Once bitten twice is shy

I am sure I listed at least three reasons that I shouldn't:

1. He needs to be alone to grow up
2. Despite how much I dislike her, I don't want her to go through the pain I went through
3. I don't want to be hurt again...

However, today, I found myself falling falling again....

I’m here, Just like I say
Though it’s breaking every rule I’ve ever made
My racing heart, is just the same
Why make it strong to break it once again
And I’d love to say I do
Give everything to you
but I can never now be true

So I say
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
I’m feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I’m here, so please explain,
Why you’re opening up a healing wound again
I’m a little more careful, perhaps it shows
But if I lose the highs at least I’ll spare the lows
And I would tremble in your arms
What could be the harm
To feel my spirit come

So I say,
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
I’m feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I wouldn’t know how to say
How good it feels seeing you today
I see you’ve got your smile back
Like you say - you’re right on track
But you may never know why
Once bitten twice is shy
If I’m proud, perhaps I should explain
I couldn’t bear to lose you again.

Yes I will
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
I’m feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now.

- Leave Right Now, Will Young

I am not Marion!

Normally I don't reply to wrong messages or txts, but this one was an exception even they kept calling me the wrong name :x

A father was obviously in a hurry trying to contact someone because his son had just in an accident and was about to go into surgery. Even it was a wrong message, I felt responsible to let him know that he reached the wrong phone number and showed my compassion to his family and friends. However, they thought I was someone else and thanked me for my concern. The txt messages came back and forwards and I felt I actually knew the family/friends for a little while.

I gave up correcting my name, as it's not so important. After all I am just a stranger passing by.

Hope he is alright though~

Stressed Puppy

I had a very stressful week doing project for moody boss. It wasn't fun at all, especially when the result wasn't what he wanted and he seemed to want to bite my head off :(

Because it's boss's project, I have to take it as high priority i.e. no matter how urgent other projects are, his is always the most *important* one even that sometimes means no lunch or dinner for me, the stressed puppy, until 10 pm! :@

3 fishes

3 fishes in the pond???? :-o

Since when did that happened?? :x

日有所思，夜有所夢

(What I think during the day is what I dream at night)

It's really sad (sick some may say) that I was all awake at 5am thinking of my disaggregation project (humm... I think the name should have warned me at least when I accepted the job). My brain was fed up with all different source data and spreadsheet functions, so that I couldn't go back to sleep! Arrh!! This project has been so challenging that I didn't have lunch yesterday as I was too busy and stressed until 9pm after work and another painting session! I am so easy to get distracted by what's on my mind, which either affects my sleep or embarrasses myself....

After a bad night sleep, I got up to bake more those yummy birthday cookies as I had another joined birthday party with a colleague. We played mah-jong and sang karaoke at her place in the afternoon. Then we had a big feast contributed by everybody. Just before we all started singing to the other birthday girl, I asked one of the girl to take picture for the birthday girl.
"Hey W, take a picture for D" I said.

Then we were singing and singing...
"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear...W.."
Shit!!! I called out the picture taking girl's name rather than the birthday girl's name!!! It was so embarrassing!!!!! That was even before I had any bubbles!!!

After few ppl left, I noticed that I had a message on my phone, so I replied while we were talking about J's personality as he was rather scary tonight. Then J sent me a message: "wrong msg", which I was completely confused until this morning I suddenly clicked!! Dah!! I sent the replying message to J rather than the other person! Fortunately, I didn't mention about J's temper in the txt, otherwise, I would have to kill myself.

" You are sick!" He replied after receiving my txt at 5am!
Well, I made sure I wasn't the only one being awake at that hour :P Evil? Selfish? Me? Yeah! I didn't get that txt until the next morning as I switched off my phone right after I sent txts to the work gang at 5am!

Does it really matter?

I have kept the silance for so long
I have kept the pain so quiet
What make you think I'm gonna do anything different this time?

All I ever wish for has come true,
but how come I still don't know what to do!! :(

Dress Fitting

Yah~~~~

It's a glory day!!!!
There must be a God!!!

I Went Solo Officially

My journey started last May and it has been an amazing personal growth for me. It really gets me out of my comfort zone and makes me ever more open and confident. It gives me the opportunity to help others. However, I am humble by every single call which allows me to look at myself more closely. I realised that in order to be available for others, I have to sort out a lot of my own issues and seek for supports. I think the most benefit I get out of Youthline is being truthful to my own emotions and my own process.

I made a lot of mistakes. I got triggered by many circumstances. However, I learned and I improved. I now not only know how to deal with them better in the future, but most importantly I learned to self-care myself.

• I learned to face my darkest demon
• I learned to forgive myself
• I learned to set boundary
• I learned to close my own unfinished businesses
• I learned to put myself prior to others

I still have a lot to learn, but I am really glad that I become solo before my next group starts. It's a nice finishing to be able to give myself the recognition of achieving something significant after working so hard towards this goal last year. Now I am ready for my next learning curve!

The following are where I am at cf. 6months ago:

Strengths:

• Able to bring out underlying issues;
• Very committed to continue her skill development;
• Very committed to empower callers;
• Able to bring out contradictions in callers presentation;
• Build rapport easily and shows compassion and warmth to callers;
• Awareness of own process;
• Good in identifying need for support for self.

Learning edges:

• Keep developing English vocabulary to convey warmth skillfully;
• Monitoring own responsible in crisis calls;
• Continue in learning about referrals;
• Continue to work on finding underlying issues.

"Take it back!" She said after glancing at my strenghts and learning edges sheet. "Have a look! What do you see?"

"There are more learning edges than strengths?" I replied timidly trying to find out what's wrong with it.

"What does that tell you????"
"Oh~It means I am too harsh on myself?" I said without thinking. "Damn! That's ANOTHER learning edge!"

"$@^@#%$&#$......"

Happy Birthday to me!

It was my first time actually organising something for my birthday in a long time!

I didn't like making a big deal of my birthday and organising a party because I used to think that implies asking for presents! However, this year I decided to celebrate with friends because I start seeing it as an opportunity to spend time with ppl who care for me. I always enjoy doing something sweet for ppl who I love, so I guess by allowing ppl who care for me to show their appreciation on my birthday is not only a gift to me, but also to them! I guess what I have been improving the most in the last year is not being so harsh on myself and loving myself more.

My birthday started with few email blessings, the whole section singing happy birthday to me (slightly embarrassing) and a home-made chocolate cake, following by a free lunch, a card, flowers delivered to the reception, jewels, a bookmark, Movie money, a cooked dinner and a card with a lotto ticket. This morning I decided to make an effort and bake chocolate cookies for everyone who came to my birthday outing. I was quite pleased to see everyone having fun at bowling, dinner and movie. It was a quite delicate situation to bring all my friends together, but everyone was really nice to each other and no one seemed to be left out. There were ppl coming and going, but I managed to spend time with everyone :) I also got some candles, a book, a hand-made pencil, a free dinner, and a free hot chocolate :) Oh! And ppl loved my first attempt of those yummy chocolate cookies!!

Thank you guys, for making my birthday so joyful :)

P.S. I also got a chocolate fondue set from the work gang, flowers and an engineer mug on 20/Jan - another celebrating party.

Anthurium

Do you remember that anthurium you carefully watered at my place? I just want you to know that it has been blooming for weeks. I think it's eager to show you its beauty and growth, just like me waiting for your return.

Please hang in there!
Please take care of youself!
Please reach out if it helps.

If you ever have doubt, please remember this
- Things you touch, bloom!

007

007 - Licensed to KILL!!!!! (Not a Grey's Anatomy fan? Well, you should!)

Yes, that's me!!!!

What really kept me up all night in the last 2 days wasn't my solo assessment, but this morning!!! I got my FULL drivers license this morning!! Finally!!! Now I have a license to kill…being a female, Asian driver and that…..:P

However, it didn't come easy, but rather dramatic! After my solo assessment last night (which by the way I passed!!), which was like 10:30pm, I got home and suddenly realised that I had to do some paperwork before my driving test at 9am sharp!! What was worse? My driving test centre was one of few places which I could NOT do my paperwork!! *Panic**Panic* With shock, I found out that the closest place, where I could do my paperwork, opened at 8:30am, so I was preying to get there first thing in the morning in the hope of getting the paperwork done in 10mins before I can drive all the way back to my driving test centre. It was almost like an impossible mission, but I had to try! After all, what other choices did I have?!

I got there just before 8:30am this morning while it was disgustingly puring and found out Tuesday was the only day they opened at 9am!!! Devastated as you may image!! The guy was really generous and was trying to open the centre for me, but the other lady said no! My last hope was calling the 0800 test booking number and explaining my hopeless situation! Surprisingly, the lady was very kind and said it's more important that I didn't miss my test as I can get my paperwork done later! Thus, I raced back to my car, drove as fast as I could to the test centre and was just in time for my test!!! Phew~~After the instructor passed me, I took the bus for free without waiting to the city and got my temporary FULL licence. I went to buy a lotto ticket because I felt so lucky!!

I had never felt so nervous before and I didn't tell any of my colleagues about it beforehand. After all, it has been quite embarrassing enough that an intelligent traffic engineer like me didn't have a full licence! And failing was just unacceptable! I am so relieved and glad it's all over now!

Yay!!! I am almost solo (still waiting for a group assessment)
Yay!! Yay!!! I got my full licence!!!

Best Birthday presents I have ever got for myself :D

Mini golf at office

I went back to work today. Just to slowly (literally!) get used to working again. After all, it's Friday and no one really works on Friday, right? Especially, bosses aren't back yet :P

After work, we played mini golf at office corridor! The rules were simple;

• the game started with each team drinking a glass of champagne to be the handicap!
• 6 holes which were made by all the office obstacles you can think of - newspapers, boxes, cardboard, tables, chairs, and trolley etc. Guess what's the holes? Beer Cans!!
• the losing team had to drink all 6 holes (beers)!

Yes, I know! My work environment seems to be so much fun!! I sometimes worry our gang spend too much time with each other! The rest of the gang have seen each other 8 days out of 12 days during Christmas and New Year holiday! How sad was that! I was "lucky" enough to be in Hamilton and with my visitors, otherwise, I would have been joining in that sad statistics too!

Sick Leave

I was planning to go back to work tomorrow, but I am feeling quite sick. However, who is gonna believe me that after 13 days of X'mas/New Year holiday, I need a sick day?!

Who is gonna make me Honey Lemon Tea this time? Any volunteer?

New Weds

This new year has been quite busy! After I came back from my New Year celebration and picked up travelling 4 months of her, my senior high schoolmate from Taiwan came to visit me with her new wed husband yesterday. So here I was again, driving around and extending my Anita touring package to souvenir shopping, Pak'n Save, sunset beach walking on Browns Bay and Kelly Tarlton's Underwater World. Well, it's more like they took me there, as it was my first time visiting Kelly Tarlton after living in Auckland for 10 years! How embarrassing! :P

I learned a lot about Taiwanese wedding culture from those new weds;

• 提 親 (Mentioning the marriage) - This ceremony is when the guy with his family come to the girl's house and ask her parents for her hand in marriage. It's interesting to know that it happens sometimes even before the guy proposing to the girl now day (The couple normally get nagged by family members about setting up the date to see the girl's parents before the guy propose to the girl.) And apparently, it's better to get married in even age. Therefore, many of my schoolmates were married in a hurry last year! Anyway, during 提 親, it's time basically all parents discuss on the wedding customs, such as 小聘 (little betrothal gift- the money bride family will receive) 大聘 (big betrothal gift - the money that will be presented at the engagement ceremony) 甘蔗掛豬肉 (putting pork at the end of sugar can), 嫁妝 (dowry) etc., which surprisingly are quite different between north and south of Taiwan!
  
• 訂婚 (Engagement Ceremony) - It involves food prepared for the bride side's families, 喜餅 (wedding cakes), 台灣特有的拍婚紗文化 (Professional Wedding Photo done before the wedding. It's quite an unique spectacle in Taiwan) 鑽戒 (rings. I was told that there are two pairs of rings. One from both future mother-in-laws to their future son/daughter-in-law and one pair from the new weds to each other. I was also told that the groom has to "disappear" in the middle of the meal and leaves the bride to say goodbye to the guests. Plus, a millions other stuff you have to do and prepare before/during the ceremony.
• 結婚 (Wedding Ceremony) - It involves food prepared for the groom side's families. Apparently that the bride has to change dress at least 3 times. Plus another a million other stuff that I had given up to memorise by this point!
• 歸 寧 (The first time after get married, the bride goes back to paternal home for a visit) - Yes, Chinese culture is all about eating. This time again food prepared for the bride side's families.

I think I'll just stop right here because above is all I can take in one night. Those formalities are just too much for my little brain!! I reckon that it is made this way to test how willingly the couple really want to get married. If the couple are capable to go through all these, then they must be really in love...(Oh~~) I am sure no one would like to go through it more than once!

One more thing! The groom family pays for most of wedding in Chinese culture, while it's the opposite in western culture. Thus, from an economic point of view, I think my brother should get married in NZ and I should get married in TW :P

Anyway, I am really glad that they chose NZ for their honeymoon and spend a day with me. I wish them all the best for the new life they are starting with each other!

Culture Reflecion

She came back to Auckland after traveling/working around NZ for 4 months. She now knows more about NZ agriculture than I do, such as which areas produce cherries, apples, strawberries, kiwifruits, apricots, grapes, asparagus, lilies and so on, and what seasons they are ripe for picking and how to! (I didn't know farmers use helicopters to dry cherries or spread water to defrost apricots?!)

She shared her experience with me and I really think she learned more than just the spectacular NZ landscape, and different kiwi lifestyles/attitudes. It amazes me to see how much more awareness she's had from her short period of travelling (compared to my 10 years NZ and 1 year Slovakia experiences). She not only gets to know NZ, but also more importantly - herself. We share many realisations but some didn't come to me until recent years. Maybe it's an age thing or maybe I am just not as enlightened as she is. However, ironically I think my 3 months visit in Taiwan last year has the same impact on me as her 4 months in New Zealand!

Culture is a really fascinating topic and we both amaze at how culture shock/conflict acts as a mirror and bring us closely to look at ourselves. We talked about dishwash culture, saving attitude, money value, family/society expectations, individuality, inveterate protocols/restraints, political ideology, fashion, definitions of success/happiness and freedoms etc.

It's very refreshing to revisit those differences again as I have been suffering from my own TW v.s. NZ identity for years and it isn't until this year that I finally feel more settled about who I am. I realise that I would never be able to deny or abandon where I am coming from no matter how long I have lived in a western society. In the past, I have tried holding those traditional protocols/believes blindly and patriotically, but that only led me to a dead end with more suffering. I also have tried turning my back to my culture and found myself still not being able to fit in totally.

It has taken me too long to recognise this in a hard way, but I eventually realised that I have to accept who I am as a whole. I can't just deny one whole culture(/myself) just because I hate part of it(/myself). I have learned to appreciate them as a whole. Instead of seeing my identity as an endless internal conflict, I have been learning to integrate both cultures in a more harmonious way and see it as an opportunity to live the life I want. The traditional part of me is always gonna be there, but I am lucky enough to experience different ways of doing/thinking and I know that I can always have the choice to adopt to different perspectives whenever I want/need as long as they are making me a happier person :)

New Year 2007

Well, there weren't too many exciting stuffs going on, except a very relaxing and pleasant time with friends! Okay, the truth is, I got very addicted to play an online game called World of Warcraft (W.O.W) and I glued myself in front of the computer for 2 days while I was in Hamilton :P Here you go, happy now?

My occupational syndrome has never been so bad after 2 days of gaming!!! However, it was totally worth it because my night elf has reached level 10 and I got an owl as my pet!! How cool is that!!

"Ohhh Not a night elf! Night elf is just a stereotypical male construct!!" She said.

"Maybe that's why I chose night elf! I can't help but wanting to be the centre of attention amount males :P I guess that's why I got drawn to this game - my own fantasy land! Wah~ ha~ ha~ haaaa~!!"