I only remembered the nice sleep I had afterward, but not so much about the movie itself :p
7. Caramel - A Lebanon film which filled with insight into women's lives in contemporary Lebanon through a local salon place. Caramel is used as a waxing tool.
8. Vogelfrie - A Latvian film which looked into 4 stages of a man's life. I think I saw that guy again, but I was too shy to approach him and asked his phone number :x
   

And as I haven't been to cinema for ages (!), I went to watch the latest Batman movie tonight - The Dark Knight. Man! It's so awesome!!

Being True to Oneself

I am glad that I start connecting with the group tonight. What happened in the last two weeks brought me forwards to the group.

• It's hard to be true to oneself without hurting other peoples feeling. It's also difficult to accept the crude truth without being offended, when others are being true to themselves.
• There are a lot stuffs going on in my life recently and I haven't been considerate nor been nice to people around me. I just simply don't have the energy. Saying less was the only way I could hold myself together. Thus, I haven't been communicating well and have been blunt about what I wanted. I have been accused to be selfish, inconsiderate, and control freak by friends/colleagues. It hurt.
• It was really irritating, when he kept being polite and running in a circle without telling me the core. I lost my patience with those sugar coated nonsense. 搔癢搔不到癢處！性子急起來，沒耐性聽他鬼扯，直逼他說重點！Finally he lost his tame temper over my provoking. He was afraid that the cruel truth would hurt me and he was right. It does.

Now, I don't know how to deal with his honesty. I don't know how to act anymore because I feel all my actions are assessed. I will hate myself if I change for him because I don't want to and because I am stubborn. However, if I don't change, I will be wondering weather or not he is judging me. I don't feel secure nor free anymore. No matter what I do/think or don't do/think, I will think of his comments now. I don't agree with his accusation completely. If this was like what he said, one of the main concerns, he would be too intolerant. If this is not the key issue and I am already reacting to it this badly, I don't know if I can handle the truth. I start wondering if he was right after all.

• Is it easier to be happily(?) alone than be with someone whom you wish could have more connection or intimacy with?
  
• I wish I could have more courage to desire what I want. Every now and then, I would risk it, but most of the time, I play safe. It has worked well for me and has been my defensive mechanism. When I am vulnerable, it's the time I need the support the most. If I don't desire anything, then when I don't get them, I won't get hurt nor disappointed. However, when I am close to someone and when my need doesn't get met, the disappointment would destroy me more than knowing I have no support.
• I have been on both sides in the last few weeks
• wanting more communication: I kept giving and giving unconditionally and wanting to have clear and honest feedbacks, but all I got was politeness and 無關痛癢的 differences. It really drained me out.
  
• not giving communication: Then, I gave up. I guess my care was not really unconditional after all. I was shattered and it was easy to just shut myself down. When he turned back, I was too tired to make any more efforts, so I gave him all had got left: cold shoulders and minimum communication. I felt in control and empowered by doing that.
  
• I think I am really lucky because I have someone who continuously shows more communication initiative than I do.
• However, it seems to change for some people after a long marriage when they pass the "being interested phase" in relationships.

I feel cheap, really cheap. 何苦作賤自己呢？！

I am angry, I am upset, I am offended and I don't think what you said was fair. However, I took the easy way out. I am disappointed at myself. :@

So you said that you want to come back. I would have been jumping with joy if it was a month ago. Now, I am just not feeling anything. I have lost the faith and I really don't like what I am feeling - empty that is.

Is it too late? I hope not, but I can't help but feeling numb. 你說來就來，說走就走，你把我當什麼東西阿！ :@

這一個月來，工作、友情、感情事事不順，一切亂七八糟、風風雨雨，真的好累好累，身心疲乏，想出去散散心。 :(

Reciprocal Visa

Can you understand why I am pissed? My pride is shattered.

There is this tree standing between two countries.

In a fair situation, two countries may have reciprocal visa regimes i.e. If you allow my citizens to enter without a visa, I will allow your citizens to enter without a visa. It's an agreement between two countries. I don't understand what the hell you are thinking! I tried, but it's driving me crazy. You decided to reevaluate the agreement for some utterly vague sugar-coated reasons which I could never understand.

I know that you are busy and have other priority. You can only look after one tree at the time to the standard/perfection you desire. You thought by disclaiming this tree, you would have less pressure and would feel less guilty if you aren't doing your best for the tree. However, meanwhile, you are happy for me to entry your country like nothing is changed because you are unsure about the commitment and you wish I would still water the tree for you.

You are WRONG! The tree is dying and I don't know if it is going to survive through this! I don't even know if I have the permission to enter, to water! I know that it's just a piece of paper, a title, a formality, but it's important for me. Without it, I don't know what's my right, I don't know how to behave and I don't know when you are going to deport me and why! I don't even know what I did wrong!

It's NOT okay to be just being!

Join Account

It's actually quite a sensitive topic and I was surprised on how insistent I am on having separate accounts.

For me, it's all about being 心安理得 so I can feel okay to take things out of relationship. I have no problem of giving, but I am not comfortable of getting. What does that say about me? Self-pride? I think it's more to do with self doubt, self insecure and self worth.

I can't believe that I even lied about how much I spent on the persimmon. It's 100% my pure proud hard-earned money, but I was afraid of being judged. How silly is that! However, who can blame me to be over sensitive under the current circumstance?

12 hours later, it was still dark and raining in Auckland, and I was drowsy as this dawn.

I got up at 4 am this morning to go down to Tauranga for an one hour meeting! Even I slept all the way down and back, I was so exhausted after a long day. However, it was still worth the trip to help out his fliers and got a free dinner :)

So tired now!