Flea Massacre

I was quite happy to live with those fleas and even feed them from time to time. I guess I was in denial because if I actually went and bought flea bombs, then I had to acknowledge that I had a flea problem, which may imply that my house is not tidy or clean(, which may be true :P).

However, they really crossed the line last night!!

NOT THE FACE!! You stupid-tiny-little-brain FLEAS!!

Chrismas Presents

I must have been a very good girl this year with all the presents I got;

There are chocolate, chairs, hamper, cloth, chocolate, a mug, free entries for leisure centers, chocolate, Christmas dinner made by a chief, a towel with my name on, soaps, chocolate receipt book, and more chocolate!!

" Well, there's no such thing as too much chocolate..." He wrote.

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I don't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeers click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you

- Mariah Carey, All I Want For Christmas is You

Christmas and TW/NZ Family

After J&J came for lunch with presents, I then went to Z's place for Christmas dinner :)

I was hesitant for days whether or not it's appropriate to go because I knew that Christmas was more a family thing and I didn't want to be intruding. However, I was glad that I went as they were all so lovely and welcoming, and I had fantastic time. It was an honour to be invited and be part of someone else family as always. Seeing them so excited about their presents, enjoying the wine, food, music and each other's company made me feel thrilled to share the true spirit of Christmas with them. It was a pure joy without being homesick because Christmas has never been part of my family things. Thus I have never missed it.

Christmas is celebrated in a rather odd way in Taiwan. I think it's overly extravagant for a society whom doesn't understand the essence of Christmas. It has much more overwhelming/spectacular decorations and *awareness* than here in NZ, but it's very superficial and commercialised. I only get to know the real meaning of Christmas in the last few years and start loving it because ppl who I love celebrate Christmas.

Coming from a very family-orientated background, I used to misunderstand and doubt the bondings within a western family. A traditional Taiwanese family is more like a little society. There are a lot of responsibility and expectations from other family members. You have to play many different roles and consider others, but yourself is always the least significance. There is ONE strong family, but less individuality. Children are expected to live at home until they have to work/study in other place or get married. It looks like we are very close to each other, but I sometimes feel that this kind of closeness may actually cause unnecessary misery and conflicts. However, no one seems to mind too much. After all, thinking of the big picture of the family and endurance are taken as grounded and are considered as virtues.

On the other hand, western society is more about individuality. Children may be expected to move out home once they are 18 or 19, but the love and care they have for their family isn't any less. They still come home frequently and be there for each other whenever and wherever. Maybe it's why westerners feel more comfortable to say love than easterners. It's not because they don't mean it when they say it, but they are able to express it without hesitation. However, in a Chinese family, there are just so many expectations already that saying love is just too heavy and too much.

I am not quite sure how my happy Christmas led to such deep and meaningful thoughts, but meh~

Seasonal Greeting

Here comes the special Anita seasonal greeting -

Happy Christmas and Merry New Year!!

P.S. It's much harder than I thought to say this right. But you know what? Says who that Christmas has to be Merry and new year has to be Happy?!

After Work Day 2

Is it just me or is it really sad that I have been hanging out with my colleagues since we finished working on Friday?

After they left at 2am last night, they came back for more adventure this morning. (P.S. The TV died again.) We went for a bush walk at Waitakere and I enjoyed practising my flax weaving skills and all :) We then feasted our eyes on the Piha beach and played soccer for the entire afternoon.
"You play soccer very well!! Did you use to play?" He asked seriously on our way back to the car.
"Thank you! What a beautiful lie! I think I'll consider believing it!" I grinned joyfully :)

After dinner, they all came back to my place and watched 3 DVDs until 4am and I kicked them all out as I had to work on K'd Rd tomorrow!

I think my buddy may win the Richard Fish Award next year...

Last night, he said to D timidly,
"Is it a she or he?" pointed at D's soft toy?"
After holding it for few mins, he suddenly murmured to himself and said,
"I think it's a He!"

Today, after playing with the neighbour's cat and checking the gender of the cat (Of course!), he asked us,
"How many pair of Wonder bra does she need?"
It was a dead silence when everyone stop whatever they were doing and looked at each other. Then it burst into a laugh when he smiled bashfully and innocently!!

However, nothing above is as awkward as what he asked me after I mentioned that we should all go shopping on Boxing Day. Completely, out of the blue, he said with his normal shy voice,
"So...Anita, how many bra are you buying?"

Last Day at Work

It was the last day of the year at work and everyone was surprisingly busy including me! However, it was a short day as everyone was ready to relax by 3pm with some bubbles. Few of us then went for dinner and then Go Karting to celebrate the end of hardworking year!

It was such a bad idea to try and race with boys, especially I thought I could! Silly me! After few minor crashes, I came to this tight corner and I thought I could overtaken another girl just like the rest of boy gang, then BANG! I hit into the concrete barrier so hard that my right leg didn't like it at all. Despite the injuring, I was still aggressive but slightly conservative due to I can't step on accelerator fully anymore (Not because I have short legs!). Come on, I have to act up to the reputation, right? Female, Asian Driver and all that!

I must have been a good girl this year because Santa dropped another surprise tonight - My old TV works!!! After Go Kart, my colleagues came back to my place and I was gonna show them my late best friend. Thus, I turned on its life-support system and it was magically working perfectly!! How weird and wonderful is that!!! (It should have nothing to do that he kissed the TV, right?)

We then played some board games at my place and some quotes are definitely going to win some of them the X'mas Awards next year for sure!!

"What's the other name for a Wonder Bra?" Girl team asked.
"Humm....I don't know exactly what's a wonder bra, but I know the colour. Does it count??"
"Huh????!!!!"

How he knew the colour when he had NO IDEA what's a wonder bra is still a mystery!!

First X'mas Present

It was a very nice surprise to come home and find a X'mas present sitting on my doormat, especially after a day like today. I am deeply touched by his sweet thought and kind wishes.

Section Christmas Party

I didn't expect Waiheke would be such a nostalgic place for me. The emotion was so overwhelming that I barely sustained myself. Fortunately, ppl were so into their X'mas joyful mood and no one seemed to mind/notice/care my quietness. The vineyard was further into the island, which helped a lot to get over my pathetic sentimentality. I quickly tucked myself into the shimmering valley of beautiful olive groves, grapevines, ambience, unlimited alcohol supply, hot/attractive waitress and croquet.

The weather was perfect and everything seemed to be so much funnier at the time. I remember that everyone was laughing at the most trivial things for the entire afternoon. Must be the alcohol!!

Richard Fish award - Who has been the biggest perve this year? The nomination are:

• J for txting S (a guy) using C's phone "You are so hot without your cloth on!"
• J for txting Anita, "Like the stars in the skies, your eyes lit up the universe. Like the milky way in the universe, you're the most mysterious creature on earth."
• J for asking Anita "What is your hourly charging rate on K'd Rd?"

The work/life balance award - For the person who achieved the impossible.
"The winner is... Anita for all the extracurricular activities she is doing!"
"On K'd Road!!" Someone shouted out!
"No! OFF K'd Road" Someone else corrected it.
"^$%*$^%&..." What can I say, except taking my shot!

P.S. Trust me! It was much funnier at the time.

She Resigned!

I knew it was coming, but it was still a shock when I found out she is leaving!

I am happy for her as I know it's time for her to move on and grab a better opportunity. However, What about the poor little ME?!!

Without her,
who is gonna give me all the techinical guidance?
who is gonna protect me from all the blame?
who is gonna dodge a bullet for me when I am overloaded?
who is gonna share/start all the gossip?
and who is gonna do all the murmur so I don't have to?

She has made my last 8 months so enjoyable at work and it's really sad to see her go. I guess I have to grow up a bit and be more responsible now ;)

I wish I could say something smart;
I wish I could give more comfort;
I wish I could be more helpful,
but I feel really helpless at this moment!

I would give you a hug;
A hug without me saying anything;
A hug that lasts as long as you need!
I would give you all my love,
if only it would ease you with less struggle

I wish there is more time for you
but I hope you seize every moment
To do whatever you need to do;
To say whatever you need to say;
To forgive whoever you need to for giving;
To forget whatever you need to for getting;
To love whoever you need to love.

21st and X'mas in the Park

21st birthday party?! Yes, I know that it seems weird that I still hang out with that age group, but come on! I am not far off from that age group, aren't I? Don't answer that!

I wasn't prepared to see him there as I double checked with the birthday boy about who were gonna be there and his name wasn't mentioned. I noticed myself talking to everyone but saved him for the last. He probably was feeling as awkward as I was, so we managed to avoid each other easily at the beginning. Then, after I was more grounded, we finally had some pleasant chat and everything seemed normal afterward. It was a lovely night to catch up with everyone, esp with him.

I left around 1am and had to get up to do my car service at 8am the next day. I was so tired that I couldn't repeat my cellphone number to the mechanic. I was like,
"021-25.....no I mean 021-2115...Doh!.....Can I just write it down? :$"

After reading my book for 3 hours at McDonald with a coffee and a breakfast, and $500 later, I finally got my car home safely. I then went to the Christmas in the Park to do fundraising for Youthline, so I can get a free feed and a free T-shirt :P I was actually pretty good at selling! I may consider it as my 2nd career :P. As far as I am concerned, the target market were definitely little kids with big family and group of friends with bf/gf!!

The firework was so incredible that totally made up for the rain and the cold. I was jumping and jaw-dropping while I was watching the firework. It was a magical moment that everything around me seemed to blend into the background and it was just me and the fabulous firework. The night ends with a warm friendly goodbye which left me timidly at a loss for words.

"Hey, how has your evening been? Would you like to buy a Santa hat to keep you/your kids/family/partner warms?"

"How about a light stick?"
"Does it keep me warm?"
"Umm....for a while?!"

You and Me

I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through. None of it is your fault! Please stop blaming yourself because nothing justifies what he did! What happen to you should have never happened, my dear child.

I know that everything seems so helpless and hopeless to you and you feel you can't trust anyone anymore. However, there are good ppl out there and I hope one day you will be able to find ppl whom you can trust, love and be loved again. Your amazing strength has impressed and inspired so many others and I deeply believe that one day you will embrace all these and offer so much more to the ppl who around you.

Hang in there, my dearest child. When you are ready in your own time, I'll be sharing that moment of joy with you side by side.

It was a wonderful feeling to have something to look forwards after work - to be back home to the loved one.

Oh! TV!

Free

I have been

• TV free;
• Car free - I finally got around and fixed it;
• Cellphone free - I left it in my car with the mechanic;
• Internet free - It just gave up on me for 2 days;
• Bank card free - I left it with my mechanic when I went to picked up my car/cellphone (It was rather embarrassed when I couldn't pay my 1kg of cherry and 3 packs of strawberry at vege shop).
  

They all happened in this week.. Oh well, at least I got free lunch twice this week :P

Lunches

I felt slightly uncomfortable when she brought me her home-made lunch on Monday for real. But I have never expected that her innocent-naive new buddy would go down the same path and let me get my own way - hand-made my lunch too :P I felt really embarrassed about it when he gave me his fresh made sandwiches :$ See, I still have a little bit of conscience (for a little while before the evil eroded me)

I should really stop bullying my colleagues, eh? But I just can't say no to free lunch, can I? :P

So far, we have squeezed a birthday chocolate cake out of another new colleague this Monday, and today I have also successfully extorted a free lunch. Those poor fresh meat better learn their lessons quick because we obviously have no mercy on them :P I have no guilt to be part of these scams and take the initiative to take care/integrate/blackmail those new commers, as long as they leave my buddy alone. :P

My Addiction

I made a pact with the angel, but I broke it during the weekend coz I was too bored. Sometimes, I think I am addicted to the pain. It's the only reason I could think of why I keep doing things that can only hurt myself! Maybe they are right - Because it feels so good when I stop (Gray's Anatomy,2005).

Now, I am cellphoneless again.

Chocolate Fountain! Turkey!!

I got chocolate all over my jacket, but it was all worth it. Mmmm.....Chocolate Fountain!!!! 12 kg of melt chocolate with fruits and marshmallows. Ohhooo.....It was just like heaven!! It is not it!! There is more!!!! With my proud messy chocolate jacket, I then went to my first ever Thanksgiving Dinner. It was sooooo yummmmmm!!!!! The turkey, the pumpkin pie, the paella, the almost-Greek-bread etc etc etc....

It was a glory day for my stomach!!!!

Humour v.s. Insult

I have never been good at giving negative feedback to others because I have always been a people pleaser; nice, they call me. Thus, I tend to bottle up my anger rather than express it. However, this time I found the need to express my feeling truly. Thus, I told them that I wasn't amused and I didn't think those hurtful commons were necessary. I was quite impressed with myself that I decided to do something different this time, because it really brought my colleagues and I closer. (Humm....it may have something to do with me sending those emails at one o'clock in the morning after my X'mas party, but it was the only time I was free. Maybe that's why they took me so seriously...:P)

This incident really get me to think not only how I deal with my anger, but also the thin line between "being funny" and "hurting someone else feeling". Early this week, a friend of mine kindly told me that she disliked the way I mocked at her. I appreciated her honesty deeply and I sincerely feel sorry for what I did. I have been on both ends that I have hurt someone and have also been hurt by unintentional jokes. Now, I am extremely carefully when I make fun of ppl and I still contemplating to find that right balance to be a truly fun person to be around.

Wayne

I am not a Christian, but I was very moved by this poem, just like how I was deeply touched by Wayne's strength, courage and spirit.

It has been an honour to meet you, Wayne. The time we spent was brief, but truly inspirational.

You struggle no longer, the Answer to our prayers,
Stripped from our lives, your death was our fears.
You fight no longer for time in this life,
A house to have, to hold, a wife.
Oh how vain are these things, in light of His will,
Against our understanding, the old you lay still.
A trying time for your strength and your faith.
Glorifying, all times you put God in His place.
A man I cannot outgrow, a man now without age,
An inspiration you'll be, til my very last page.
I thank you, Brother, on behalf of all learnt,
Your spirit never dull, by God's love you burned.
Our bodies are made to last a lifetime,
But Wayne, with your soul,
What body would contain?
What body would hold?

- Laban Cole

Follow up to the Closure of Anita Entertainment Ltd

With my best friend *pause* TV still in ICU, I can only sort of listening to it, rather than watching it. However, it's okay as I have been an expert in listening to TV with years experience since I was a kid! Oh....my good old time! Sneaking behind my parents back and secretly tuning my radio to listen in TV at my room was my biggest enjoyment back then, so was my school friends'. Why? Because I would spend the rest of the week storytelling them the weekly soap drama during every lunch time - the early "Anita entertainment Ltd". All you need is good imagination and creativity and then you can enjoy TV blindly!!

I went to my "retail therapy" today and I couldn't resist the temptation to admire those colour, non-twisted, steady, and workable televisions. I can't remember how long I was standing in front of those televisions but I have never felt so completed since I lost my best friend. *sniff* *sniff* It was a moment of joy and proud!! I almost forget that there could be colours on TV!!! That's how sad it was!!!!

"You listen to the TV over ICU? Anita you need help :-P"

Firework

It was really exciting to see others burning money. Well, that's my definition of firework anyway :P

I guess there was a reason why I was only allowed to play sparklers. What a discrimination!! Never mind. After I showed my dedication by burning my finger, they finally let me play with those big bang fireworks - Very impressive, but so overrated as it only last few seconds (Hum....like many other things....:P)

Car

I learned how to change tyres and washed my car this afternoon!

Anything gets me not to study, eh?

Fairy Tales

Let's believe in fairy tales again - together.

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

- Meredith, Grey's Anatomy (2005)

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

- Meredith, Grey's Anatomy (2005)

I Panicked

I panicked!
I had too many thoughts,
With too little time,
Which I didn't know at the time.

I panicked! I panicked!
No start time was recorded,
So the call wasn't able to be traced.
It was entirely
MY FAULT.

I wish I had followed my instinct
I wish I had done what I should have done
I mucked up big time!
I wish I didn't screw up the little girl's life.

I panicked! I panicked! I panicked!

Karma

Karma works in a mysterious way. However, in this case, it was just not fair!!!

Arrrh!!!

She shouldn't have had suffered for what her brother had done. She is a lovely girl and he was such a jerk! I was screaming and angry inside, but I couldn't say what I wanted to say out loud because I knew it would have been for the wrong reason. It would have been for me, rather than for her and I would have definitely regretted it. I am glad that I wasn't swayed by my feelings or acted rashly, but still it really irritated me to see her get hurt the way I did.

On the grass, under the tree next by my favourite beach, we shared the most intimacy with each other. We cried, we laughed and we supported each other with all our hearts. Looking at the sea, I admitted that I have been self-harming myself badly mentally. Disclosing my darkest secret completely for the first time wasn't as intimidating as I thought it would have been, because I know that I am no longer feeling lonely in this battle.

- Thank you for being there holding my hand and loving me!

"I could so date you!"

My Best Friend...

My best friend *pause* TV died during the long weekend!!!! I was devastated!!

Instead of having a soulful life, such as reading, cooking or sleeping, I spent the whole day trying to make my computer work, so I can watch DVDs on it. However, lowering the monitor to the ground level, lying on my bean bag, typing keyboard on my lap and using mouse from an awkward position are just a bad combination for a disaster to happen!!

This morning when I got up... *Ouch* I twisted my neck! Great! Just great!!

Oh! For those who are so obsessed with problem solving or have such scientific/logic mind, here are the symptoms and tests that I have run.

Symptoms:
1) The sounding is fine, but the TV screen is twisted horizontally.
2) DVD doesn't work and neither does Video.
3) The TV menu text are shown fine!!

Tests:
a) I have changed the DVD input from channel 2 (at the back of the TV) to channel 3 (at the front of the TV).
b) I have tried re-channel it manually.
c) I have pull off all connections to DVD and video.
d) I have tried rabbit ear antenna.

Diagnosis
" Buy a plasma!" They said.

NOTES:
Due to circumstances, Anita Entertainment Ltd is closed until further noticed. We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause. Donation towards further technical investigation/investment is welcome. For further information please contact party hotline, where a friendly representative will be with you as soon as possible. Your call is important to us.

P.S. I think my best friend has Alzheimer because if I tried hard enough, it would remember how to read a DVD. Well, 1 out of 10 chance at the moment. Maybe I am not completely losing my friend. There is still hope!

27/Oct/2006

Randoms Captianing

The battlefield was brutal as usual with my brave Randoms worriers!!

We led 16-12 at halftime, despite Power Rangers liked to pick on the little me! Why can't they pick on someone with their own size?! Or I was just too brave/naive to recall the law of physics - conservation of momentum? When the little bee hit the elephant, the bee will bounce back in the same speed, while the elephant is still stationary. Duh!

However, we fought fearlessly and restlessly! Well done, team!!

Despite the fact we finished with "second" again (we didn't win, but we were second!), we are still just behind the second last team!!! (Yes, the Captain is still in denial :P)

"Are you our Captain?"

"Yes, I am!"

"Shouldn't you be at least 6 ft tall?"

"*^^*. Sorry for letting you down, team!"

Crash (2004)

It was very interesting to see different groups of my friends crashing with each other tonight at Anita Entertainment Ltd. Somehow, I felt I was whole again. That's when I realised the different social patterns I adopt to, when I am with with different social groups. It's not that I put up different personas, but it's just I show different sides of myself more in one group than others.

It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

- Crash (2004)

Restless, but Fulfilling Life

The talk I gave in the assembly went really well considering how little sleep I got from the night before. The key message I wanted those young girls to take away isn't how great it is to be an engineer, but they can become anyone they want to be. It's okay to feel lost and don't know what they want to be. I didn't know who I wanted to be and I still don't know even I started a career in transportation. However, I believe that there is no right or wrong choices in life because you always learn things on the way.

I came down to Tauranga right after the school visit, and then went straight to do the travel time survey in the afternoon. In order to compensate my hard work, I treated myself a very nice dinner on the waterfront with lovely wine and sunset (with project budget, of course :P). However, the dessert was really disappointing though. After some happy tipsy phone calls, I went to bed early, because I had to get up at 6am the next day to do another survey. There wasn't too much time relaxing or sightseeing afterward neither, because I had to drive all the way back to Auckland. I was so exhausted that even V (energy drink) didn't work on me and I had to keep punching myself on the face and legs to keep myself awake. I was half-dead when I got back to the office and my colleagues reckoned I should have just gone home. However, I really wanted to go to my transition group, so I ended up having a power nap on my desk after doing my assignment.

If I have learn anything in the last two days, then I learn to be humbler.

I came down to Tauranga with all sort of wrong attitudes. I was feeling superior, even arrogant! First, I was very Auckland orientated and thought how it could be possible that Tauranga would have any traffic problems compared with Auckland?! I was very wrong! Another thing I noticed and feel shameful to admit is that I am getting materialistic. (Damn! The evil corporate world has finally corrupted me!) The reason I came down alone and got a surveyor was that it's cheaper! But it doesn't give me the right to estimate how helpful the surveyor could have been based on her hourly charging rate! She was very insightful and I wouldn't have got out so much from my visit if it wasn't her with all that useful local knowledge and life experience. Not to mention, the best lookout place and the best fish & chip in Tauranga!!!

The more surprised I was at the traffic problem and how knowledgeable the surveyor was, the more shameful I felt.

Rubgy 101

I had my Rubgy101 today at the Corporate Box, Eden Park (Is it too obvious that I am showing off here? I am just a bit too excited about the whole experience with the food...oh and the game, of course(!) :P).

My lesson started with learning how to pronounce Rugby properly (I was pronouncing it as Robbie and ppl thought I was going to see Robbie Williams....:$), following by the difference between Rugby Legend and Union. I was a very good student and was very concentrating on learning all the rules in the first half until they brought out the food....

"Pssss......That is called a TRAIL"
"$^&%$*%#*#"

Ouch!

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up.

- Meredith, Grey's Anatomy (2005)

Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

- Meredith, Grey's Anatomy (2005)

Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more. Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

- Meredith, Grey's Anatomy (2005)

A Dream Call

I got a call which is every counsellor's dream - The caller told me her issue logically and came up with her own solution in her own time.

She was confused at the beginning, but something I reflected back to her must had clarified the whole issue for her. She thanked me enthusiastically and knew exactly what she was going to do without me even trying to guide her through. I basically just sat back and relax with minimum effort and let her do all the work (which is what a counsellor is supposed to do). I feel an almost natural high after the call.

I feel very privilege and humbler to share that joy with her.

Such a good call!!

"I miss you."

Time Poor

I apologise that I haven't been updating my blog for too long. Life has been very busy....I am overdrafting with my time and very "time poor" these days. Here I am, trying to make up to my loyal readers by outlining all my excuses of neglecting this blog. I'll slowly put all my unfinished posts online soon. I promise!

Two weeks ago, I had some colleagues over and everyone brought a plate for lunch and we played Mah-jong, piano and learning guitar. We were going to have a team training for our Frisbee team as we were/are losing badly!! However, we had our first win yesterday!!!! Yeah!! It was such a significant day!! We won effortless (*shhh* never mind the bit that the opposition couldn't play so we won by default). Oh Yeah~ I temperately have a guitar and learning as badly as my Cantonese :P. Few other events I organised were share-dinners following by DVDs at my place.

I have been occupied this week with 2 Taiwan visitors (my primary schoolmate's high school classmate, who I have never met before) staying at my place, but I was busy with my counselling training/Uni class/theater ushering/assgt on Wed and Thur nights, so I haven't spent much time with them. However, I took a day off on Tuesday and showed them around. The latest Anita tour packaging included Mt. Eden, Uni, Queen St., T-Mart (Taiwanese shop) and Bakery King (Taiwanese Bakery). I know it's sad, but they seemed to enjoy them very much :P

Yes, I have been also involved with Youthline and trying to become a solo phone counsellor this year. We had a marae weekend last week and it was very special for me (even I have been to marae 3 times before). What else have I been doing? I also do FutureIntech which promoting science, engineering and technology to NZ kids by bring scientists and engineers to classrooms. I am having my first school visit in Oct at my old high school in Assembly.....It's scary, but at the same time going to be fun.

I hope it's enough to excuse my neglect of the need of my readers.

- - - - -

P.S. It took me longer than I thought, but here you go - my promise to you all after 5 weeks. Phew~~ I finally caught up all the posts, but now I have slightly-less-post-debt to get out of :P

23/Oct/2006

Te Aroha

This Marae experience has been really special for me.

It really touched me deeply how ppl struggled through their lives and amazingly still breathing. I got very emotional throughout the weekend. I cried, I sang, I smiled, I gave supports, I sang more, I cried and cried. It hurt the most to see the ones whom I love, I respect and look up to, suffer through difficulties in their lives and I wasn't able to help at all. They are all brave warriors; they stood up there telling their family history, up bring, feelings and sufferings. I feel truly privilege and humbler to be there and hear all the stories from others. I didn't sleep much because I didn't want to miss out any body's sharing until 3am, but I feel very refreshing, peaceful and not tired at all.

I really wanted to get up there and acknowledge the person I love the most in the room, but I wasn't able to do it. I knew it would have brought up a series of my personal issues and I wasn't ready to face it yet. However, I managed to stand up at the closing and briefly told everyone where I am at. It was more difficult than I thought it could have been, even it was just admitting I have some unfinished business. I was so emotional that I had to pause a couple of times and ended up shedding few tears with my speech.

I am going to come back to this marae in a year's time and I want to get up to that sharing space and disclose my story to this loving whanau (family). I'll seek help from face to face counselling if necessary, so that I can be strong for others when they need me - my promise to the whanau and myself 2006.

Te aroha                             Love                   
Te whakapono                         Faith
Me te rangimarie                     And peace
Tatou tatou ee                       Together

Kai kaha ra                          Be strong
Kia manawanui                        Be patient
Kia u kia maia                       Stay the course
Tatou tatou ee                       All of us

Locked Out

I forgot my keys and got locked out tonight :(

It must be what I wrote on the Remark for tomorrow's Mah-Jong session. I jinxed myself by saying "Hopefully I'll be home".

The neighbour wasn't home, and bro wasn't picking up his phone. I was tired, cold and hungry, so I called my tutoring kids.

"Hey... are you guys home? Can...I...come?" I asked
"Eh...But, we are going out for dinner now"

"Umm....."I hesitated, then I said "Can...I...come? :P"

"Let me ask Mum and Dad" She said. A moment later,
" Yes, you can. Do you know this restaurant called...?" "You can meet us there."

"Eh...Umm.....Can you pick me up *^^* ?"

Yes, as you can see, I was very DESPERATE!!

I found the whole thing funny and I had to share with all my colleagues who are coming to my house tomorrow. They were all surprisingly caring about my situation and some even worried about my safely. I was touched by them.

The night ended nicely with a free dinner, brother rescuing and a song promised to dedicate (a.k.a mock) to my experience.

The First Charge

I was very nervous about my first ever phone call, but I think it went well last night.

It last for 24 mins and there were points that I just didn't know what to say - Arrh! Panicking! However, the mentor was very helpful and supportive by keeping passing me notes. Ppl said the first charge was always the hardest and the most challenging, but it was really fulfilling to be able to help someone. It was a wonderful feeling to hear the caller thanking me as she felt much calmer after talking to me. Of course, there are heaps learning edges I identified myself and I still have a long way to go before I become a solo counsellor!

I was very attached with the call and I ended up having all sort of counselling dreams last night! Good practise, but I was so lack of resting that I couldn't function properly at work today!!

"Help!! I need another name apart from my real name!"
"How about Maybel?" Someone suggested.
"Huh? Why?" I was puzzled.
"Maybel Lin"
"Huh??? Why?" Confused, I was still.
" Maybe It's Maybelline~"
"..."

*Maybelline is a brand of make up

He would be proud!

He would be so proud of me if he had seen me tonight.

I was so enthusiastically (as always :P) to share (a.k.a show off) my knowledge of India to Indians at this farewell party. They were stunned by how much I know about Samosa Chat, Bhel Puri, Pani Puri, Dahi Puri, Rava Dosa, Masala Dosa, Utthapam, Mango Lassi, Masala tea, Gulab Jamoon, Mehandi, Water (2006), Fire (1996), Holi and Rakhi festivals!!! Apparently, I know more than they know about Indian culture :P Hahahah... It's so cool!!!

"Oh my God! You really know a lot about Indian culture!! "

"Do you have an Indian boyfriend?"

"...^^|||"

Do I know you...?

"Hi... Do I know you from somewhere?"

This seems to be my latest "pick up" line with random guys on the street.

Few weeks ago, I saw a guy in BK and I bluntly stopped him and asked him where did I know him from, then his name and all other details. He stood there and both of us tried very hard to think how we met without any success. After he left, my friend said to me,

"Is that your latest fishing technique? Because, it seems to work pretty well there!"
"... ^^|||" I was still very puzzled because I couldn't remember how I met him and it really bugged me.

This morning, it suddenly hit me - I know!!! We were in the same acting class last year!! That was a relief! Then, again, this afternoon on my way to my lecture, I stopped another guy and the same thing happened!

I just thought I would update this latest fishing technique, like before :P

You are amazing

"You are amazing!" She said to me after I told her what I have been up to these days.

It meant a lot to me to hear that, as she has been someone I really admire and love since the first day we met. She has been truly an inspiration for me and I remember I said to myself, I want to be just like her! It was very encouraging to hear that from her personally.

I know you are going through some tough time, my beautiful friend. However, hang in there because - For me, you are amazing!

Futureintech Ambassador

I am now one of the Futureintech* Ambassadors with a proud badge! It's so cool to have a title such as Ambassador even it is far from what a real ambassador is doing. Soon, you will be able to find my profile online. My first school visit will be my old high school and TALK in the assembly! It's gonna be intimidating, challenging, but interesting at the same time.

Pepole choose different ways to help out the community. Some do donation, some do volunteering work, some do WorldVision, and some just do their job well. For me, both Youthline and Futureintech are my way to contribute back to the society. A way to say thank you to those whom help me through difficult times.

I have always been lucky to have a lot of ppl to enlighten me and to give me guidance as I grow up. Even when there was no one, I was lucky enough to have the strength to go through some low patches myself. Now, I have fought my way though in this complex society and turned out to be fine. I know how difficult and confusing it could been so I want to help out by sharing my own experience. I hope I will make a difference and touch some ppl's lives, just like those who had make a difference to my life.

*Futureintech is an organisation to promote science, engineering and technology to kiwi kids by bring real scientists and engineers to classroom.

My girl, hiding at the corner
feeling hopeless
couldn't turn back time
couldn't move forward

I, who knows no better
feeling helpless
could only stare
could only share
that searing pain

I never said I wasn't damaged
But, I am here now
Let me hold your hand
Put my arms around
Piece by piece
We will glue ourselves back
Together - One day

Before Sunrise (1995) and Before Sunset (2004)

The back to back movie night went extremely well. Both movies were excellent choices for the wide diversity of the crowd. It has an romantic story line, but there were various and deep discussions on environmental issue, how media influences our live, relationship, reincarnation, travelling, poem, taking chance, live at the moment etc, which everyone seemed to enjoy it.

I thought that I had passed the phase of being passion about travelling, but the movies brought that part of me back to live. I guess it has never left me. I didn't thought I had much common with the story except I was in Europe for a year and backpacking for 4 months. However, when I woke up this morning, few faces and stories came to my mind, which made me have a strong connection with the movies now.

1. I did the same thing as the movie surprisingly on the train to Vienna. I met a girl and we had a very nice chat. I wasn't planning to stay in Vienna as I had been there so many times. However, she proposed an excellent idea which I couldn't possibly refused- seeing a play in the opera house for free. No one expected or waited for me in Slovakia, so I jumped off the train with her and spent the night in Vienna, just like the main characters.
2. Another time was on my way to La Tomatina (Tomato Festival) in Bunol, Spain. I met some random guy (again!) on the train. After a very brief chat, I trusted him enough that I gave him my camera and let him take me through the crazy festival. He didn't let me down. He made sure I had the best experience with all the flying tomatoes and protected me when ppl tried to rip my T-shirt all the way through the festival. I then went to his flat in Valencia for the second shower. Going home with a guy I had just met is a shocker even when I look back now. However, his generosity, hospitality and kindness left me with a soft spot for him and the country. And, yes, I do have his email, address and phone number :)
3. Then, not to mention, there was also a guy I liked and is married now.
   

"The movies were all about what if and I am just wondering have you ever wondered what if you didn't have him back then? Would you have done anything different?" She asked me.

I actually have pondered that question before. I think I would have either gone very wild or haven't had the strong intimacy with all my life time friends. Yes, without a bf I would have had more freedom, but at the same time I was glad to have him as my rock. No matter what happened, at the end of the day, I knew there was someone that I can turn to even he was on the other side of the world. I was very lucky to have that kind of security. And also because of him, I was able to make strong relationships with guys without worrying their or my attention as I made it clear no one was going to cross the line as it's a friendship only zone. With that attitude, I was able to open my heart completely to every single souls I came across and shared some special moments in our lives without fears or doubts. So what I am trying to say is

"No, I still prefer to have had him as my rock because I would never want to trade those special moments and friendships"

There are so many nice quotes from these movies and I have been discussing them in White Massi's comments, but here are some more!!

You know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? Is when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they're thinking of you. You know, you'd like to think you're both in all this pain but they're just like 'Hey, I'm glad you're gone' (Before Sunrise, 1995).

Memories are wonderful things, if you don't have to deal with the past (Before Sunset, 2004).

I used to think that if none of your family or friends knew you were dead, it was like not really being dead. People can invent the best and the worst for you. (Before Sunrise, 1995)

I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt. (Before Sunrise, 1995)

There was nothing to buy, no advertisements anywhere. So all I had been doing was walk around, think, and write. My brain felt like it was at rest, free from the consuming frenzy, and I have to say, it was almost like a natural high. I felt so peaceful inside. No strange urge to be somewhere else, to shop. Maybe it could have seemed like boredom at first, but it quickly became very, very soulful! (Before Sunrise, 1995)

OK, well this was my thought: 50,000 years ago, there are not even a million people on the planet. 10,000 years ago, there's, like, two million people on the planet. Now there's between five and six billion people on the planet, right? Now, if we all have our own, like, individual, unique soul, right, where do they all come from? You know, are modern souls only a fraction of the original souls? 'Cause if they are, that represents a 5,000 to 1 split of each soul in the last 50,000 years, which is, like, a blip in the Earth's time. You know, so at best we're like these tiny fractions of people, you know, walking... I mean, is that why we're so scattered? You know, is that why we're all so specialized? (Before Sunrise, 1995)

I have this awful paranoid thought that feminism was mostly invented by men so that they could like, fool around a little more. (Before Sunrise, 1995)

Art Making

I forget how much fun it was to make arts! Especially if you can have the ownership to the creativity. I used to paint when I was little, but I stopped because Dad always put too much input into all my winning pieces. The last painting that I made and loved was for a special friend 4 years ago. To date, I still can't believe he melted the paints to see what was written underneath! Silly boy!

Today at office, we were making arts for charity. I didn't want to just paint some pre-designed patterns by numbers. Don't get me wrong. They are all brilliant designs, but I knew I could do better (snob!). It was very intimating at the beginning to let others judge my ability. However, as I started putting some abstract patterns on the canvas, a vivid idea/vision came to me which got rid of my insecurity and no longer feared of making a complete fool of myself in front of others.

Art only makes sense if it means something to you. And this one does to ME.

My panting has a lot of circles and a very abstract roundabout/hub on top of it. I used bright red and blue directly out the tubes to illustrate a 3D arterial (What a pun! Both human body and roading use this terminology!) and the colour choices were associated with micro-simulation and network simulation packages that we are using at work :) I put both of my transportation and bioengineering background into it and it's priceless, as far as I am concerned (narcissist)!!! I named it About Round (Go figure!) and I absolutely love it, no matter what other ppl may think of it.

*click* *click*
My colleague was contributing to the art making event by taking pictures.

"Hey... you forgot my piece" I tried to complain.
"Where is yours?" He said, feeling sorry.
"There, that one!" I pointed my under progress art.
"OH! I thought that's a palette"

The Ring is Back on the Finger

However, for a different reason.

Three years ago, I found what I wanted in my life when I was in Greece and I bought this ring to symbolise my commitment to a relationship and a Master degree. I followed my heart back to New Zealand. It was the right decision at the time.

End of last year, I was once again lost. I took the ring down and searched for the answer in Taiwan alone. Eventually I found what I wanted - the relationship and working. I followed my heart once again back to New Zealand for the second time, but the relationship didn't work this time.

The journey continues without stopping in the last 6 months and now it finally feels right to put the ring back on to celebrate my growth, my moving on, my enjoyable work and my fulfilling life :)

Unfinished Business

1. I need an apology from him
2. I need to hear that he regrets what he did to me and recognise that he let the best thing in his life go

Lights,
Heater,
Music and TV
All ON,
To fill out the emptiness of the house.

How do you know that you are no longer young...

When,

1. A new colleague about to join your section, and you talk to your other colleague.
"Have you heard? There is a new person starting next week and he was here this week. The rather young guy, remember?" I said.
"No. It was a rather old guy!" She replied. Disagreed.

Then, we found out we were talking about the same guy... #$^@&@#$#

2. You start being cautious and anxious about the nice gesture from married men. And, you start looking at ppl's ring fingers.

The Ball

This was the fourth time I went to the ball and no, I still don't have a dress. That's right, I borrowed someone else ball dress as usual for the fourth time and someone did my hair and my make up! They were beautiful! 天生麗質難自棄 (Can't help it coz I was born to be beautiful!) *Kill me somebody*

The night started with a little car accident, which I backed into his car. Damn! I completely forgot he parked behind me when I was hurrying out with two of my colleagues. No one had parked there for months and I was so used to get out of garage without checking! Oh well!

We went to the pre-ball first and I had to be a pain in the neck to our young graduate colleagues first.
"Come on! Young ppl!" I said, trying to get all their attentions on the thing I was holding.
"Here is this thing called Film Camera! This is what we used before digital camera came along!" I pretended to be very serious and ancient (well, I felt ancient as I was the only one holding a film camera) as I put the film into my camera.

It was freezing cold tonight, but the ball was great! I drunk a whole glass of champagne without realising it's alcoholic. Yes, I was very blond! I had too much fun that I thought I was drinking bobble juice, while I was meant to be the sober driver! I danced the whole night and my feet were killing me by the end of it.

Just when I thought everything went very well, there were some awkward moment which I didn't quite manage to avoid in the end. I admire his courage and I thanked him for what he said to me, but that's all I could reply to him.

Tired, tired, tired...
Safe home
Sleep.

In a Dilemma

I went to my new transition group and surprisingly, there was no one from my old group. More than half of group have known each other during their previous trainings. As you may be able to image, it was very intimidating for me. They all share a very strong intimacy, just like my old group and I felt uncomfortably intruding.

It was the first time I looked at the clock every now and then, and hoped it'll be all finishing soon. There were quite a few things to get used to, the different facilitators style, different and shorter time, a much smaller room, new ppl to build the connection with and so on.

In a way, I want to change group, but I would be very disappointed at myself surrendering to obstacles so easier. I believe things happen for a reason. Besides, I love challenges and I am simply stubborn. I know it may not be so bad if I try harder to fit in. After all, they are all Youthline members! Wouldn't it be fantastic to develop that kind of intimacy with more ppl? However, I also recognise the need to develop my skills in a safe and comfortable environment.

I am in this dilemma, which I don't know what's the best for me. However, time is running out, as if I want to change group, I have do it as soon as possible.

It's very stressful and frustrating!

The White Masai

I thought the culture shock I had was bad.
I thought I was strong and brave to be in a cross-culture relationship.

I was wrong!

Compared with her, my experience was nothing. I had tears in my eyes after watching tonight's based on true story film, The White Masai - A Swiss woman married to Masai (a tribe) warrior and lived with him in the Kenya bush. The story hit a little too close to home, I guess.

There were a lot of feelings that I can identify strongly with her, such as love, culture differences, compromises, and conflicts. She was so strong and so optimistic, which I admire deeply (eg. the first time she had sex with him and the car accident). What amazed me more was the different approaches she took with some of the struggles she had. It struck me to see alternative ways to deal with misunderstanding and frustration, and realised how things could have done differently with my relationships. The love they shared was strong and both of them had tried so hard, but it wasn't enough. Sometimes, you don't end up with the person you love, no matter how much you love each other.

It is a deep and intriguing film and I strongly recommend it to anyone who is interested in diversity between cultures :)

I was driving across harbour bridge earlier today and a thought troubled me,
"Is it the best to hold back my feeling for other men until I no longer have feeling for him?"
"What if I never can get over him?!"

Then, she - my dear gentle friend from the other side of the world told me wisely,
"You will never stop loving him"
", but you will learn to deal with the pain."
"He'll always be there but maybe in a different way."

Live Life to the Full

I went to work and had early lunch so I could be ready for my first game - Ultimate Frisbee! Yeah yeah, I thought the same: There is no way that it could be classified as a sport! I was wrong! Very wrong!! Five minutes into the game, I regretted that I ever doubt about this sport! I was puffing like a dog! Gee~ What a tough workout! After witnessing how ppl played with 3 players spilling blood on the court today, I now understand why there were so many serious injuries (including broken bones) last season, considering it's a non-contact game (yeah right!)

After we got beaten up (which I realised later that 11:7 wasn't bad at all as the following weeks we got trashed 22:2 and then 26:2! *sniff**sniff* I better get used to losing), I spent sometime helping a colleague with modelling (Yeah! I am finally useful and no longer a 米蟲 (rice insect) at the company :P) and went to the section training. Then, I rushed off to my first ever transportation paper at Uni. It was so refreshing to get back to study again! Not to mention, I can have student discount too!! The material was rather easy understood, but fast as it combines two undergraduate papers all together. It all makes sense as long as they keep throwing me the math formula (Gee...that sounds so geeky!)

After my three hours lecture, we went for dinner until half way through it, he got a "road rescue" call from his friend. Perfect timing! I was able to fit in another activity - catching up with my Slovak girl friend who happened to be in town for the evening! We went to a bar for some drinks together and then I started to salute Indian food to her friend (he is an Indian) as it has become quite a habit to share my new passion for Indian culture whenever I meet a Indian. Then we went to see the Czech/Slovak film - Lunacy! It was a dream came true to watch a Slovak film with a real Slovak :)

The film was about what's normal, and it was disgustingly funny! There were meats, eyeballs, brains, and tongues all over the place - moving, which was rather disturbing but very cleverly done. For example, my favourite scene was after the main character got put on a restraint jacket by force, the camera slowly moved into a living modern supermarket and gazed on a fresh meat wrapped in plastic wrap - breathing.

The quote of the day had to be this one.

After the movie finished, the guy behind us said...
"So... It's a movie about meat, EH??"

New Culture Passion

After my passion for Germany football and Cantonese, my latest random habit is Indian culture! Well...more precisely Indian food :P

It all started from the night I took him to see the dark comedy called The Lesson written by his favourite absurdist play writer - Eugene Ionesco. Before the play, he took me to this southern Indian restaurant and I instantly fell in love with the food there!!!

Forget those boring butter chicken curries, southern Indian food are the best! I had Dahi Puri, which were crispy shells with potato and creamy yoghurt. They were as cool as what the menu said it is - A must try!! Then I stole some of his Rava Dosa and had my Utthapam, which was described as Indian Pizza, but it's nothing like a pizza except it was round :P Both were some sort of onion, tomato and cheese mixed pancake with potato onion curry... It tasted so goooooood especially with hands :) Oh...I also tried Mango Lassi which was mango with yoghurt. Mmmmmm.....So Yummmmmm......

Then, today, we went to see the India film Water. I just love culture diversity because it always gives me different perspectives to see things. That's why I am such a film festival freak! This film we watched was very depressing. It is about India widows (such as the main character, Chuyia who was only 8 years old), who must be forcibly separated from their families and sent to an ashram in 1930s. They had to shave their hairs off and can only wear white sari for the rest of their lives without any jewelry. In short, all they were doing was waiting to die. It's visually appearing, culturally enriching and emotionally touching.

One of the quote I really like from this film is

Narayana: All the old traditions are dying out.

Kalyani: But what is good should not die out.

Narayana: And who will decide what is good and what is not?

Kalyani: You!

Auckland International Film Festival 2006

We went to see The Cave of the Yellow Dog, which was the first of my 3 films for the day.

Before the movie started, he said to me,

"You really get yourself out a lot these days, eh?"
"What do you mean?"
"You are into stand up comedy, football, fruit festival and now film festival!"
"Film festival is an old time love! Oh you forgot the theatre, youth counselling and my Cantonese learning!"
"Right~I just thought that maybe one day, you will come up with something really random, such as gallery or something like that, eh?"
"Well, now you mention it, I am actually going to a friend's art exhibition next week in a gallery!"
"..."

Anyway, this is a vivid slice-of-life film with breathtaking landscape. The acting was so nature that I almost thought it's a documentary! Besides the the amazing romad Mongolia life style, there were also subtext of some philosophical and spiritual questions all over the place, such as reincarnation and human value. Two scenes really struck me.

Scene 1.
"Try to bite here - your palm." The mother said to the 6 years old girl, Nansal.
"You can see it, you can touch it, and you want to eat it, but you just can't have it!"

Yes, indeed, sometimes you have to let go even it's something you really loved, just like my Young Lily. (P.S. Yes, I did try like a kid naively at the cinema and No, I couldn't bite it, neither.)

Scene 2.
When Nansal got lost during grazing a flock of sheep alone, she was sheltered by an old woman. Nansal was curious about the value of human life after she told her the legend of the cave of the yellow dog. The old woman didn't say a thing, but smiled and took a pot of raw rice out. She scooped up the rice and spilled on a toothpick, and asked Nansal to do the same.

"Let me know when there is a single rice balancing on the top of the toothpick" She said.

The girl kept on trying until she got very frustrated.
"It's impossible. It's too hard" She said.

The old woman smile and said,
"That's how hard to become a human. That's how valuable the human life is!"

Dress Shopping

There are certain places at certain times where have been classified by me as high risk areas to run into certain ppl and I should by all means avoid it if I could - like tonight.

Phew~ Fortunately, I was lucky and didn't run into certain ppl :P

She would be so proud of me if she had seen me tonight! I was such a pro in ball dress shopping (even I was the only girl who doesn't own any dresses among us all)! I helped girls finding suitable dress style, gave random suggestion to a random girl at the changing room, and advised on what colour/style of earrings are the best for them. Me, myself was also busy trying all sort of different dresses, odd tops (by my standard) and skirts bravely. However, after hours "tramping" in the mall, I was still the one and the only girls left empty headed, but full wallet :P

The quote of the night

"Hey man, I am so tired!!! That's why I just wanted to sit down."

"Is that why you went to the toilet for so long?!"

Confidence Touchstone

They are my confidence touchstone.

They help/train me to be sensitive to what's belittling me, so that I can work on my confidence level and beat my weaknesses instantly. It works very well to assist me in finding myself in the last 9months. Every time, when I feel embarrassed with others seeing them, I know I am not comfortable with the crowd around me or the situation I am in. That means I care too much about how others judge me and I am not confident enough to be who I am!

Now, I am however surrendering them to WORK!

Should I feel disappointed at myself being assimilated or should I be glad that I no longer need to feel self-conscious because I am "normal" now?

I think it all goes down to what's important to me. If I can still pretend to have invisible confident touchstone and continue being tuned in to my intuition without physically keeping them, then it could be a win-win situation :)

The End and the Beginning

I was very anxiety and didn't sleep all that well last night as today was the last session of my training. I was nervous of giving/receiving feedback to/from others as after all, sadly, I am such a people pleaser! It took me 5hours to get everyone's feedback ready. Most of my anxiety actually came from seeing everyone for the last time as a group. It was like I was having a intimate relationship and I have been seeing someone every Saturday. Now it has come to the end and there is this emptiness in my life and I have to find a way to fill up my Saturday from now on.

I have learned so much not only the counselling skills, but also most of all, myself. I really appreciate them providing such a safe environment for me to explore my Jo-Hari Garden together with others. It has been a privilege to share my brave journey with those 16 beautiful souls during those precious eight Saturdays. The depth of intimacy we feel towards the other has been amazing, considering how little time we actually spent with each other.

I was the last person to do the close up because naively I thought if I had never spoken, the day would have never ended. There were tears in my eyes by the time I finished. I am going to miss everyone but at the same time, I am looking forwards to starting the transition, where I'll continue growing with some of you. Thank you guys, for being there and giving me so much generous support in your feedback. I'll work on my strength and learning edges. Best wishes!

Strengths:

• Great empathy & sensitivity towards clients
• Compassionate, caring and warm
• Open in the face of struggles which helps others and herself to be strong
• Friendly, hardworking and intelligent

Learning Edges:

• Relaxation and staying calm
• Asking for help
• A little hard on herself
• Like to take control