The Difference

I never want to admit my uncomfortable and fear of feeling not fit in in the kiwi culture, but in a group of kiwis, I do feel lonely and scared sometimes. It doesn't help if all of them are my friends or even my best friends. I can deal with one perfectly well at the time. Two are getting a bit tricky. Three are just pushing. Even I am half-kiwi by now, there are still a lot of things I don't know. When someone says something in the group, they have enough common ground to catch up with each other and that's time I feel I am not a kiwi at all.

"I can understand how you feel coz I felt the same when you were with him even you were both speaking English in front of me." She said. "And I don't even need to deal with it everyday" She continued

I was in a similar situation when I was travelling, but I only spent a short period of time at each place and I was only passing by. Strangely, I didn't find any difficulties in a group of trainees even they were mainly from the white society. The thing is we all came from different backgrounds, so there is no so called majority common ground. However, here in New Zealand, I am the minority and it's so easy to get neglected in a group especially I have difficulties to speak up in a group where I don't feel confident enough to do so. And I don't like that.

Every time I walk into such situation, I have to prepare myself to have enough positive energy shield so I won't get upset too much when I find myself not belong to the group. I can do few hours or a day or two, but 5days is a lot to ask for.

"It is not a holiday if you have to prepare yourself!" She said. I know I am not gonna have fun, but I was willing to challenge myself and compromise for him because it makes him happy and because I care. But if he doesn't care about my holiday, why should I.

I don't think he knows what it feels like even after I tried to explain. I guess I can't blame him. He has never needed to survive through that kind of situation in a daily based. That's part of reasons I want to take him back to Taiwan, so he can at least understand what he asked is not a simple thing.

The more I am in this kind of situation, the more I see the difference between us and the more I feel pessimistic about the future. Yes, being different is interesting coz you have endless things to talk about, but at the same time you look for similarities to be belong to something, to be heard and to be understood.

"Maybe there is a reason they say you should only date your own race." She said.

I am considering the possibility of going home...