What I have learned...
Lesson 1: Different level of Depression
I realise today that there are different levels of depression. My latest one is so bad that I just hide alone and push everyone away. However, the more lonely I get, the more depressed I feel and the harder I shut ppl out. Self-punishment I guess.
Lesson 2: Pushing Friends Away
It seems that friends who know me the longest, the further I push them away. Maybe it's because
I realise today that there are different levels of depression. My latest one is so bad that I just hide alone and push everyone away. However, the more lonely I get, the more depressed I feel and the harder I shut ppl out. Self-punishment I guess.
Lesson 2: Pushing Friends Away
It seems that friends who know me the longest, the further I push them away. Maybe it's because
- They know me so well that they know I am not well;
- I don't want them to see my vulnerable side;
- I don't want them to carry my burden or worry about me;
- I don't want them to think I am manipulative or just want some attention;
- I don't want them to pity me; and/or
- I have gone through too much emotion myself, and when I am with my friends, I just want a break, a rest and a get-away.
Lesson 3: New Way to Help People in Depression
There are few exceptions who manage to get through that concrete wall I built and become my life-support. I can't help but notice those exceptions happen to be those whom I just meet in the last 12 months. There is less baggage between them and me, I guess. I feel more willing to take up their offers than old friends. It's probably because I am more polite to new friends, so I don't tend to shut them out abruptly. Also they don't know how I deal with my problems in the past. Thus, they don't easily give up and have been obsessively checking on me. In the last couple of weeks, I have been acting very passively and making no effort on anything. Whoever is leaving me alone, I just let it be; whoever is asking me out or caring me, I just let it be too. Thus, their noisy carings happen to be exactly what I need. From them I learn a new way to help others in depression. I know that it definitely works for me and make me realise that sometimes it's okay to just take the person in depression out and not have those lovey-dovey compassion talk. When they are ready to talk, they will. It's much more important to be pushy and get them shift focus first. Leaving someone alone may not be the best way or work for the serious depression.
There are few exceptions who manage to get through that concrete wall I built and become my life-support. I can't help but notice those exceptions happen to be those whom I just meet in the last 12 months. There is less baggage between them and me, I guess. I feel more willing to take up their offers than old friends. It's probably because I am more polite to new friends, so I don't tend to shut them out abruptly. Also they don't know how I deal with my problems in the past. Thus, they don't easily give up and have been obsessively checking on me. In the last couple of weeks, I have been acting very passively and making no effort on anything. Whoever is leaving me alone, I just let it be; whoever is asking me out or caring me, I just let it be too. Thus, their noisy carings happen to be exactly what I need. From them I learn a new way to help others in depression. I know that it definitely works for me and make me realise that sometimes it's okay to just take the person in depression out and not have those lovey-dovey compassion talk. When they are ready to talk, they will. It's much more important to be pushy and get them shift focus first. Leaving someone alone may not be the best way or work for the serious depression.
MEREDITH: Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most, are those who don't know what they want. (Grey's Anatomy, 2007)
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