The Threesome

"I miss talking to you" He said.

I was feeling tired and achy when he said that to me. A good old friend from far far away. It brought me the light that someone wanted to talk to me after what I have been through today. I was not as meaningless as I thought I was after all. That request was quickly fulfilled.

We talked for almost an hour and it was very comforting to hear his voice from the other side of the world. He made me almost cried when he said he would have picked me as his best man if the wedding is at a different time and space. And of course if it's allowed to have a female to be the groom's best man that is. It means a lot to me to hear that from him. I know he is gonna cry at his own wedding and it's sad that I won't be there to participate this happiest day of his life. He said the traineeship was like a dream for him too, but in his case, some part of that dream continues and the best of all, he is gonna married his dream girl. That was the most sweetest thing that I have ever heard! He shared his collection of quotes to save me from the dark side and I did find myself walk out of my passive and dull corner. Not only because of those motivational quotes, but also knowing there is someone cares about me, I smiled again.

Then, he came online too! I love the technology. It brings ppl closer. We invited him into our conversation and the chat just went everywhere. From the dirty bears, the drinking, the farting, the burping, the girls, the wedding, the nasty commons on each other, to our last pathetic memory of the Slovak language, we shared and enjoyed our threesome reunite in the air. Umm....IT WAS GOOD!! We were gonna try foursome, but the german machine was busy. What a surprise!!

After another hour talking, one got hungry, one got sleepy and the other got to run. It was a beautiful threesome. I feel fulfilled again. Yeah, I know I also turn doggy again.

Thank you guys!! You make me laugh again!
I love you!
cau cau

Is it what dying feels like?

I am staring through the emptiness and start losing my conscience. I can't feel my legs and I am getting cold. I am breathing in what I have just breathed out. Everything seems so meaningless right now. Is it what dying feels like?

I screamed at the wall and wished to get some echo. But no. It just passively stood there and absorbed all my sound energy.

"There is no point to give out feedback.", it said heartlessly. "Go singing, dancing around me if you wish, but I would be just as motionless as stones and act like nothing had happened because I am made of stones." "You can say all sort of things to me, but I am not going to give you any hints, right or wrong.", it said stonily.

The converstation is over. The wall has broken my heart. I can feel the anger and the pain, but soon I'll stop feeling. No more emotions, no more trying. "What's the point?", I screamed bitterly. I was so naive that I thought the wall would feel sorry at least. But I forget, it is a wall. It isn't alive. It can't say "I am sorry." It doesn't matter anymore. My heart is dying. Soon, I'll become an emotionless, passive and meaningless stone, too.

A free ride

I felt awkward sitting away from all my friends. But I wasn't really in the mood of talking anyway. The young boy sitting next to me wasn't easy to talk to. In fact, I found him irritated coz he tried to act "cool". I was barely holding the conversation with him. Thus, I was quite happy when this man came in late and took the empty seat in front of me. He must be about 10 years older than me.

Ppl seemed to enjoy themselves very much. A lot of socialising conversation were around tables. I would normally take the initiative to meet new ppl, but just not tonight. The man in front of me seemed to feel the same, so we both took passive attitudes and only talked to ppl who came to us. We didn't talk to each other much, so I hesitated a lot when he offered me a ride home. Somehow, I decided to trust human. Using myself as an experiment is quite brave, I thought. I guess I trusted the orgnisation so much that I believed anyone who was used to involve has good perspective of life. It was a gamble.

He opened the car door for me first?! THAT's NEW!! And he gently closed it like it's normal. Good old slovak gentleman!!! Oh, well, he is half slovak-Hungarian. I miss the way how slovak men treat their ladies!! We talked a lot more on the way home and he has such interesting life story!! Working for the UN in New York headquater, doing research on U.S. politic and now still involving in UN orgnisation voluntarily when doing a full time job for the council!!

I won the gamble :)

Travelling v.s. Being at home

"Do you miss travelling?" She said.
"Eh......Ye...s." I replied tranquilly like I was just continuing a bus conversation.

"YES!!" I screamed silently, in fact. I miss the me who was travelling.

When you are away from home, from everything else you are familiar with, you grow strongly. You look for adventures. You are willing to adapt into anything. You challenge yourself to see how far you can go. You walk out of your comfort zone to experience a whole new different world. Everything is new, different and exciting!! You have to be brave, positive and active either willingly or reluctantly. The nature survival instinct, I guess. You appreciate the differences coz they inspire you. They are like mirrors reflecting your thoughts, who you were, who you are and who you want to be.

One of my friends once asked this question in her Blog.
"Why people stop sending you email updates once they return from their Big OE?"

I think we stop looking for differences but similarities. Security and stability become what we seek for once we come back to our home countries. I guess these are what home stands for. However, unfortunately, we are scared to be different at the same time. We withdraw back to our little nutshell and want to fit in the big society again. You have no excuse to be difference now coz you are at home. Very pathetic? I know. It's rather frustrating, too!

I know keeping running away from home is not the solution. It's the set of mind making me scare to be different and only me can make it okay. We all have the right to be different either away or not, but the expectations from the society, family, friends and most of all, ourselves have kept us away from the freedom of celebrating the differences.

That's why I start this Blog- To make myself be sensitive again to what is inside of me rather than what outer environment makes me.

This random girl

"I like her!!" That was my first impression of her.

She seems a very nice girl. She reminds me of this girl that I used to know. I wonder whether her Horoscope is Aries coz I always get this warm, gentle and friendly feelings when I meet one.

"What is a nice girl like her doing with that boyfriend!?" That was the 2nd time I saw her- in the gym playing soccer.

Pretty racist of me, I know. It shocked me too. Maybe that's how other ppl see me too? I wonder how many of my friends and his friends have also thought about this. Maybe they all wonder why ppl like us go out with other cultures. It's not like we aren't accepted by our own ppl. If we are popular enough around our ppl, why do we choose partners from different cultures rather than our own? I think cross-culture relationships are very tricky. There are so many differences between two parties. In a way, you have unlimited things to talk about, but at the same time, you are looking for the similarities, too. I find it hard personally. Sometimes, I feel I betray my race. I remember I went to see this movie and this sister was the obstacle between her loving brother (black) and her new best friend (white). She said to her, "I know I am selfish, but you aren't one of us. We can't let you take the best of us away from us. There are plenty of you out there to go out with. But not him!!".

"Is she a threat to me?" That was the question I had after I left the gym.

Unfortunately, I still have my self-doubts and I like the girl so much that I think she is better than me. She seems very nice, confident and most of all, she is happy!! Oh, and she plays soccer!

"I wish her boyfriend is treating her the way she wants and she is as happy as she seems to be :) " Goodbye, my random girl.