Self care in grief/loss

I have been trying to fast forward my grieving process, but I realised that I can't just short circuit it. I have recognise the need to be gentle to myself and allow the healing to slowly take place in its own time.

My group came up with some useful self care in grief/loss during our brainstorming session and I would like to share them here to anyone who is dealing with grief/loss, eg. family members (parents, children, relatives etc), love, friends, wealth, health, body parts, personality/ability (confidence, motivation, innocence, identity, courage, trust, faith, freedom, hope etc.)

• Experience/Express what you are feeling in the early days alone or with others; get angry, have a cry etc. ; immediately is best, allowing it, not suppressing.
• Be around family/friends that care and talk about your loss - say the name.
• Allow people to give you support. No-one else knows exactly how you feel, but many people have lost, and have support to give.
• Read self-help books.
• Don't expect yourself to "get over it" too quickly. The grieving process takes time.
• Just be and stay with emotions long enough to let them shift.
• It is normal for people in grief to experience physical symptoms of distress - headaches, nausea, various pains and aches, insomnia, etc.
• Avoid making major decisions while you are grieving. If it is absolutely unavoidable, seek the wisdom of a trusted friend to help you.
• Write key messages/inspirations down and leaving them in obvious places.
• Don't hide reminders of your loss - photos, favourite records, etc. The pain they cause can help you express your emotions and thus bring some relief.
• Blog to the whole world.
• Pamper yourself: hot baths, massage, retail therapy, indulgences etc.
• Be kind to yourself, and remind yourself not to be harsh or beat self up
• Ask for hugs/affection.
• Make a conscious choice not to think about the problem for a while, such as take a grief holiday, get away from normal environment etc.
• Do not cut yourself off from your usual activities for too long. This will only add to your loss.
• If there are children involved, encourage them to share in expression of grief.
• Honour your emotions: its okay to feel that way.
• Meditate on inner peace/calmness – pray for self and others.
• Visualise the person surrounded in love, or visualise a happy time with them.
• Recognise that grief may come flooding back - anniversaries, unexpected memory jolts.

Black out

"It would really suck to be the one gets stuck in the lift right now!" I said, after he pointed out the possibility each building having at least one person stuck in a lift during the power cut. We laughed off and I went to my desk to drop my bag and then received a phone call.

"Hey D, where are you?" I asked.
"I am one of those poor guys that you were talking about getting stuck in the lift!"
"No way!"
"Yes, I can hear every single word you and the others have just said!"

Poor girl got stuck in the lift all by herself and she was so close to reach our floor!! I went out to the lifts and kept her company for a while until the nice me got possessed by the mischievousness...

"Hey D! J wants me to tell you that the fireman is coming in 5 hours!"

"Hey D! Hanging there!! You have to be there for more than 2 weeks! We have to beat Australians on this!"

"Hey D! Are you taking the stairs tomorrow? Oh wait, if you are still stuck in there, I guess you aren't taking the stairs tomorrow!"

I couldn't see her, but I am sure she really appreciated my company and humour :P

First Flower of this Winter

I had been excited and anticipated for weeks for its blooming and it finally did - a faultless beautiful white lily.

However, the flower was killing the plant itself, so we had to cut the most proud part of the plant down. It's like teenager pregnancy, I suppose. (Okay, it's time to laugh if you want to! I haven't seen anyone who can keep their face straight after I said that.) My young lily wasn't ready to have the flower, so we had to give it away to save the mother plant. Now, the lily flower it's sitting on my desk reminding me - Sometimes, you have to let go to survive.

sometimes you win,

sometimes you lose

sometimes you stay,

and the other times you move

sometimes it rains, but the sun

comes out tomorrow

sometimes happiness

sometimes sorrow

- Vanessa Amorosi, Sometimes Happiness

My Worries and My Determination

• It'll make me a bad person
• I'll end up like her and her
• I'll be hypocritical

I have carried too much "should" in my life and it's time to let some of them go.

Cancer

I am exhausted; however, it's exactly what I was aiming for - to be numb and not to feel a thing!

But, when he diagnosed my cancer cells are toxic, I suddenly felt thrilled and woke up from my dead mode to the reality instantly. I am feeling a bit apprehensive and anxious about cutting my cancer cells out of my body, even I know it's the best for me. However, these days I no longer know what's right, what's wrong or what I really want. Everything seems so confusing and trivial and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I have to do something/make decisions and there is no mistake allowed, because I am too fragile to afford another hurting. It has been like walking on thin ice blindfolded (with some real friends beside me keeping me safe and I thank you). All I know is I have to keep on going, and I have to be meticulously careful with where I put my next step.

It has been a frustrating period of my life. I am sick and tired of myself feeling the same way for so long and leaning on my friends so much to show me the right way. If I don't take the ownership of my problem, soon all my friends will stop pitying me and leave. It's easier said than done, but it's my fight, not anyone else and it's not fair for my friends to deal it for me.

It's time for me to take matters into my own hands. Even I have no clue where I am going from here.

Yeah? So? I am...

I thought being single was the coolest!

You could do a lot of crazy things and say heaps of blunt statements without feeling guilty or worried about what other people may think of you. There have been a lot of experimental attempts with massive satisfaction ;) If anyone had questioned me, I could have had just replied,

"Yeah? So what? I'm single!! Of course, I'm in title to do/say things like that!" I could have had just shrugged and people would have had accepted it. It's like the new "Black Jokes"!!

However, tonight someone has just burst my bubble :( I found out that "I am single!" is not nearly as cool as "I am an art student!" It's true!! You can pull anything off. Everyone would expect the most quirky things to be absolutely normal if it comes from an art student! How could I possibly compete with "I made slippers out of cardboard and wear them" or "I picked up a pie delivery tray and am going to carry it across half of the city." I wish I could be an art student,too. *sniff* *sniff*

Oh wait, I just have an brilliant idea! I am going to make "I AM Anita!!" cooler than "I am an art student!" (Yeah... right! Somehow I don't see that happening...but that could definitely make it into my random-do list!)

The Winter Blue

I was planning to go to Mt. Taranaki during the long weekend, but we had some transportation problem, which not even a rocket transportation modeller can fix it! However, I wasn't so disappointed at this outcome, because it meant I finally could have my dream lazy-easy-doing-nothing weekend for the first time in the last few months. My tramping weekend was quickly turning into movie marathon, sleep and baking!!

The weather forecasting lied to us (and you surprise?!). It wasn't as shitty or disgusting as they said it was going to be. Thus, I went for a drive to enjoy the rare winter sunshine. However, it didn't take long: The cold chilling depressing winter monster caught up with me and froze me to death.

It's June...

...and I am terrified at the unknown.

A Private Room in the AV Library

I just thought this headline is sensational! My first attempt to be a tabloid writer :)

The real story was rather insignificant to be named, so I shall leave it to your imagination :P Go wild, my friends who really know how to bring out the worst of me :P

My Symbols of Power and Love

I came a long way. Over field and forest, over lake and mountain, finally I reached the destination - the cottage with a person waiting inside for me. He was about to hang me the symbols of Power and Love.

First, it was the Power - a delicate little golden key. Then I was left there alone feeling apprehensive/awkward without seeing my Love symbol. Just before I realised what was going on, it hit me hard and unexpectedly - the overwhelming sadness and the searing pain were all enveloping me. I felt breathless with a nearly black red emptiness depressed my chest (For some reason, I can FEEL the colour). It's not quite a visual symbol I was receiving, but a FEELING. It was too much and I nearly cried.

I woke up from my visualisation feeling terrified and puzzled. It was supposed to be a joyful journey to embrace Power and Love. Why was I the only one having such negative feeling? And most of all, What does it mean? Is it the solution of my sorrow?

Then, the message came through...
"I was given a key to love, although it was too heavy and too much for me to carry!"

Still... What does it mean?? I am bugged with the version/feeling I had, but all I can do right now is be with the feeling and hope one day the mystery will reveal itself - albeit maybe it will never.

Pub Hopping

I first met up with two friends and start exchanging all the gossips (*cough* *cough* I meant catching up! They are real hard men, of course, they don't do gossip! My bad!) over dinner and then one of them kindly offered me a ride to Ponsonby. However, I thought it's just me forgetting where I parked my car, but no. He couldn't find his car and I was bursting! After all the dramas and playing find-a-space-to-sit-in-a-mess-car game, I finally got to my first bar for the Pub Quiz (or the American would like to call it the Trivia night).

We couldn't deny it, but yes we really sucked. Whatever! (which incidentally was our team's name) I have never been good at this game, so it didn't really surprise me that I wasn't so much helpful! But it didn't spoil my mood like it normally would in the past. It's because that I now accept myself who is just not good at certain things and it's okay to be imperfect :P We left halfway through and aimed for the next bar - Poetry reading.

It was quite a new experience for me and I didn't know what to expect. The whole room was packed. We walked across the room and sat on the floor spontaneously. I didn't like most of the poems. However, there was this lady who had such a gift describing things with rhythm and wit. She had two poems and I loved both of them. We joined halfway through and left halfway through, because he was starting getting bored. Time for the next bar.

I promised to take them to my little green bar in Ponsonby. However, I didn't realise how far away it really was. Although we walked the entire street (Good exercise, I claimed!), we did find it and they did love it!! It was as cosy as my last time here and we chatted until as late as my last bus home.

Alcohol consumption: zero :)

"Hey, you look older!" A family friend said to me excitingly.

"Thank you!" I replied.

See there are so many ways you can confuse people by saying a little thank you even she really messed mine up first.

Disclosure the real me

It was such a privilege to be there and felt safe at the same time to share everyone stories. Some have hided them so well and some didn't know what kind of guilt or/and hatred they were bearing and how these have consumed their lives. Everyone was so brave to experience self disclosure and explored their Jo-Hari Window, including me.

I was so proud of myself because I shared something which used to be my darkest/shameful/heavy/disgusting memory in my whole life. I was quite dubious whether or not I was ready to talk about it. However, I didn't feel any sorrow, shame or pain after I shared it. Of course, I also identified another issue waiting for me to deal with next, but I am not afraid of it anymore because I know one day I'll make it okay just like my previous one!

We all are afraid of sharing who we really are because we fear for being vulnerable and being judged or hurt by others. It seems to be so dangerous to disclose some of our personalities truly. However, what I realised today is that things are only big because we think they are big. Once you face it and are able to speak it out loud, it's really nothing. Everyone is the same; we all carry our own burdens and it's us making a big deal out it. The consequences aren't nearly as bad as we imaged it would have been. Sometimes, reality is actually easier to deal with.

Rodney District

This was my typical day in the last two days.

• Slept in
• Morning called from him
• Got picked up by him
• Went for a drive to different beaches
• Got paid for everything
• Saw so many breathtaking scenery
• Got dropped home by 5pm

Yes!! Did I mention that I love my job? We took turns to drive around the countryside 2 hours north of Auckland and I just fell in love instantly with the landscape and the nature again. New Zealand is such a beautiful country and I still get amazed at its charm now and then. We took so many marvelous photos which had very little to do with the job we were assigned to. However we believe those spectacular photogenic places will be a very important characteristic when we try to model the trip production and attraction (Yeah right!).

Understanding

" How could someone just jump into another relationship so fast?" She said to her furiously when she found out her ex is in another relationship.
" ... " She felt awkward as she was about to tell her a personal story on that subject herself.

I really thank her for having that experience because she made me learn to see it as an okay behaviour, just like how I am more lenient and tolerant on cheating now. There are those whom in my life I just can't hate. In order to continue loving them, I have to learn to be more understanding and accept it isn't that unforgivable after all. There is no right or wrong in relationships, I have learned. People just pursue their own happiness. I thank those whom I have come to love challenged my believes. Because of them, I am less hurt when unfortunate things happen to me and I am more understanding than I have ever in my life.

Oh! SHIT!!

That's pretty much all I could say in the end of my first time working overtime. My eyes were sore after concentrating on this project for 5 hours straight. Finally I finished drawing all the 24 survey routes for the Auckland traffic monitoring project and my colleague was letting me go home. However, I wanted to help her as much as I could as the report was due tonight, so I said I would stay for a little longer to tidy up the map. *Sigh* I wish I would have listened to her because then the disaster happened - I accidentally deleted EVERYTHING I had done for her!!! Oh yeah~~ "Oh! SHIT!!" was all I could say!! Ctrl-z?? Nah~ there is no undo function in this programme!! All I could do was laughing and going home!!!

It proved my theory - You should never work overtime! It doesn't do you any good! Just look at my first time working overtime experience.

The facts

I smile every time when I recall all the silly cute little things we did together, but it
doesn't change the fact you really hurt me the way no one had ever done to me, which
doesn't change the fact loving you was the bravest thing I have ever done, which
doesn't change the fact my friends think you are such a pig, which
doesn't change the fact you are really a nice and caring person, which
doesn't change the fact I hate what you did, which
doesn't change the fact I love all the efforts and the faith you had, which
doesn't change the fact there had been too much water under the bridge for you, which
doesn't change the fact I came back for us, which
doesn't change the fact it was too late, which
doesn't change the fact I am still crying and hurting, which
doesn't change the fact I am still strong and glowing, which
doesn't change the fact there are things that I never got the chance to say to you, which
doesn't change the fact we are both counting down days for the same return but for obviously different reasons, which
doesn't change the fact I still want to be your friend.

Please stop asking me How are you? because there is no simple answer for that, my friends! If you happen to see me hurting, remember that I am also glowing. If you happen to see me laughing, remember that I am also crying. Yes, I am profound, dubious, emotional and contradictory (yeah, basically I am a woman), but beautiful (as you all agree :P).

Auditing

After working 6 weeks, I have already made the list of 'Early warming for Occupational Overuse Syndrome'. Both of my arms, shoulders and neck are pretty screwed. My hands were tingling and my shoulders were having sharp pains from time to time. I even dropped my cup during the flat warming. My team leader had kindly assigned me to visit sites so I didn't have to use too much mouse and keyboard this week. However, it only made it worse because driving for me is pretty stressful!!

Anyway, it has been fun to do pedestrian crossing auditing and had some fresh air outside of the office this week. I have been enjoying it for the following reasons,

1. My driving and map reading skills have been improved heaps after this week. Thanks to all the poor company cars I was driving. Do you know that you can get a handbrake next to your clutch? What should we call it? A footbrake???
2. I now know all the regulations for a pedestrian crossing and I have bored all my friends with it. But, they asked for it! I DID warn them in advance that once I start, I can't stop, but they didn't believe me. So far, only the photographer who took my graduation photo finished listening to my lengthy speech without begging me to shut up! Shame on you, ppl!
3. Running into friends on the street at different parts of Auckland with my bright orange high visibility vest was random. However, I am sure no one can beat my orange vest, not even the Commerce Regalia (where the colour of the hood is also orange). This job does have some advantage to go picking up photos and meeting up friends for photos.
4. Making a female to work around Dressmart (a factory outlet shopping mall) is just a crude joke. How could I resist the temptation not to go in and do a bit of window shopping when I was surrounding with all the stunning clothes, shoes and bags on big sale??!! Coincidentally (!), I managed to have my lunch break there. That was my plan all along? Nah....it just happened that way. (Yeah, right!)
5. I accidentally discovered a lot of beautiful places around Auckland. They all have breathtaking views. Some are very romantics especially around sunset.
6. I also bumped into some interesting ppl during auditing, such as

• Policeman: He invited me into his little mobile office and showed me all the cool equipments inside, including the speed camera, the regulation of speed limit around school areas, the software, the number of ppl were getting fines that day, the paper work and the workstation. It's pretty neat! The best benefit I got from my visit is, from now on, I'll be extremely careful to look out for any RED VAN while I am driving!!
• Primary Teacher: I got a special request from a teacher to borrow my measuring wheel to show his students. Apparently, they were talking about it recently, so I was the best candidate to demonstrate the tool in reality!
• Nice citizens: Of course, you also got ppl who feel they have the obligation to their community, so they like to make 'suggestions' whenever they got the chance. "I think they should put a traffic light there! There are at least 2 accidents happening a week!" I got those a lot!

Graduation...again (!)

It was another graduation, except this time I felt very lonely. There wasn't so much excitement because not so many ppl that I know of were graduating with me. Besides, I finished my Masters too long ago to feel anything special tonight. It was a stage of my life and it has passed - along with my relationship. There isn't so much celebration for the degree nor for he and I anymore. Holding that unused 3rd ticket made me very depressed and sentimental. There is no longer 'us', but I still want to say - Thank you for that 18months walking beside me.

I also saw him again, on the stage, this time. Again, he made my heart smile. Suddenly, I realised the reason that I like him so much is because I always feel comfortable and happy around him. I was inspired by him anew and set another goal - I want to become just like him - bring ppl happiness and making ppl SMILE :)

It's June

...and I am terrified at the unkown