Fishbowl

I had a great day at training despite the lack of sleep from watching the World Cup.

During the trial exercise today, I was able to deal the difficult call outstandingly. To be honest, I thought I would have done horribly as the first 3 ppl were struggling to handle it and they have been the most excellent ppl in the class in the last couple of sessions. Amazingly, when it was my turn, I suddenly became calm, fully grounded and centred, and the right words were just coming out of me themselves magically.

It was such a remarkable experience to be able to sense the energy balls firing towards me and my energy shield kept me safe to have a tranquil mind to deal with the challenging ppl and situations.

What a Game!! What a Game!!

Germany v.s. Argentina

I went to bed at 9pm and then woke up at 2am to support my Germany team!

Nothing really happened in the first half, except we were running around the CBD looking for a bar where wasn't full, so we could get in and watch the game. We condescended ourselves to settle at a Turkish cafe first, but the atmosphere was so crap. 10 mins into the game, I finally had the courage, so I nudged her and asked quietly,

"Hey, the white ones are German, right?"

That showed how much I knew about the team I devoted! Embarrassingly, I was actually supporting the wrong team at the beginning (Who would expect that the German players were the white ones with their goalkeeper wearing light blue? Navy blue for Argentines?? Go figure!!)

We moved into another bar during half time where my first instinct while I walked in was: I am soooo in the wrong bar!! The house were full of Argentines supporters with flags, hats and passionate chanting. Then, suddenly someone from the back shut out, "Go Germany!!"

"Right, that's where I am going to be!" I slowly moved myself to that direction :P

I can't remember when was the last time I was so anxious and thrilling. My stomach was all cramping up after Argentines scored the goal. The whole time I was like,
"Oh...no! No...no... no!..........arrh....PHEW~~"
"Come on! Come on!.....arrh....oh~~"

When Germany equalised in the last 10 mins, the tension was so intensely unbearable that I found it difficult to watch and breath at the same time.

"Deutschland! *clap**clap**clap*"
"Deutschland! *clap**clap**clap*"
"Deutschland! *clap**clap**clap*"

The extra time was as tense as the 2nd half, if not more. The atmosphere was crazy and everyone was so concentrating and nervous. I was praying for Germany to hold on until penalties, coz I had great faith on their brilliant goalkeeper! And they did!!! Yeah!!!

"Lehmann! Lehmann! Lehmann!" I cheered loudly with the rest of enthusiastic partisan Germany supporters! (I am still losing my voice~)

S.I.L.A.N.C.E.~~then SAVED!!!!

"YEEEEES! YEEEEES!" I went wild with the whole crowd!

The tension continued. Everyone was on their feet in gripped suspense...until...
The moment Lehmann touched the ball, the place went hysteria!!! "YES! YES!"

The collective sense of relief and joy was so overwhelming!! I now understand why there was a baby booms in South Korea after the last World Cup. I was jumping in a frenzy of joy and hugging random Germans around me!!!!Phew~ Phew~ What a game!! What a game!!

After the usual txting and international cellphone calling with the Germans in Germany, I went home to sleep briefly at 6:30am before my full day training. I was so glad that I risked my life (still recovering from my Asthma attack) to see this unforgettable footballing spectacle!. It was all worth sacrificing my health and sleep in the end!!

"Wellington, I hate you!"

That first line of the play got a big laugh as the actor came in with a broken umbrella. That moment onwards, I knew he would appreciate the play as he had just come back from Wellington 2 days ago. It gave him a great taste of kiwi humour and both of us enjoyed it with painful stomachs from unstopping laughing!

However, when he called me 淑涵 (my Chinese name Shu-Han) so nicely, I found it highly disturbing. I guess I have never grown out of it. As kids, we weren't used to call each other by our first and second names together. Instead, there were always plenty alternative nicknames that we could use. Some were even cute and intimate, but being called or calling someone by first and second names is a totally different matter.

For me, it means intimacy in a soul level.

I only got used to this kind of name calling custom between girls just before I left for New Zealand, but with guys, I have never got chance to grow out of it. In the last 10 years, I have created another me, which has always been referred as Anita. I guess for me, the name "Anita" will always be like a car registration number, which is just a convention/label, and will never become as profound as Shu-Han to me.

There are less and less ppl calling me Shu-Han now and sadly I think I'll never grow out of being feeling disturbing and feel intimate with guys calling my soul name.

Loyalty Card

I reckon the following shops should consider to give me loyalty cards,

Borders Cafe: I have spent 8 hours in the last 20 hours there having coffees with friends.

GPK: I have had dinners there three times for special occasions in the last 4 weeks!

He was right about...

...the best way to get over a relationship is having another one; even that thought only last for 2 days fortunately or unfortunately. Damn me; always being so rational!

However, seeing him again taught me two things:

1. There are two kinds of 'fishes'. Ones that I collect them because I just want to have some fun and hope that some chemistry may develop later. In other words, I don't really care them enough. Then, there are ones that I care so much that I want to make sure they aren't the rebound.
2. I am not ready for another relationship any time soon (Single life is too good to give up at the moment :P). But I really want to be, if not for him, but someone I really care.

I avoided talking to him because...

• I barely know him
• I rather like him
• He has a disturbing name

Sometimes you walk by the good ones
'Cos you're trying too hard, too hard to see them
And sometimes you don't find the right lines
'Cos you're trying too hard, too hard to hear them
But you know what it feels like
'Cos you're like me
And you won't give up

'Till an all time love
'Cos nothing else is good enough
I want an all time love to find me

- Will Young, All Time Love

If ONLY I had known...

... then I wouldn't have browsed websites so much at work!! *sniff* *sniff*

Oh, yes!! I found out that apparently our section manager gets a monthly report on what websites and for how long each employee spending on browsing!

He would have found out my favourite website by now - World Cup 2006!

Go Germany!!! Go Go Go!!

I have to confess that initially I supported Czech (Well, they were the closest thing to Slovakia) until the Germen put a spell on me :P. Seriously, how could I have not been converted, while he diligently kept calling/txting me of the first hand news on the World Cup live from Germany!! And yes I am so easy persuaded. After all, I am such a female :P

Connections

I have been struggling to find connections within the group in the last few weeks. There were a couple of people whom I found myself drawn to, but when I tried to initiate some further relationships with them, I was bounced outside. It frustrated me to see they have established a much stronger connections with others. I felt left out and lonely.

Funny thing happened since last week, after I gave up finding connections with people. I had five connections and three of them are strong. One shows a great care/support when I opened up my weakness, one stood with me in the cold rain to listen what I had to say and the other the vibe/trust we have for each other are mutual. I can't wait to spend more time with all of them, especially with the last one :)

I also appreciate those two who took the initiative to establish the connections with me. One took the interest in what I am going through and the other told me we share a lot in common and initiated the idea to work together in our spare time. I feel honoured and look forward to finding out how our relationship progresses in the next few weeks :)

Self care in grief/loss

I have been trying to fast forward my grieving process, but I realised that I can't just short circuit it. I have recognise the need to be gentle to myself and allow the healing to slowly take place in its own time.

My group came up with some useful self care in grief/loss during our brainstorming session and I would like to share them here to anyone who is dealing with grief/loss, eg. family members (parents, children, relatives etc), love, friends, wealth, health, body parts, personality/ability (confidence, motivation, innocence, identity, courage, trust, faith, freedom, hope etc.)

• Experience/Express what you are feeling in the early days alone or with others; get angry, have a cry etc. ; immediately is best, allowing it, not suppressing.
• Be around family/friends that care and talk about your loss - say the name.
• Allow people to give you support. No-one else knows exactly how you feel, but many people have lost, and have support to give.
• Read self-help books.
• Don't expect yourself to "get over it" too quickly. The grieving process takes time.
• Just be and stay with emotions long enough to let them shift.
• It is normal for people in grief to experience physical symptoms of distress - headaches, nausea, various pains and aches, insomnia, etc.
• Avoid making major decisions while you are grieving. If it is absolutely unavoidable, seek the wisdom of a trusted friend to help you.
• Write key messages/inspirations down and leaving them in obvious places.
• Don't hide reminders of your loss - photos, favourite records, etc. The pain they cause can help you express your emotions and thus bring some relief.
• Blog to the whole world.
• Pamper yourself: hot baths, massage, retail therapy, indulgences etc.
• Be kind to yourself, and remind yourself not to be harsh or beat self up
• Ask for hugs/affection.
• Make a conscious choice not to think about the problem for a while, such as take a grief holiday, get away from normal environment etc.
• Do not cut yourself off from your usual activities for too long. This will only add to your loss.
• If there are children involved, encourage them to share in expression of grief.
• Honour your emotions: its okay to feel that way.
• Meditate on inner peace/calmness – pray for self and others.
• Visualise the person surrounded in love, or visualise a happy time with them.
• Recognise that grief may come flooding back - anniversaries, unexpected memory jolts.

Black out

"It would really suck to be the one gets stuck in the lift right now!" I said, after he pointed out the possibility each building having at least one person stuck in a lift during the power cut. We laughed off and I went to my desk to drop my bag and then received a phone call.

"Hey D, where are you?" I asked.
"I am one of those poor guys that you were talking about getting stuck in the lift!"
"No way!"
"Yes, I can hear every single word you and the others have just said!"

Poor girl got stuck in the lift all by herself and she was so close to reach our floor!! I went out to the lifts and kept her company for a while until the nice me got possessed by the mischievousness...

"Hey D! J wants me to tell you that the fireman is coming in 5 hours!"

"Hey D! Hanging there!! You have to be there for more than 2 weeks! We have to beat Australians on this!"

"Hey D! Are you taking the stairs tomorrow? Oh wait, if you are still stuck in there, I guess you aren't taking the stairs tomorrow!"

I couldn't see her, but I am sure she really appreciated my company and humour :P

First Flower of this Winter

I had been excited and anticipated for weeks for its blooming and it finally did - a faultless beautiful white lily.

However, the flower was killing the plant itself, so we had to cut the most proud part of the plant down. It's like teenager pregnancy, I suppose. (Okay, it's time to laugh if you want to! I haven't seen anyone who can keep their face straight after I said that.) My young lily wasn't ready to have the flower, so we had to give it away to save the mother plant. Now, the lily flower it's sitting on my desk reminding me - Sometimes, you have to let go to survive.

sometimes you win,

sometimes you lose

sometimes you stay,

and the other times you move

sometimes it rains, but the sun

comes out tomorrow

sometimes happiness

sometimes sorrow

- Vanessa Amorosi, Sometimes Happiness

My Worries and My Determination

• It'll make me a bad person
• I'll end up like her and her
• I'll be hypocritical

I have carried too much "should" in my life and it's time to let some of them go.

Cancer

I am exhausted; however, it's exactly what I was aiming for - to be numb and not to feel a thing!

But, when he diagnosed my cancer cells are toxic, I suddenly felt thrilled and woke up from my dead mode to the reality instantly. I am feeling a bit apprehensive and anxious about cutting my cancer cells out of my body, even I know it's the best for me. However, these days I no longer know what's right, what's wrong or what I really want. Everything seems so confusing and trivial and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I have to do something/make decisions and there is no mistake allowed, because I am too fragile to afford another hurting. It has been like walking on thin ice blindfolded (with some real friends beside me keeping me safe and I thank you). All I know is I have to keep on going, and I have to be meticulously careful with where I put my next step.

It has been a frustrating period of my life. I am sick and tired of myself feeling the same way for so long and leaning on my friends so much to show me the right way. If I don't take the ownership of my problem, soon all my friends will stop pitying me and leave. It's easier said than done, but it's my fight, not anyone else and it's not fair for my friends to deal it for me.

It's time for me to take matters into my own hands. Even I have no clue where I am going from here.

Yeah? So? I am...

I thought being single was the coolest!

You could do a lot of crazy things and say heaps of blunt statements without feeling guilty or worried about what other people may think of you. There have been a lot of experimental attempts with massive satisfaction ;) If anyone had questioned me, I could have had just replied,

"Yeah? So what? I'm single!! Of course, I'm in title to do/say things like that!" I could have had just shrugged and people would have had accepted it. It's like the new "Black Jokes"!!

However, tonight someone has just burst my bubble :( I found out that "I am single!" is not nearly as cool as "I am an art student!" It's true!! You can pull anything off. Everyone would expect the most quirky things to be absolutely normal if it comes from an art student! How could I possibly compete with "I made slippers out of cardboard and wear them" or "I picked up a pie delivery tray and am going to carry it across half of the city." I wish I could be an art student,too. *sniff* *sniff*

Oh wait, I just have an brilliant idea! I am going to make "I AM Anita!!" cooler than "I am an art student!" (Yeah... right! Somehow I don't see that happening...but that could definitely make it into my random-do list!)

The Winter Blue

I was planning to go to Mt. Taranaki during the long weekend, but we had some transportation problem, which not even a rocket transportation modeller can fix it! However, I wasn't so disappointed at this outcome, because it meant I finally could have my dream lazy-easy-doing-nothing weekend for the first time in the last few months. My tramping weekend was quickly turning into movie marathon, sleep and baking!!

The weather forecasting lied to us (and you surprise?!). It wasn't as shitty or disgusting as they said it was going to be. Thus, I went for a drive to enjoy the rare winter sunshine. However, it didn't take long: The cold chilling depressing winter monster caught up with me and froze me to death.

It's June...

...and I am terrified at the unknown.

A Private Room in the AV Library

I just thought this headline is sensational! My first attempt to be a tabloid writer :)

The real story was rather insignificant to be named, so I shall leave it to your imagination :P Go wild, my friends who really know how to bring out the worst of me :P

My Symbols of Power and Love

I came a long way. Over field and forest, over lake and mountain, finally I reached the destination - the cottage with a person waiting inside for me. He was about to hang me the symbols of Power and Love.

First, it was the Power - a delicate little golden key. Then I was left there alone feeling apprehensive/awkward without seeing my Love symbol. Just before I realised what was going on, it hit me hard and unexpectedly - the overwhelming sadness and the searing pain were all enveloping me. I felt breathless with a nearly black red emptiness depressed my chest (For some reason, I can FEEL the colour). It's not quite a visual symbol I was receiving, but a FEELING. It was too much and I nearly cried.

I woke up from my visualisation feeling terrified and puzzled. It was supposed to be a joyful journey to embrace Power and Love. Why was I the only one having such negative feeling? And most of all, What does it mean? Is it the solution of my sorrow?

Then, the message came through...
"I was given a key to love, although it was too heavy and too much for me to carry!"

Still... What does it mean?? I am bugged with the version/feeling I had, but all I can do right now is be with the feeling and hope one day the mystery will reveal itself - albeit maybe it will never.

Pub Hopping

I first met up with two friends and start exchanging all the gossips (*cough* *cough* I meant catching up! They are real hard men, of course, they don't do gossip! My bad!) over dinner and then one of them kindly offered me a ride to Ponsonby. However, I thought it's just me forgetting where I parked my car, but no. He couldn't find his car and I was bursting! After all the dramas and playing find-a-space-to-sit-in-a-mess-car game, I finally got to my first bar for the Pub Quiz (or the American would like to call it the Trivia night).

We couldn't deny it, but yes we really sucked. Whatever! (which incidentally was our team's name) I have never been good at this game, so it didn't really surprise me that I wasn't so much helpful! But it didn't spoil my mood like it normally would in the past. It's because that I now accept myself who is just not good at certain things and it's okay to be imperfect :P We left halfway through and aimed for the next bar - Poetry reading.

It was quite a new experience for me and I didn't know what to expect. The whole room was packed. We walked across the room and sat on the floor spontaneously. I didn't like most of the poems. However, there was this lady who had such a gift describing things with rhythm and wit. She had two poems and I loved both of them. We joined halfway through and left halfway through, because he was starting getting bored. Time for the next bar.

I promised to take them to my little green bar in Ponsonby. However, I didn't realise how far away it really was. Although we walked the entire street (Good exercise, I claimed!), we did find it and they did love it!! It was as cosy as my last time here and we chatted until as late as my last bus home.

Alcohol consumption: zero :)

"Hey, you look older!" A family friend said to me excitingly.

"Thank you!" I replied.

See there are so many ways you can confuse people by saying a little thank you even she really messed mine up first.

Disclosure the real me

It was such a privilege to be there and felt safe at the same time to share everyone stories. Some have hided them so well and some didn't know what kind of guilt or/and hatred they were bearing and how these have consumed their lives. Everyone was so brave to experience self disclosure and explored their Jo-Hari Window, including me.

I was so proud of myself because I shared something which used to be my darkest/shameful/heavy/disgusting memory in my whole life. I was quite dubious whether or not I was ready to talk about it. However, I didn't feel any sorrow, shame or pain after I shared it. Of course, I also identified another issue waiting for me to deal with next, but I am not afraid of it anymore because I know one day I'll make it okay just like my previous one!

We all are afraid of sharing who we really are because we fear for being vulnerable and being judged or hurt by others. It seems to be so dangerous to disclose some of our personalities truly. However, what I realised today is that things are only big because we think they are big. Once you face it and are able to speak it out loud, it's really nothing. Everyone is the same; we all carry our own burdens and it's us making a big deal out it. The consequences aren't nearly as bad as we imaged it would have been. Sometimes, reality is actually easier to deal with.