I am not strong

People said that I am strong. Well, I guess so if you consider "tough up" and "stubborn" are the true meanings of being strong. It surprised me that there is this slightness of me not gonna be okay when he is gone. I fooled others, but I have never expected that I would have fooled myself too.

I am not as strong as it seems to be. I have never been. Especially, not in the circle of your arms. Do you judge me? Do you look down on me now? Do you find me less attractive now?

Mirror Situation

I took him to the discussion group tonight and I was glad that he enjoyed it. Tonight's topic was telepathy and no there was definitely no telepathy between us. Actually we couldn't even communicate properly through text messages. I thought he was interested in coming along with me but apparently he was only commenting on the topic which seemed interesting and expected to see me afterwards. Thus, when I showed up at his doorstep at 6pm rather than 10:30pm, he was surprised as he was eating dinner...Oh well!

After the discussion, we went for a midnight bubble tea until 2:30 am and talked about our mirror situation. We both want something more than just "good friends" in our relationships/arrangements. However, it's not the right time, right place or/and with the right person (?). The happiness of limbo doesn't last, so it's either take 2 steps forwards or 2 steps back. Unfortunately, we both got the STOP signs from moving forwards. Relationships suck!

I explored my neediness furthur today and concluded that,

My Neediness: I want someone to want me

Phew~This could be quite dangerous with the status of my mind. Now, I am aware of it, but I am not so sure what to do with it without making more mistakes :(

Dignity

I would do anything anything for you! But if my doing becomes more than a burdan or cause any slightness of annoyance, I would rather disapear from your life completely. The thought of you finding me needy will distroy me. Let me at least have my least dignity to get out of your life. The last thing I want is taking away your happiness.

DENNY: Sometimes we’d be at the same place at exactly the same time and I can almost hear her voice. It’s like I’m touching her. I like to believe she knows I’m there. That’s all you get. That’s it. Moments with the people you love. And they’ll move on and you’ll want them to move on. But still, Meredith, that’s all you get. Moments. (Grey's Anatomy, 2007)

Winter is here...

Here we go, June is here again...

MEREDITH: Like I said, disappearances happen. Pains go phantom. Blood stops running and people, people fade away. There's more I have to say, so much more, but... I disappeared.

ELLIS: Meredith... you are anything but ordinary. (Grey's Anatomy, 2007)

STILL... No Magic Spell

:(

We ranked my interpersonnal and intrapersonal dynamics so we can revisit it after 6 sessions to check my progress....What?! 6 sessions! Sign~ There is really no magic wand... :(

Thank you for coming and having hot chocolate with me tonight.

IZZIE: People die in front of us everyday. But I believe Meredith will survive this. I believe, I believe, I... I believe in the good. I believe that it's been a hell of a year and I believe that, in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, that we will be okay. I believe a lot of things. I believe that even though you made this mistake you will be okay. I believe we survive, George. I believe that believing we survive... is what makes us survive. (Grey's Anatomy, 2007)

I don't know who you are and I am sure that you do care about me, but I am pretty pissed off at you giving my blog to him!

Pirate 3

Again, I crawled out of my bed to see Pirate of Caribbean 3 at the biggest screen in the world! The seats were so comfy and there was so much space to stretch my legs!!! (Well, not that I have long legs :p) After the movie, we sat down and I kept asking questions about the movie until he basically retold the whole three films.

"Did you actually watch the film? or you were just too busy looking at Johnny Deep and drooled." He said finally.

"Maybe?! :$ But...but Captain Jack Sparrow is so cool and so attractive! I just can't help it!" :p

I also realised today that I need male touch these days to feel secure. It's not the physical touch I am after, but being around guys makes me feel less scared. I feel sorry for my guy friends because I just keep taking advantages of them. I hope they don't mind hanging out with me...

Poker and Flat Warming

I crawled out of my bed and almost made it on time (only one hour late :p)! I didn't win the poker game, but it's okay as there was no $money$ involved. Phew~ (I was the one insisting on playing with real money, but the idea was soon got rejected by others.) We also played a lot of other card games, such as 500, all hell and gin. They were so impressed with my skillful play. Of course! What else would you expect?! Playing cards was part of my Engineering degree! (Majoring in Bioengineering with Playing Cards as minor! ;)) Poor guys, they had no idea what they were up against to and I had no mercy. Showing off? Yep :p We also play some pool and I can't believe that I was the best player and we almost won until we missed the black ball :(

The "Prison Break" flat warming was really cool! They put a lot of effort to decorate the place and dressing up. We claimed we did dress up too. After all, after you break out the prison, you just want to dress up like civilians to be able to blend in, right? :p

Spiderman

I didn't know how to deal with this nagging, needy, and clingy little girl as I had very little idea what she wants, but I was glad that he did.

I haven't known him for long, but he has been always there for me. Tonight, I didn't want to be alone again, so I took his offer to hang out after work. He was a bit down himself, so we went to play some video shooting game first to get our frustration out. Then we went to see Spiderman 3 - an no brain film, which was exactly what I needed! He then suggested to go somewhere for a drink and I was happy to follow anything. I only realised that I have been to this his so-called fishbowl place before, when we got there. This Taiwanese cafe has been renovated and it's much nicer than 8 years ago! We chatted until 3am and then he dropped me home.

I really enjoy his company tonight and it gives me some clue on what the little girl needs...

• Going out, so she won't be alone to feel sorry for herself
• With friends who can keep suggesting stuff to do
• With friends who can keep talking
• (Basically, she don't have to use any brain power, but have fun :p)
  
• Hugs, text messages, emails...

Nagging, Needy and Clingy

Ever since my First Step, I have been very emotional and needy, which I really dislike! I prefer to be an independent woman rather than this nagging, needy and clingy little girl. I can't control how I feel, but being selective to let few friends know about it. I was feeling so insecure that I couldn't hold myself being alone after the first session, so I asked to sleep over at few friends' place. I was amazed at some of my friends who were willing to put up with this unreasonable demand!

Thank you, dear!

First Step

It went okay tonight apart from being emotional and needy afterwards. It was a getting to know each other session, but I poured my heart out, not because I had bottled up, but I wanted her to know everything, in hopes that she could put a magical spell on me and I would be cured in an hour! Unfortunately, it didn't happen :( I have no idea how long it is going to take to achieve my seeming unrealistic goals but I really have no patient for this emotional torture and wish there is a quick-fix somehow.

Thank you guys for those text messages before and afterwards. The advice of having a chocolate bar was great :) Oh! Special thank to him for picking me up and taking me for ice cream.

Communication

We did well today, or at least I think I did pretty well except I forgot my barely touched lunch on the stairs. It's an accomplishment for me to decrease the lag between my emotions and my ability to express them to people I am close to. My mind was overwhelmed by my anger, disappointment and frustration, but my brain did eventually catch up and express them comprehensively today. It may be too late for us now, but I am doing my best to catch up and upskill.

Yes, I did go back to see whether or not my lunch/dinner was still where I left it on the way to the movie. No, it wasn't there anymore :( Yes, I probably would have eaten it if it was there :p Yes, I am obsessed with things belong to me ;)

Peter Lyman: What's wrong? Are you crying?
Sondra Pransky: No, I'm too tough to cry. My nasal passages do get congested when I'm sad, though. (Scoop, 2007)

Thank you, my Friends!

I have received so much support since yesterday and I appreciate everything you guys have done when I needed you the most. Those text messages, those phone calls and those nice open offers make me feel really loved and touched. Some of you didn't even know what's going on with me, but thank you for simply taking your time, holding my hand and giving me hugs. And thank you those for checking on me today to make sure I am coping alright. I really appreciate all your TLC (tender loving care) when I was feeling most vulnerable and helpless.

I am still scared, but I know I'll be alright with you all looking out for me.

Anxiety Attack

I am scared and terrified!

The thought of taking them to see her finally kicked in last night and my stomach has cramped since last night. It's like someone is terrified the 'height'. It's easier to block the fear or look away in a day-to-day life. But now I have made the commitment to 'bungy jumping'

I am scared that I won't be strong enough to take her through the process. I wasn't able to protect her back then, and I am scared that I won't be able to protect her once again. I am apprehensive about how I am going to hold her and how she is going to feel when she faces her darkest demon. I promised to look after her, but I am scared I'll let her down once again...

I was freaking out the fact that I freaked out this morning. I hid in my bed and didn't know what to do. Outside seemed so bright and scary, and I wasn't brave enough to face it. I was helpless, but I sent out some S.O.S which later brought me hope and comfort.

I ended up going back to work (Yay! Work! I knew it would be useful one day) in the afternoon because being alone hadn't done me any good except being more helpless.

I am scared of being alone right now... There are hands I want to hold, but I am afraid he is going to let me fall...

Arrhhh

I really can't stand his ambition/keenness/competitiveness! Maybe it's an age thing, but I really wish he can get the hint that I want nothing to do with him. Just leave me alone, will you? Thanks god that he is leaving!

Then, I caught up with her for the evening and watch her documentary. Great story and great soul, hers is! I know that I have been a supportive friend while she was going through the frustration of filming, losing her father and other strugglings in her life. However, tonight I just felt rather overwhelmed by her neediness.

Then, I went where so called home, where I have a housemate who invade my space and my beam bag...

MEREDITH: At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need. (Grey's Anatomy, 2007)

Newton Third Law

To lift up someone from depression, I sunk.
The thought of no longer useful, I guess

To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

- Sir Isaac Newton

Means a lot...

She was the 2nd person in the last 18 hours to tell me my text messages mean a lot to her.

I must have done something right these days... :)

Comedy Festival 2007

It was still funny but it wasn't as hilarious as last year. Maybe I wasn't drunk enough or I was too drunk for this year's Big Show.

I probably shouldn't have the feijoa vodka with apple juice right after the tequila shot, but at least it relaxed me and I cared nothing about ppl around me for hours. Thanks to his warm jacket when I was going through hypothermia (Alcohol dilates blood vessels in the skin, which makes the body temporarily feel warm but actually causes greater heat loss.)

"Hey...I am sleeping with you...r arm. *giggling*...." :x

MEREDITH: [on morphine] Oh, can I just say how much it helps that I am on drugs right now? (Grey's Anatomy, 2007)

DENNY: Mistakes are painful but they are the only way to find out who you are. (Grey's Anatomy, 2007)

Sorry! Challenge!

I was ONE STEP away (literally) from two and a half weeks to

1. Be the first juror got selected;
2. Sleep in one extra hour;
3. Away from work;
4. Probably end up working during weekend;
5. See all evidences and have the trail experience; and
   
6. See this cute court officer…he is such an eye candy!! :$
   

But I was challenged…..:(

Sure. I am not taking it personally, as the defendant lawyer was only practising his right! (Yeah, Right!) But..but dear Sir, couldn't you make up your mind a bit faster?! I was already apprehensive about whether or not I really wanted to sit on that seat because once I sat down there was no turning back! Well, at least he said he was sorry and I got to take my surveyor back with me. He got challenged, too.

Druggie

I must look like a druggie this week. Well, at least I feel like one!

• Bruised lower arms which look like collapsed veins from repeated intravenous injections
• Sunken eyes with dark circles :o
  
• Muscle and bone pain
• Tremor
• Insomnia
• Inability to relax
• Loss of appetite
• Forgetfulness
• Space out
• Fatigue
• Breathlessness
• Alternately wakeful and drowsy states
• Euphoria
• Restlessness

This project has been keeping me on my toes for a week. I remember that I was feeling it was Friday while it was only Tuesday this week. :( The boss and I both have high expectation on myself and I really want to do an excellent job on this one. However, with colleagues out of office this week, I have to not only hand on my own project, but also support other senior colleagues for their projects!! Of course, it has its benefit such as my fishing territory extends to not only the truck drivers but also surveyors :p Incidentally, one of them is going to high court with me for the jury service next week!

I am just so glad :D that I can switch off my phone tonight for a worriless and peaceful sleep finally!! Funny eh? Such a simple thing can make so much difference in my quality of sleep.

Please, please give me a hug or two because this druggy life is more likely to continue... :(

"The hunt for my four wives is still on. Anita has been crowned No 2 ..hahahah there is a huge waiting list and you know how that is" He said.
"No. 2?????? Haha..... So who is No. 1?" She asked.
"Don't be sad Anita. No 2 is better than nothing at all." He interrupted

"Just let me know who to kill..." - Humm...that's me :p