Going Home

I haven't been back to my home country myself for 5 years. Last time was a very special trip to my life. I confronted my darkest memory alone, which allowed me to trust men again and met my boyfriends later. I fulfilled my dream of making up for not being there for the University life. That was the dream got left behind when I came to NZ. I travelled all around that little island and visited as many universities, my friends and night markets as I could to have a taste of what I was missing. All my friends and I picked up where we left like we had never been apart. I could talk to friends openly and shared all sort of things that ppl in their early 20 should talk about, but I couldn't here in NZ. I did my first backpacking experience in my home country!

Five years later, I am taking two of my best kiwi friends home and I am freaking out. I still have the excitement of going home like I always do, but I am also scared of screwing it up. I have never shown any foreigners my country before and I am not really that familiar with that island anymore. They are coming to Taiwan because of me and they have only 13 days. That thought keeps me up at night sometimes and planning the trip have become my main focus these days. The first thing in the morning in the last 2 weeks has been checking emails from participators and travel consultant and organising the flight. There were different airlines, different stopover options, different departure and paid dates, different airfare, different airport and fuel tax to be considered. I have been practicing my Operation Research skill to optimise the objective function, i.e. cheapest airfare, maximum days in Taiwan, limited holiday leave they can take, matching with my German friend's visit in NZ, coming back for X'mas etc. etc....Meeting up everyone's priority was a challenge. However, I think we finally reach an agreement of the departure date (I hope!!).

Now, I only need to tell my German friend to book his flight to NZ, start organsing his tour in NZ, make sure all 4 of us (1 German+2 kiwis and me) can fly with different airlines but arrive in Taiwan in the same weekend (the same date is out of question already) safely without losing one or the other and THEN I can start worrying about where to take them in Taiwan. Gee.....So SIMPLE!!

I promised him not to worry to meet my family, but I think he should more worry about all my friends who want to meet him eagerly. She said, "Don't worry, we are all nice and we don't bite!!"

"Oh, dear!" I can see his reaction on this.

Addiction

It's really bad to be addicted to something and can't control yourself.

Sadly, I have allowed myself to rely on them in my daily life so that I can be full of energy everyday in the last 4 months. It used to be by choice, then percussion and I thought I can stop using them anytime I want. But now I can't live my life without them. The excuse of being stressed isn't applied anymore after my Masters so I have decided it's time to challenge myself and quit.

It was very difficult in the first day. I failed as I didn't really put up a fight with my urge. The following days were hard and I badly sleep at the night.....Then things get slightly easier after a while. The biggest success so far was sleeping with my teddy bear in the other bed rather than mine! I have come clean for 6 days so far!!!!!

Hi, my name is Dandelion and I am a ear-plugs-holic.

Negative comments

I don't know what to do every time he expresses his options or critises on something or someone negatively. I know it's not his fault, but I can't stop taking it personal or finding it offensive. Most of time, it is because I have someone I know who matches the thing he is critising or even I know I could be like that too. That's why they really IRRITATE me.

For example, last night, he and his sister were wondering some of the English names we Asians took. I knew they weren't really laughing at them, but I didn't feel very comfortable especially, I have a good friend who has the name they think only ppl who is more than 60 years old would have it in this country. I was very disturbed, but I don't know what to do or say. I was angry, but I also knew they weren't 惡意中傷 (defaming intentionally) my friend. Some other time, he may critise the movie is crap, but I again feel irritated, because I either have friends who would love the film or myself enjoy it. Or, he said he hates ppl who just stop in the middle of the road or corridor and I know many others and myself must have done the same and even himself has done it from time to time.

Such kind of negative comments really bug me and I really don't know how to deal with it. Currently, I just tell myself that I am not perfect either and there are some personalities of his that I really admire but I can't do it myself, so it would be unfair to want him to be more open minded.

Any one has a better advice? I could really use some help here.

Balance sheet

Check bounced fine $20
Overdraft interest $0.57
Phone Bill to Finland $66.09
Dinner with family $139

Salary paid $918.18

Yeah!!! Good to get paid!!
I am sure all the expenses were well spent and priceless. (Even the check got bounced? Come on it's funny!)

Assumptions

It's interesting how the nature of human mind work. We seem to assume the worst when we expect to hear from the other but don't.

I used to feel very anxious, rejected, neglected and furious every time if I didn't get any responses after I pull my heart out to express my feeling and try to communicate. It was very frustrating because I felt I was shouting at a stony wall without any echo. I assumed the letter or emails got missing, he just doesn't care enough to talk back, or all I have accused or assumed in my email are all true. Now I find the same theory can be applied on the Blog.

I haven't post anything here for two weeks and he starts getting worry coz he assumed I am still in the same status of mind as my last post which was rather dark. However, it was very nice of him writing me a long comment to share his own experience and support me as a true friend. I am sorry to hear about the similar journey, but glad that he could understand what I was going through.

How am I now? Better. Thank you my friend.

My Overdue Holiday

My long overdue holiday finally came around.

Didn't get dinner was the biggest mistake, but the best mistake for the wallet. After 12 hours famine, I was so thankful to have that big breakfast (hum...it's more like dinner, breakfast and lunch in one)!! Despite didn't have much sleep because of the hunger, we had a great afternoon. The weather was perfect so we walked around the vineyard and soaked us into the sun and the nature in Waiheke Island. I was camera free, diary free and map free!! Can you believe it? "Well, Relax~~ It's Holiday!!!!!" I said to myself.

We didn't see many ppl (maybe 3?) during our relaxing walk, but we were haunted by "The University of Auckland" shockingly. It was the least thing we would have expected to see in this little island 35 mins from Auckland during holiday. However, this unignoreable disturbing sign was right in front of us at the beginning of our walk. "NOOOO~~We just can't get away from it, can we?" we grinned at each other. Then, we walked around this evil wine science property of the university while he was telling me more cool Roman history. I wonder is it possible he is gonna run out of the stories one day?

He made us some walking sticks which ended up being very useful in walking, Jedi fighting and playing baseball and hockey. I was very geeky to talk about electrical waves and Window XP when we were enjoying the breeze, the scenery and the sunset. I blame the degree I am doing....Damn you, Modelling the slow wave in the small intestine and its associated magnetic field!! (Umm....my baby is growing up and I start getting annoyed at it sometimes.)

The dinner was great except the wine I had. I was really busy talking, eating with my hands, waving my fork and knife and making a sharp loud noise when I cut the plate rather than the yummy ribs. I think the plate almost chipped...How embarrassed!! I talked a lot of my childhood stories due to he said "Tell me something I don't know" during our walk. I guess I have never talked much about myself and he may be starting being sick of being the one always talking. After dinner we walked back to the hostel and I was so tired that I went to bed at 9pm and slept more than 12 hours until the next day. Thanks to my genius ear plugs!!

The weather forecasting was right AGAIN and it was cloudy and raining. I like listening to the rain with my eyes closed. I can hear the rain hit on the plastic roof, on the leave, on the branch, on the water puddle, on the stone, on the ground, on the flags, on the bells and on all sort of different material. It was a very peaceful moment for me that morning with my own nature orchestra.

After lunch (Platter seemed to be the theme for the weekend), we fought for our taxi and caught our ferry just in time (A typical Anita holiday has to involve some sort of "almost" missing transportation).

It was a very easy-lazy holiday! I spend time relaxing with a good company without much fights (I think both of us tried hard not to touch each others button for a change) and I didn't blow up my EUR$50 a day budget at all!! Thanks to the 12 hours famine!

Morning Call

I got a morning call right before my alarm went off. A friend from far far away from a familiar land-Slovakia.

After a warm greeting, he put me on to her. Ahoj moja mala!!! They have just been to the wedding party in Hungary and she is showing him her home town, the same way she did to me. RN,RN....where I have my last memory of Europe. I remembered the day clearly. The snow, the cold, the bus station, the window, the last goodbye, the love and the tear. Phew~ What a memory!

It has been a great morning to touch the past and plan the future. I am looking forwards this summer/winter (umm...depends on which hemisphere you are referred to.)

Workshop

The main character in the movie Fight Club went to all sort of support groups. Now I see why. This weekend, I went to a workshop and I can see myself get really addicted to it for a very similar reason.

Ppl with different ages, different background and different stories for different reasons came together and shared a few days journey together. You didn't know me and I didn't know you, but suddenly we became more open mind to each other than ever because of the nature of the workshop and because we aren't likely gonna see each other ever again.

If we all travel in a linear manner, then it's amazing to think that there were 11 of us suddenly collide at the same time and same place for a blink of our life time. There were some sparks between some of them. Some big, some small. We only let others peeked into the part we wanted to project out during the workshop and leave each other a wide space for the imagination.

I learned more than just the workshop. I see snapshots of ppl's lives and it amazes me always how ppl live their lives differently and how they think diversely. There was a wide variety of ppl, from mid-life crisis, young actress chasing her dream, losing partner, accounting lecturer, business consultant etc. They all carried different burden with different fantasy dreams and I was glad they shared mine too.