Thank you, my Friends!

I have received so much support since yesterday and I appreciate everything you guys have done when I needed you the most. Those text messages, those phone calls and those nice open offers make me feel really loved and touched. Some of you didn't even know what's going on with me, but thank you for simply taking your time, holding my hand and giving me hugs. And thank you those for checking on me today to make sure I am coping alright. I really appreciate all your TLC (tender loving care) when I was feeling most vulnerable and helpless.

I am still scared, but I know I'll be alright with you all looking out for me.

Anxiety Attack

I am scared and terrified!

The thought of taking them to see her finally kicked in last night and my stomach has cramped since last night. It's like someone is terrified the 'height'. It's easier to block the fear or look away in a day-to-day life. But now I have made the commitment to 'bungy jumping'

I am scared that I won't be strong enough to take her through the process. I wasn't able to protect her back then, and I am scared that I won't be able to protect her once again. I am apprehensive about how I am going to hold her and how she is going to feel when she faces her darkest demon. I promised to look after her, but I am scared I'll let her down once again...

I was freaking out the fact that I freaked out this morning. I hid in my bed and didn't know what to do. Outside seemed so bright and scary, and I wasn't brave enough to face it. I was helpless, but I sent out some S.O.S which later brought me hope and comfort.

I ended up going back to work (Yay! Work! I knew it would be useful one day) in the afternoon because being alone hadn't done me any good except being more helpless.

I am scared of being alone right now... There are hands I want to hold, but I am afraid he is going to let me fall...

Arrhhh

I really can't stand his ambition/keenness/competitiveness! Maybe it's an age thing, but I really wish he can get the hint that I want nothing to do with him. Just leave me alone, will you? Thanks god that he is leaving!

Then, I caught up with her for the evening and watch her documentary. Great story and great soul, hers is! I know that I have been a supportive friend while she was going through the frustration of filming, losing her father and other strugglings in her life. However, tonight I just felt rather overwhelmed by her neediness.

Then, I went where so called home, where I have a housemate who invade my space and my beam bag...

MEREDITH: At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need. (Grey's Anatomy, 2007)

Newton Third Law

To lift up someone from depression, I sunk.
The thought of no longer useful, I guess

To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

- Sir Isaac Newton

Means a lot...

She was the 2nd person in the last 18 hours to tell me my text messages mean a lot to her.

I must have done something right these days... :)

Comedy Festival 2007

It was still funny but it wasn't as hilarious as last year. Maybe I wasn't drunk enough or I was too drunk for this year's Big Show.

I probably shouldn't have the feijoa vodka with apple juice right after the tequila shot, but at least it relaxed me and I cared nothing about ppl around me for hours. Thanks to his warm jacket when I was going through hypothermia (Alcohol dilates blood vessels in the skin, which makes the body temporarily feel warm but actually causes greater heat loss.)

"Hey...I am sleeping with you...r arm. *giggling*...." :x

MEREDITH: [on morphine] Oh, can I just say how much it helps that I am on drugs right now? (Grey's Anatomy, 2007)

DENNY: Mistakes are painful but they are the only way to find out who you are. (Grey's Anatomy, 2007)

Sorry! Challenge!

I was ONE STEP away (literally) from two and a half weeks to

1. Be the first juror got selected;
2. Sleep in one extra hour;
3. Away from work;
4. Probably end up working during weekend;
5. See all evidences and have the trail experience; and
   
6. See this cute court officer…he is such an eye candy!! :$
   

But I was challenged…..:(

Sure. I am not taking it personally, as the defendant lawyer was only practising his right! (Yeah, Right!) But..but dear Sir, couldn't you make up your mind a bit faster?! I was already apprehensive about whether or not I really wanted to sit on that seat because once I sat down there was no turning back! Well, at least he said he was sorry and I got to take my surveyor back with me. He got challenged, too.

Druggie

I must look like a druggie this week. Well, at least I feel like one!

• Bruised lower arms which look like collapsed veins from repeated intravenous injections
• Sunken eyes with dark circles :o
  
• Muscle and bone pain
• Tremor
• Insomnia
• Inability to relax
• Loss of appetite
• Forgetfulness
• Space out
• Fatigue
• Breathlessness
• Alternately wakeful and drowsy states
• Euphoria
• Restlessness

This project has been keeping me on my toes for a week. I remember that I was feeling it was Friday while it was only Tuesday this week. :( The boss and I both have high expectation on myself and I really want to do an excellent job on this one. However, with colleagues out of office this week, I have to not only hand on my own project, but also support other senior colleagues for their projects!! Of course, it has its benefit such as my fishing territory extends to not only the truck drivers but also surveyors :p Incidentally, one of them is going to high court with me for the jury service next week!

I am just so glad :D that I can switch off my phone tonight for a worriless and peaceful sleep finally!! Funny eh? Such a simple thing can make so much difference in my quality of sleep.

Please, please give me a hug or two because this druggy life is more likely to continue... :(

"The hunt for my four wives is still on. Anita has been crowned No 2 ..hahahah there is a huge waiting list and you know how that is" He said.
"No. 2?????? Haha..... So who is No. 1?" She asked.
"Don't be sad Anita. No 2 is better than nothing at all." He interrupted

"Just let me know who to kill..." - Humm...that's me :p

I am surprised that I am okay with it... :)

Falling Apart

I am feeling that everything around me has fallen apart recently - TV, Rat, Car, arrangement, house, my health and today...even Washing Machine gave up on me! :(

*Shaking Head* This house needs a handy man! Actually a man would be a good start! ;)

舊的不去，新的不來囉！！ ;) ( In order to get new ones, the old ones have to be gone!!)

Cocktail Party

There are people in this world who could not simply be alone and be single. I learned not to judge, but simply wish that as long as she is happy.

Wooden Spoons

In order to honor the wooden spoons they gave me, I had to buy her this T-shirt before she goes to Australia with him. Wooden Spoons? :o Yes, three of them! I was awarded them for being utterly STIRRING! :p

The T-shirt said,
" I support Two Teams, New Zealand and anyone playing Australia"

I was going to get her the other one, except it only comes with children size,

"When I grow up my Dad says I can do what I want ... except play for Australia"

I was tempting to cross out the "Play" and write "Marry". TOO STIRRING? Nah! I have to make the best of my wooden spoons and live up to my reputation!

The Power of Anger

I underestimated the power of anger.

I didn't realise how much my happiness was relied on it until I stop being angry. It's scary to feel that the emptiness is slowly eating my heart out while I am losing the motivation to make myself happy.

It's harder than I thought and it's longer than I expected. But I know that without the anger, my healing is finally starting. I am feeling better already after knowing where my depression comes from :)

More Kids

Yes, I have been busy! Besides my 3 kids from my last "relationship", I now have another 14 kids with my new partner.

He and I went to see our kids for the first time. I just love them!! They are so bright and so enthusiastic!! My job is easy - as long as I can pretend I know what I am doing, while I have no idea how to - that's my partner's job, right? ;) (or maybe he is just pretending it as well as I am :p). In the next two terms, we are going to help them solve their school traffic problem and this project will be entering for Transpower Neighbourhood Engineers Awards this year. This project is organised through Futurintech

I am so proud of our kids!! They are so small and ....cute (fine! I said it) :$

想哭～

所以哭了～

I went dancing again for the same reason as last year - physical contact and warmth; loneliness and emptiness, I guess.

I know why I wanted to do it, but I don't know why I did it.
I know why I did it, but I don't know why I wanted to do it.
Confused? Me too.

想哭就到我懷裡哭
作詞：何啟弘　作曲：庾澄慶　編曲：屠穎　原唱：庾澄慶

一個人逃避寂寞　兩個人渴望自由
到底該不該奔向你　懷裡的溫柔
還是就讓你失望的走

我沒有太多承諾　能讓你一夜好夢
擔心從今後你心痛　會不知所措
太多的惶恐　又讓我們無法承受

想哭就到我懷裡哭
喔　就像一切都不會結束
那彼此感覺 不那麼孤獨
想哭就到我懷裡哭
喔　別把未來想的太清楚
那只會讓我越來越無助

P.S. I apologise for those who can't read Chinese. It's just that sometimes, those deep emotions can only be expressed and recorded in my first language.

Spirituality

After a few interesting discussions with friends, for the first time, I start getting to know what is my belief in spirituality. It's actually quite exciting...

I feel that there is an ultimate truth in the universal. However, the essence of it is unspeakable. This ultimate truth is infinite and any attempts to cover it all is only finite; therefore, none of languages, explanations or religions is able to describe it fully and precisely. All the exciting theory or religions (such as reincarnation, going to heaven/hell, ghost, atheism and etc.) are all right, but at the same time not right because you can't finite the infinity.

I see souls as some kind of energy. Everything in this universe is connected as whole. Each soul/energy is interconnect with each other, which creates a sort of natural law/flow as whole. Each individual soul is contributed to this natural law, so it can change the natural flow. However, this natural law also has the influence to every single energy. It's like a circular/infinite loop. All in one and one in all.

"The question and answer of "what is the meaning of life?" does not exist until you ask." He said.

Chatty Day

First, there was the intimate coffee ON K'd Rd, following by talking to clients OFF K'd Rd and a cosy catch up BEHIND ShowGirls until 4am! :p

Wow...I didn't know I can talk so much for so long!!!!

I was surprised at how many drunk ppl got carried around at that time of the night. Too young (<-- them), too old (<-- us) :(

"Gee... :o did you see that? I don't think it's covering much eh? Once she starts dancing, somethings are going to jump out! :x" *shaking head*

鬱‧悶‧

心頭糾結得難過！雖知緣由，卻不知如何釋懷放下。一些老掉牙過時的句字，卻在心中 揮之不去。也不知是自己另有一番新體會，還是中文程度是每下愈況，只有這 些沒氣質，沒新意的詩詞能勉強湊著用。反正無傷大雅囉～乘機試探我的訪客中有多少看得懂（我的）中文、或是關心的外國人會努力中翻英！！不過透過那些翻 譯網站，河馬先生你是有看沒懂吧！

“問世間情為何物，直叫人生死相許”
“不在乎天長地久，只在乎曾經擁有“
“情字這條路～唉～“

情字這條路
作詞：慎芝　作曲：鄭華娟　編曲：郭小霖　原唱：潘越雲

那會那會同款　情字這條路
給你走著輕鬆　我走著艱苦
那會那會同款　情字這條路
你隴滿面春風　我隴在淋雨
不願承認心內思慕　暝暝等著你的腳步
不願承認阮的愛你是錯誤　不願後悔何必當初

那會那會走來　情字這條路
默默跟你來此　望你倘照顧
那會那會走來　情字這條路
回過頭才知影　歹走的路途
不願承認未倘幸福　暝暝唸著愛的歌譜
不願承認前途茫茫看無路　不願提起消息隴無

Hair Straightening

I went straightening my hair again.

How was I this time after a year? Sadly, I pretty much feel the same as last year except I dressed UP to IMPRESS last time and this time dressed DOWN to be CASUAL after the hair straightening. :(

"They could laugh but make sure those flies keep their hand off you or I'll kick their ass!"
- I was practising my assertiveness, but I am sure that I tuned my real feeling down as much as I could!"

There are days that you just miss someone so much that all you want to do is be able to touch the person.

Today is one of those days.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real! Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

- Words of Wisdom, Author Unknown