戒痕 (The Ring Mark)

I took the ring off. The ring I have been worn since Greece.

It was in the end of my self-finding journey in 2003. A ring that I hoped to bring me self-confident, wisdom and direction in life. For a while, I thought I have known what I want in my life after that dreamlike journey with myself in 2003.

However, once again, I am lost.

All I have got now is that clear ring mark on my finger to remind myself once upon the time I had found myself.

要好好愛自己

下了車，她轉過身，把口袋中那對我們一起買的髮束拆開。
拿著其中一個髮束，握著我的手說：
「妳收著，每當妳帶著它的時候，要記得-要好好愛自己！ 」
「喜歡上一個人是很幸福的！」 她說。

認識妳，是件很幸福的事！

那一夜，我決定把那一份關懷永遠帶在身上。
我會努力的好好愛自己 ─ 為妳、為我、為他。

He stabbed her with that foul dagger again

She huddled up as tight as she could so she could feel safer
with the minimum body exposure
She shaked with fear and started sobbing
She didn't know what to do, but hold every single part of her body together.
She felt filthy and she wanted to go home,
but she was too terrified to make any move.
She was dying at the corner that night, frighten!

He said he was sorry and she believed him
She wished it would be all over soon,
coz she knew, next time,
He may kill her.

My tears nor plaints would mollify a whit

I didn't deal with my disappointment that well in front of him but I was glad that at least I tried to fight for what I believe in and didn't bottle up. However, nothing got changed. ...

Yet he, whose heart is made of adamant or flints
My tears nor plaints would mollify a whit - my drama dialogue

When I walked out his office, I was once again very depressed and lost hope. What I have been working so hard for didn't get what it deserved. I still think I deserved better than what he gave to me and he hadn't been a fair supervisor. He apologised to me, but nothing got changed. However, I wasn't looking for getting better grades, but a justification/closure. At least I know I have done anything to justify myself and speak up. The rest (the actual grades I am getting) is easier to let go eventually.

After the exhausting meeting , I had no light in me and couldn't be bother to think of my first ever drama performance today, which I have been trying to keep it really quiet. Only very few people knew about me taking acting class. It took me 9 years to have the courage again to fulfill the dream I always I have. However, after the meeting I just felt nothing. I felt what's the point to even care! Things I worked for and dreamed for never deserve what it deserved. I am gonna sucks. I'll just once again to get proven that I am just not good enough. I'll be let down once again and get disappointed at something I really want.

I txted him, the only person that I wanted to be there, and asked him not to come. I didn't want him to see my failure again. A failure that's really going to burn me hard! And he didn't come.

Today, I live my life like a drama.

I miss you!

He was here and now he is gone.

I suddenly feel very lonely. It has been a while that I have someone to talk to, someone who has know me the longest, who is still around and still care. We spent hours just talk and catch up. It has been years since the last time we chated this long. I have never realised how much I miss him and now he is gone again.

Take care and good luck, my dearest friend.

2 Kiwis + 2 Slovaks

She came, from far-far-away, from my past, from a dreamland, from the best time of my life. It was weird to see someone who I met in a foreign land and to see her in my country as a foreigner herself now.

I learned my lessons and didn't drive through Newmarket three times ...Phew!!! (I really know my city well!! REALLY!). The weather wasn't the best, but it welcome my guest with its most typical way- 4 seasons in one day (or every 10 mins.)

I took her to some of the side streets where isn't very tourist's, but was my personal favourites.
Then all the suddenly, someone shut out,

"Micka!"
What? I haven't let this girl left my sight for the whole day since she arrived this afternoon and there is no way she has make friends in this country already without me noticing. But, what's the chance that there was another girl has as unique name as her? So both of us turn around to find out where did that voice came from?

The next thing I knew was I was in a classic slovak conversation again, just like 2 years ago.

It's his girlfriend.

How strange! This afternoon we were talking about how pity that we didn't know their contact detail in Auckland, and here we go, we met his slovak girlfriend in the middle of nowhere!!!The two kiwis, who met the two lovely slovak girls in BB, brought the two slovak girls to the kiwiland. And those two slovak girls found each other in this 1 million ppl city! What a story!

I was so happy to be in Slovak conversations again where I had no idea what's going on!! We had some wine at this very lived Greek bar with music and dancing. We talked about Slovakia, New Zealand, past and future, at present until so late that I had to take her home as she was flying out tomorrow to queenstown again!

I had so much fun today catching up with my past and sharing it with my present life. Soon, I am going to do it all over again with the German Machine!!!

I broke 323 test examples!!!

Oh~ Yeah! There are 323 test examples for this software programme I am using and I broke ALL of them!!! No one could use it until I fixed it :P

Beca Poster

"Now...the first prize for Beca poster 2005 goes to poster... #400..."
I couldn't hear what the award presenter said after that. My brain went frozen as I was overwhelmed by what I had just heard. I slowly turned to my left, looked up and murmured silently to him "It...it's me...."

"Well done!! Well done!!!" He pet on my back gently and looked down with a big smile on his face. He must have finished listening the whole announcement.

He was more excited about my winning than I was. Apparently I was way too cool/calm about this surprise and he thought I was pissed off at something or him. In fact I was just so in shock that I didn't react to it until I got back home!! I couldn't wait to tell my family while I was running/jumping into the house. I had to call Mum even we had spoken on the phone yesterday. Besides, there were our friends who didn't win anything in the prize giving and I tried to be as humble as I could as I felt bad about me winning and they didn't. What did I suppose to do? Go something like "Yeah!!! In your face!!"?! That would be just too cruel!

I still feel so excited about it. Not to mention the $2000 voucher prize from an electronic shop!!!!

"So...what are you going to buy?? A laptop? A mp3 player? A camera?" Ppl eagerly wanted to share my joy.

"Ummm.....I don't know...I am just thinking how to get cash from it...." How boring? I know! But that's me.....!!! I am a very cash-loving girl ;)

Being Understanding

I had no idea what I said in their wedding meant so much to her. She was so glad that finally someone can understand what she had to go through at the wedding- being in a foreign country and in a cross-culture relationship. I didn't mean to be understanding or sensitive. I was only saying things that I thought is appropriate and what I believe in.

I guess it's because I know exactly what it feel like personly, so the speech not only touched their hearts, but also sum up all her emotions perciously. Like in the Expectation, it's a gift to be able to understand one or the other. I was glad because of what I went through in the past, I touched another living being while she needed, so that now it gives a new meaning behind those disaster/mistake once I was suffering.

In return, she was there to support me for the same reason. We shared the feeling of being feeling outsider in a foreign country. It's really interesting to know how many feedback I got from sharing my own emotions. I am not only finding support from others, but also helping others to know they aren't alone facing the same challenges as me. We gave each other new stimulus to think of at the same time providing comfort to each other by being understanding.

It's such a gift to be able to understand others :D

A flashback

I always enjoy being invited by the organisation which I used to spend so much time and energy on coz I believed I was making a difference to the world. Being with it in the last 24hours again bring the eager, passionate, energetic and naive young me back. I have learned so much from the organisation and I was glad that I can contribute in a small way by sharing my own experience to the new enthusiastic young generation in the organisation.

Those ppl who joined at the same time with me have all move to the national level and my sweet secret friend has committed himself to be the president of the NZ in the organisation. Those newbies who I used to train or recruit are all actively involving in making the difference to someone's life. I wish I could have stayed in the organisation longer and wish I could have run some of the executive positions in the local committee or even a national level so that I could develop myself much further and have more impact on ppl's life.

However, I wouldn't exchange my precious 2003 with anything. I developed myself in a different spectrum and I am sure I made some differences to the ppl I came to in contact with. There are things in my life I wish I could have done more, but at the same time I wouldn't want to exchange what I had. After all, what makes who I am today is from what I did in my past. Things happened for their reasons and it always works out to be the best.

The sad thing is that those ppl who I used to admire when I was a new member was sitting in the same table as me- as alumni. That tells me how old I am becoming. Sign~~ The party was as wild/dodgy as I ever could remember and I barely had energy to keep up all sort of crazy or exotic dancing. I am getting too old.....:(

It has been a good weekend to get in touch with my past and remember what I used to believe in. In a way, it helps me to see what kinds of life I am looking for and I wish I'll make some life decision based on what I learned this weekend.

Expectation

He is just a friend!

He is just a friend!

No expectation!!
No expectation!!

Why does it have to be so hard!!!
Why does it have to be so hard!!!

Energy bubble shield!!!!
Energy bubble shield!!!!

He couldn't understand how I feel as he has never gone through what I have gone through. I was vulnerable, in need and had too much expectation from him so I forgot that all the emotions were coming from me and I am the only one be able to resolve how I felt, not him. I was expecting too much from him, and I forgot that he is only an individual and he doesn't necessary understand me.

It's not his time or place yet and maybe he isn't meant to go through what I went through at all. All the suffering I was going through has a meaning in my life. It may have seen to be a total disaster or mistake at the time but over time, I start to see the same thing with different perspective. I now see them as something I'll be glad to have in the future. They can either/both helped me to develop my potential or/and help other.

It's a gift that be able to understand other's pain and I have been lucky enough to go through few in my journey with many others. Hopeful, I'll be wiser then and help many others in the future. He was surprised that I was able to understand where he is coming from. I guess because I would have had the same reaction or even worse if he asked me something like that 4weeks ago. Maybe he is more mature than I am in certain ways that he didn't ask me that question.

Birthday Surprise

My family doesn't celebrate each others birthday much, but I enjoy organising friends' when I have some cool ideas!!

It was all worth it when I embarrassed both of them by having a group of us singing 'Happy Birthday' song loudly at the office. She and I kneeled down spontaneously when she opened the jewellery we bought. And then hearing them said "Oh! It's my favour chocolate!!" or "It's the coolest and the best present this year!!!", were priceless!!

Her MP3 player present was especially tricky, but I really want to get her something that she'd love and is practical. I had to pretend to ask for her advice for getting my brother a MP3 player to find out which model and what colour she likes the best. Then we went through all the trouble with 3 different sellers and found out the colour she likes is not available any more, but it was so worth it to see her jumping out of her chair with this stunned expression on her face when she saw her present. The cool thing is that she keeps telling ppl that it's the best present and she can't believe that I tricked her :)

Happy Birthday, Girls!!

Insurance Premium

I know that I am doing the right thing, but when things involve with money, I am just not as 灑脫 (free and easy) as I could have been.

The insurance company found out accidentally that I am the main driver of the red car during Mum’s awayness and insisted that I had to change me as the main driver in the policy, which means that the premium is going up for double as I have no history of insuring as a main driver of any cars with the company. My first reaction was anger and felt that the insurance company is all about $money$ and evil. I meant to just put my name down for the casual driver so I would be covered and save some premium, but it ended up that I had to pay more than I started with. Of course, I wasn't feel happy at all. I was also in a hope to change the policy from the full standard policy to only 3rd party, fire & theft, but NOOOOOO…..the car is too valuable that I can’t!! However, after I calmed down few hours later, I tried to see it from their point of view and decided to be honest and made the change.

Now, I feel proud of myself even my wallet is thinner coz I no long need to fight with my moral or think about dodgy ways to get myself out of the back door. He is right! It’s better to be above-board*[friend, 2005]. This instance also like a mirror which reflects that I am not always so morally perfect and there are things I should work on, such as greediness.

* "Above board" is a part of the phrase "all fair and above board." It means that everything is done legally, there is nothing shady/dodgy going on. I'm not sure whether it's a nautical term (as in everything is visible above the deck (ie you're not smuggling anything)) or whether it refers to everything being above the table (you will have heard the phrase "cash under the table," meaning that no tax is paid). Either way, it means that you aren't lying or cheating...

Birthweekend

Happy Birthweekend!!!

It has been a busy but pleasant weekend to celebrate his birthday. There was a dinner party, a soaking golf, a family dinner, and a taking birthday boy out dinner. I gave him different gifts each day, including the best thrilling and intriguing book of the year-my thesis, Modelling the Slow Wave in the Small Intestine and its Associated Magnetic Field.

Surprisingly, I had so much fun this time with his friends at his dinner party. I guess what didn't kill you really makes you stronger. I survived through the 5days kiwi holiday, so 6 hours was just nothing especially I found a way to deal with my uneasiness in his world.

I have always thought it has something to do with different cultures but I've realised that it has more to do with who is leading the conversation in the group. I felt strongly neglected when someone (which is not me) conducts a one-to-one conversation in a group for too long, especially when the someone is one of my close friends. It was easier to take some actions after I acknowledged the source of my uneasiness. I tested my little theory at his party and it worked like magic. I found out as long as I stayed out of his dominating conversation groups, I can deal with others just fine. I couldn't believe that I rather to talk to someone who may hate me than staying with him.

Yet, for a long long time, I finally have a great time in a group.

The Story

He wrote her a story. A story about how ppl react, socialise and interact with others at the party. It is a snapshot of 7 ppl's lives for an instant. It amazes me not only the way he portrayed ppl's personalities-so sharp, so deep, but also maybe he is not as insensitive as he looked like after all. He not only investigated the underlying issue of ppl's behavious, but also blend some personal experience into the story and brought them to live. It's a very stylish story and I like it.

I quickly identified myself with all the female characters even I wasn't in the story.

"...It seemed that she had been alone for most of her life, despite a bubbly personality, a respectable set of morals and a habit for selflessness"
"...Crossing the room involved a shower of attention, which she absorbed with a flurry of hugs, greetings and snapshots of conversations"
"...was surrounded by people she didn't know, and was feeling more than a little out of place...whether or not she should have made a bit more of an effort at the party. She had made some effort, but she hadn't been outgoing by any stretch of the imagination"

They are all part of me, despite you may have never notice my multi personalities. I always choose which side of me I want ppl to see. Yet. It's entirely possible that I modify myself because of the company.

So, how much do you know me ;) ?

Disfigured

I had a such interesting bad allergy reaction in the last couple of days. My pretty face is all swollen with little red dots all over my face and body. I tried not to scratch them, but it's unbearable itchy! The strange thing is that it only happen at night. I guess 老天爺 (god) is still looking after me after all.

I suspect it's either
1. The Rye cracker from HER
2. The chicken burger at the dinner
3. My new resolution of using stairs rather than the lift (coz I am getting fat :( )

According to the doctor, it's more likely the chicken burger. But to be scientific, I'll wait until my horrible allergy comes down and try the Rye cracker from her again. Her God must try to punish me coz I always stealing her food. Umm...maybe I should stop that.

If the cracker turns up to be safe, then it's the chicken. I have rule out the stairway as I have tried again the next day of my allergy. Does that mean I'll stop going to the chicken burger place? Nah! I'll have to try it again and to be 100% sure ;)

I am such a scientist!

"Hey! Do you have the ethical approval?!!!!" She chased after me and yelled.

可愛的笨笨媽

I should never think little of my Mum ever again.

I was MSNing with 乾姐 (a good friend) in Taiwan while she had just get off from the phone with my Mum who was looking for my cellphone number. Gee...She only has just moved to Taipei for her new job and I don't even have her new cellphone number!! Who would have thought my Mum would be one step ahead of me already and get her number!! How did Mum trace her down? I am terrified with her detective skill!! Then, 3 hours later, my bf in New Zealand called me anxiously and asked "Did your Mum find you?"

That is just too spooky!! I have to be extreme careful from now on!! When this woman wants something from her daughter, she finds her way. It's not the 笨笨媽 (clumsy Mum) I used to know. It's very like a professional! I am not only impressed, but also awed. Maybe she used to work for some sort of secret agency, mob or Mafia... Nah! Not a chance!! What kind of dumb agent would have everyone else's cellphone number around the world, BUT her own daughter!

可愛的笨笨媽！！(Dear clumsy Mum!!)

His Holiday

I knew it was not gonna be a happy relaxing holiday for me, but I went. For him.

The two hours drive down there was in dead silence between us. I wasn't so sure whether it's a comfortable silence for him or not. It didn't start well that day or week. I was feeling neglected as he had been declining all my nice gestures for a week and said nothing about his last soccer game or how I was gonna meet him up for the holiday. I had been restrained myself not to be stubborn as I normally would (A big thumb up for that!). It upset me that I couldn't express my feeling about the play I watched that afternoon. Somehow, I just couldn't put my thought in words and it made me feel very frustrated. And his incidental I-don't-know-what-to-say "Okay~" made me feel even worse. I wish I could use a cable to plug from my head to his and everything would be clicked without saying. A lot of thoughts went through my troubled mind during that two hours. In short, I was cherishing the memory of the past and scared the difficult challenging 5 days ahead of me (us).

We arrived before others as they got lost on the way. I have to admit that it did cross my mind that I wish they would have never shown up so that it would be my kind of holiday, but it wouldn't have been his and they did show up in the end. The first two days were miserable. I knew he had a lot of fun, because of others, but not because of me. I felt very lonely, uncomfortable and tiring in his world as I saw The Difference between us. I couldn't help but felt useless and dumb; I couldn't make him laugh; I couldn't make him happy. All I am was a 絆腳石 (stumbling stone/obstacle) to let him have fun. He was happier without me. It was easy to perceive the contrast between his having fun with others and our awkward silence when we were by ourselves alone. I wish I could be stronger, so I didn't have to keep going to the bathroom or pretending to yawn so that I can carefully wipe out my 不爭氣 (unworthy) tears. Stubbornness and competitiveness are just a bad combination for my personality. It didn't help but made me feel even lonely when he said he couldn't understand why I felt the way I felt. Fortunately (for him) or unfortunately (for me), he has never had the need or chance to live in other cultures and to fight his way to fit in using second language. I looked up the vast sky that night with countless stars quietly and thought of the line I once wrote down 13 years ago-

星空中的兩顆星 (Two stars in the Milky Way)
看起來似乎很近 (Seem so close)
其實他們的距離 (But the distance between them)
好遠 好遠 (Is so far far away)

I like all his friends but they also forced me to face up the fact that I am so different from him. "Maybe someone like her would make him happier. She is cool and I am not" I thought, like a 怨婦 (resentful woman). I was jealous of the way they flirted with each other, but I couldn't know what to do or say. I felt handicapped. I don't know how to play with words wittily coz I don't have enough words or common sense; I can't answer a single Trivial Pursuit question coz I don't even understand the question; I don't understand the joke they laugh to death; I don't know how to show my anger when he crashed the car and I don't know how to show my jealousy when he was having fun with her.

In his world, I am handicapped.

I knew I couldn't have avoided feeling this way and that's why I had been always hesitated to take this trip right from the start. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it wasn't any better than my self fulfill prophecy.

"Did you have fun?"He asked me in the end of the trip and thought I did. I guess I did/act well overall to make sure he had a good time during his holiday. That's all the matter, I thought. After all, it's his holiday, not mine. Apart from the first two tearful days which lead me to a very drunk 3rd night, I did end up having some fun occasionally even I was counting days every night. Surprisingly I enjoyed playing Scrabble and Charades even I wasn't very good at it but I could at least make up something sometimes. I am not so sure it's because of the breakfast in bed he made me, my crystals or my stubbornness personality but I had a boost of energy to continue fighting this challenge/battle. What didn't kill you makes you stronger! Now I know the next time when I am in a pure kiwi group situation and feeling handicapped again, I can survive through it and last at least 5 days!

Going Home

I haven't been back to my home country myself for 5 years. Last time was a very special trip to my life. I confronted my darkest memory alone, which allowed me to trust men again and met my boyfriends later. I fulfilled my dream of making up for not being there for the University life. That was the dream got left behind when I came to NZ. I travelled all around that little island and visited as many universities, my friends and night markets as I could to have a taste of what I was missing. All my friends and I picked up where we left like we had never been apart. I could talk to friends openly and shared all sort of things that ppl in their early 20 should talk about, but I couldn't here in NZ. I did my first backpacking experience in my home country!

Five years later, I am taking two of my best kiwi friends home and I am freaking out. I still have the excitement of going home like I always do, but I am also scared of screwing it up. I have never shown any foreigners my country before and I am not really that familiar with that island anymore. They are coming to Taiwan because of me and they have only 13 days. That thought keeps me up at night sometimes and planning the trip have become my main focus these days. The first thing in the morning in the last 2 weeks has been checking emails from participators and travel consultant and organising the flight. There were different airlines, different stopover options, different departure and paid dates, different airfare, different airport and fuel tax to be considered. I have been practicing my Operation Research skill to optimise the objective function, i.e. cheapest airfare, maximum days in Taiwan, limited holiday leave they can take, matching with my German friend's visit in NZ, coming back for X'mas etc. etc....Meeting up everyone's priority was a challenge. However, I think we finally reach an agreement of the departure date (I hope!!).

Now, I only need to tell my German friend to book his flight to NZ, start organsing his tour in NZ, make sure all 4 of us (1 German+2 kiwis and me) can fly with different airlines but arrive in Taiwan in the same weekend (the same date is out of question already) safely without losing one or the other and THEN I can start worrying about where to take them in Taiwan. Gee.....So SIMPLE!!

I promised him not to worry to meet my family, but I think he should more worry about all my friends who want to meet him eagerly. She said, "Don't worry, we are all nice and we don't bite!!"

"Oh, dear!" I can see his reaction on this.

Addiction

It's really bad to be addicted to something and can't control yourself.

Sadly, I have allowed myself to rely on them in my daily life so that I can be full of energy everyday in the last 4 months. It used to be by choice, then percussion and I thought I can stop using them anytime I want. But now I can't live my life without them. The excuse of being stressed isn't applied anymore after my Masters so I have decided it's time to challenge myself and quit.

It was very difficult in the first day. I failed as I didn't really put up a fight with my urge. The following days were hard and I badly sleep at the night.....Then things get slightly easier after a while. The biggest success so far was sleeping with my teddy bear in the other bed rather than mine! I have come clean for 6 days so far!!!!!

Hi, my name is Dandelion and I am a ear-plugs-holic.

Negative comments

I don't know what to do every time he expresses his options or critises on something or someone negatively. I know it's not his fault, but I can't stop taking it personal or finding it offensive. Most of time, it is because I have someone I know who matches the thing he is critising or even I know I could be like that too. That's why they really IRRITATE me.

For example, last night, he and his sister were wondering some of the English names we Asians took. I knew they weren't really laughing at them, but I didn't feel very comfortable especially, I have a good friend who has the name they think only ppl who is more than 60 years old would have it in this country. I was very disturbed, but I don't know what to do or say. I was angry, but I also knew they weren't 惡意中傷 (defaming intentionally) my friend. Some other time, he may critise the movie is crap, but I again feel irritated, because I either have friends who would love the film or myself enjoy it. Or, he said he hates ppl who just stop in the middle of the road or corridor and I know many others and myself must have done the same and even himself has done it from time to time.

Such kind of negative comments really bug me and I really don't know how to deal with it. Currently, I just tell myself that I am not perfect either and there are some personalities of his that I really admire but I can't do it myself, so it would be unfair to want him to be more open minded.

Any one has a better advice? I could really use some help here.

Balance sheet

Check bounced fine $20
Overdraft interest $0.57
Phone Bill to Finland $66.09
Dinner with family $139

Salary paid $918.18

Yeah!!! Good to get paid!!
I am sure all the expenses were well spent and priceless. (Even the check got bounced? Come on it's funny!)

Assumptions

It's interesting how the nature of human mind work. We seem to assume the worst when we expect to hear from the other but don't.

I used to feel very anxious, rejected, neglected and furious every time if I didn't get any responses after I pull my heart out to express my feeling and try to communicate. It was very frustrating because I felt I was shouting at a stony wall without any echo. I assumed the letter or emails got missing, he just doesn't care enough to talk back, or all I have accused or assumed in my email are all true. Now I find the same theory can be applied on the Blog.

I haven't post anything here for two weeks and he starts getting worry coz he assumed I am still in the same status of mind as my last post which was rather dark. However, it was very nice of him writing me a long comment to share his own experience and support me as a true friend. I am sorry to hear about the similar journey, but glad that he could understand what I was going through.

How am I now? Better. Thank you my friend.

My Overdue Holiday

My long overdue holiday finally came around.

Didn't get dinner was the biggest mistake, but the best mistake for the wallet. After 12 hours famine, I was so thankful to have that big breakfast (hum...it's more like dinner, breakfast and lunch in one)!! Despite didn't have much sleep because of the hunger, we had a great afternoon. The weather was perfect so we walked around the vineyard and soaked us into the sun and the nature in Waiheke Island. I was camera free, diary free and map free!! Can you believe it? "Well, Relax~~ It's Holiday!!!!!" I said to myself.

We didn't see many ppl (maybe 3?) during our relaxing walk, but we were haunted by "The University of Auckland" shockingly. It was the least thing we would have expected to see in this little island 35 mins from Auckland during holiday. However, this unignoreable disturbing sign was right in front of us at the beginning of our walk. "NOOOO~~We just can't get away from it, can we?" we grinned at each other. Then, we walked around this evil wine science property of the university while he was telling me more cool Roman history. I wonder is it possible he is gonna run out of the stories one day?

He made us some walking sticks which ended up being very useful in walking, Jedi fighting and playing baseball and hockey. I was very geeky to talk about electrical waves and Window XP when we were enjoying the breeze, the scenery and the sunset. I blame the degree I am doing....Damn you, Modelling the slow wave in the small intestine and its associated magnetic field!! (Umm....my baby is growing up and I start getting annoyed at it sometimes.)

The dinner was great except the wine I had. I was really busy talking, eating with my hands, waving my fork and knife and making a sharp loud noise when I cut the plate rather than the yummy ribs. I think the plate almost chipped...How embarrassed!! I talked a lot of my childhood stories due to he said "Tell me something I don't know" during our walk. I guess I have never talked much about myself and he may be starting being sick of being the one always talking. After dinner we walked back to the hostel and I was so tired that I went to bed at 9pm and slept more than 12 hours until the next day. Thanks to my genius ear plugs!!

The weather forecasting was right AGAIN and it was cloudy and raining. I like listening to the rain with my eyes closed. I can hear the rain hit on the plastic roof, on the leave, on the branch, on the water puddle, on the stone, on the ground, on the flags, on the bells and on all sort of different material. It was a very peaceful moment for me that morning with my own nature orchestra.

After lunch (Platter seemed to be the theme for the weekend), we fought for our taxi and caught our ferry just in time (A typical Anita holiday has to involve some sort of "almost" missing transportation).

It was a very easy-lazy holiday! I spend time relaxing with a good company without much fights (I think both of us tried hard not to touch each others button for a change) and I didn't blow up my EUR$50 a day budget at all!! Thanks to the 12 hours famine!

Morning Call

I got a morning call right before my alarm went off. A friend from far far away from a familiar land-Slovakia.

After a warm greeting, he put me on to her. Ahoj moja mala!!! They have just been to the wedding party in Hungary and she is showing him her home town, the same way she did to me. RN,RN....where I have my last memory of Europe. I remembered the day clearly. The snow, the cold, the bus station, the window, the last goodbye, the love and the tear. Phew~ What a memory!

It has been a great morning to touch the past and plan the future. I am looking forwards this summer/winter (umm...depends on which hemisphere you are referred to.)

Workshop

The main character in the movie Fight Club went to all sort of support groups. Now I see why. This weekend, I went to a workshop and I can see myself get really addicted to it for a very similar reason.

Ppl with different ages, different background and different stories for different reasons came together and shared a few days journey together. You didn't know me and I didn't know you, but suddenly we became more open mind to each other than ever because of the nature of the workshop and because we aren't likely gonna see each other ever again.

If we all travel in a linear manner, then it's amazing to think that there were 11 of us suddenly collide at the same time and same place for a blink of our life time. There were some sparks between some of them. Some big, some small. We only let others peeked into the part we wanted to project out during the workshop and leave each other a wide space for the imagination.

I learned more than just the workshop. I see snapshots of ppl's lives and it amazes me always how ppl live their lives differently and how they think diversely. There was a wide variety of ppl, from mid-life crisis, young actress chasing her dream, losing partner, accounting lecturer, business consultant etc. They all carried different burden with different fantasy dreams and I was glad they shared mine too.

An Unproductive Week

"Why are you still here? You shouldn't be here! Didn't you finish your thesis? You should really go on holiday?" He said.
"If not for months, at least a weekend. The backpack in bay of island is only about $20." He said.

"Or Waiheke Island" She jointed in.

"You really need to go out and refresh yourself a bit before you come back seriously. It's for your own good" He added.

"You like movies eh? Then, you should go and rent all the DVDs or go have some fun. You shouldn't stay late! That's just wrong" He said.

I must have look pretty shit these days coz everybody is asking me the same thing - why don't you take a holiday? and keep reminding me that I could really use a good long holiday. I am really tired of answering that without getting even more depressed. But seriously I am really not getting anything done these days. My productivity at work is nearly zero. My mind is shut, my mood is grey, I can't remember how to smile and all I want to do is writing my Blog to get my thoughts down.

It's almost 9pm on a Friday night and I am still at Bio. I think they are right. I am pathetic!!

The Difference

I never want to admit my uncomfortable and fear of feeling not fit in in the kiwi culture, but in a group of kiwis, I do feel lonely and scared sometimes. It doesn't help if all of them are my friends or even my best friends. I can deal with one perfectly well at the time. Two are getting a bit tricky. Three are just pushing. Even I am half-kiwi by now, there are still a lot of things I don't know. When someone says something in the group, they have enough common ground to catch up with each other and that's time I feel I am not a kiwi at all.

"I can understand how you feel coz I felt the same when you were with him even you were both speaking English in front of me." She said. "And I don't even need to deal with it everyday" She continued

I was in a similar situation when I was travelling, but I only spent a short period of time at each place and I was only passing by. Strangely, I didn't find any difficulties in a group of trainees even they were mainly from the white society. The thing is we all came from different backgrounds, so there is no so called majority common ground. However, here in New Zealand, I am the minority and it's so easy to get neglected in a group especially I have difficulties to speak up in a group where I don't feel confident enough to do so. And I don't like that.

Every time I walk into such situation, I have to prepare myself to have enough positive energy shield so I won't get upset too much when I find myself not belong to the group. I can do few hours or a day or two, but 5days is a lot to ask for.

"It is not a holiday if you have to prepare yourself!" She said. I know I am not gonna have fun, but I was willing to challenge myself and compromise for him because it makes him happy and because I care. But if he doesn't care about my holiday, why should I.

I don't think he knows what it feels like even after I tried to explain. I guess I can't blame him. He has never needed to survive through that kind of situation in a daily based. That's part of reasons I want to take him back to Taiwan, so he can at least understand what he asked is not a simple thing.

The more I am in this kind of situation, the more I see the difference between us and the more I feel pessimistic about the future. Yes, being different is interesting coz you have endless things to talk about, but at the same time you look for similarities to be belong to something, to be heard and to be understood.

"Maybe there is a reason they say you should only date your own race." She said.

I am considering the possibility of going home...

Auckland Ambassadors

I think I pass my first attend as a hostess in the last 2days. A friend of a friend was passing Auckland for 24hours and she trusted me enough to take care of her, so I shouldn't let her down. Moreover, I wouldn't miss the chance to meet an attractive Slovak girl and practice my poor Slovak language. She is a very lovely girl and a superwoman. I was very impressed that after 34+ hours travelling, she could still go up and down Mt. Eden without feeling tired (My legs were so sore after walking the entire afternoon and she was still okay!). Of course it's not because I was lost, but shopping was so important that I had to show her the Newmarket 3 times. Oh...about didn't see the beach? I am pretty sure the Rangitoto Island was still there.....but going to Mission Bay at night just not really a smart idea. I promise, I'll show her next time!! Poor her, she had to be my first guinea-pig as an Auckland ambassador. Hey, but now I know better than ever how to be a better hostess!!

I hope I have done well enough to make sure she felt comfortable and safe like many other did to me when I was oversea. It's like the movie "Pay it Forward". There is no way I can do or say thank you enough to those who took me in like family. All I can do is pay it forward to others who are also in need and give them the best experience in New Zealand. It is great to know that I have the ability and the chance to do the same to her.

I was also very impressed with him last night considering that he hasn't been took in kindly by others like I did. He was very kind and very mature for the whole evening. He opened door for her, let her sit at the front, chatted with the appropriate humour and took us out for dinner like a real gentleman.

Thank you for being so wonderful!!

Holiday v.s. Travelling

My perspective of holiday has changed through the years.

A holiday for me is a resting period. Doing nothing, saying nothing, letting all the thoughts flow in and out my mind without worrying right or wrong. It's a very passive kind of relaxation, but the best. The ideal holiday would be laying within someone's arms peacefully without doing or saying anything, but loved.

Travelling is definitely not a holiday. A lot of preparations, researches and organisations are involved and there is always some sort of purpose to be fulfilled. You have to be very active. It's very exciting but tiring. I think I either am getting older, less adventurous or have enough travelling already. It's not as appearing to me as before anymore. There is a conference in Praha which I fall in love with in the first sight; the bridge, the hot chocolate, the music, and the fairy-tale romantic atmosphere. Many ppl would expect me to jump on it without a second thought and make the dream come true again. However, I decided not to apply.

There is no much point to be any of those places by myself again. I have had the best time of my life there. The ppl, the timing, the mood and most importantly me are all different now. They are all gone. They are all gone 2 years ago. I am gonna feel depressed, sad and lonely if I go. The trip is just gonna be a business purpose rather than a holiday or even a travelling. However, what strike me is that I realise the only way to provoke my eagerness to revisit those special places again is be with someone special, someone I love. I know I am still gonna be very emotional when I get there, but having someone to share those with would give those places a new meaning.

I wish someday I can go back and fulfill this dream with someone I love.

雨後就一定天晴嗎？

After 12 days low pressure, the hurricane finally came through.
After rain, does it always come with sun? (雨後就一定天晴嗎？)
I didn't see rainbow this time

No longer

She plays soccer.
She has just finished her PHD.
She has just got back from a 8 days holiday.

"With whom? Your boyfriend?" I asked.
"I don't have a boyfriend" She said in a plain tone.
"But....."
"Yup, no longer"

I felt sad, intruded and sorry for her and for myself.

Silly me

"What if he calls me like his sister when I am in the class tonight?" I thought with anxiety naively.

Then, it strikes me few seconds later.

"Beng dan!(Silly egg in Chinese) It's Tuesday. You are safe! Soccer!!" felt silly and sour.

What did I miss?!

It started like this...
"Do you like him?" A girl asked her.
"If he wants to know the answer, ask him to come here and ask me himself!" She said.

A moment later... He came and asked nervously.
"So.....do you like me?"
"um...Yes, I did... but I really just get to know you this year. It's too early to say..." She replied shyly.

Then, like movies, in a week, there are numerous emails, MSN conversation and non-stop SMS between them. They found out how much they are alike and how they liked each other at the same time at different period of times in the last 3-4 years without each other noticing. And of course, there is the best friend of his who likes her also. And a mate of the best friend who is helping him to get her attention on him rather than him. For a good story, you must have a good friend of hers is keen on her ex and worry there is still something between them. Of course, the ex has to be one of his best friends too, so he couldn't have taken any actions until now.

"You are truly gorgeous, smart, beautiful, and lovely in all aspects" He said to her in Spanish and French.
"Make sure you don't wake up from this beautiful dream before I do" He said with hope.

They are from a 15 years old boy to a 14 years old girl before the school holiday finishes. And they aren't even dating yet!!!! Gee....What did I miss when I was 14!!! or even err....ever!!!! *Sign*, they share the same name disturbingly. Can I swap, I thought wishfully?

I start understanding why my Mum like reading romantic novels.

A Long Day

"It is easy to stand on the side of the person that is right =)" She said. Oh, Yeah! What a wicked friend she is!!

My very busy day started with getting up at 7am and played some real badminton. Then, I had a real movie night out coz I had popcorn and coke for the first time (Shh...even it was a kids combo) following by chatting with friends until I lost my voice, which I haven't done it for quite a long time. It was surprisingly to know that I actually have an interesting life story to tell even sadly, I had the most dirty secret stories amongst us all. I think we are getting old coz we start enjoying talking about our past and it took hours....:( Damn... I don't want to be older! I am still 17!!

I know who I am going on holiday with this weekend though- Harry!!! Yeah!! He rocks!

It has been a weird week

I gave birth to my 11 babies exhaustingly, felt high for 24 hours, felt depressed for 24 hours, got pissed off, attended an wedding in spirit, talked to friends from 2003, got my check bounced, got a job, invited stranger to stay with me, MICQ is coming to NZ soon and NOW? The German machine called me! The best of all, he is coming to see me this year!!! I can't believe it!! How cool is that! Of course, I am holding my breath until I hug him at the airport for real even he always keeps his words. I am also gonna take him back to Taiwan with me and spent sometimes with another ZTG. We just need another Finn, then we would be completed!!!

I am Free!!

Besides all the uncertainties of the future and personal life, it has been a good day.

I cleaned my desk (ehh...it is actually still in progress), had $$ meeting, sent my baby theses away to say thank you to various ppl (byebye babies), played badminton (was rather boring), got told that I'll be paid from yesterday even I was on holiday (Yah!! $$), my check got bounced (it's so funny!), offered some random chick who I have never met to stay with me (Come on! She is Slovak. I just can't say no to them), didn't do any work today (Yah!!), checked out new bus stop (had to. coz no one giving me ride home), stared the way ppl holding hands (I know... but I was so bored), made sure I ate some dinner and chocolate (well, no one is gonna take care of me, so I had to), watched my favourite TV show(Go girl power!), wrote few blogs and my house is so clean when I am upset!

My check got bounced!!

I thought I would be anxious, but surprisingly I didn't.

Just when I signed my contract and sell my soul to the wonderful academia so that I can get some $$ and fame, I realised that my check got bounced!! I have no idea what consequence that I am facing, but hey...I am not really that worry. In fact, I found it very FUNNY!

Poor binder, I hope he got his money in the end. I don't have that much evidence left with me anyway as I have been giving all my "babies" away. Three of them are on their way to Singapore, US and United Arab Emirates and the rest are somewhere in Auckland...

Something means more than MY HOLIDAY

Why can everybody else see how important this holiday is for me, but him!! I have never wanted to have a holiday so badly in my life. And sadly, I only wanted him to be with me.

I did plan and book my holiday (That's the matter I thought. At least I know I can control my own happiness rather than by some stupid man), but I didn't go in the end. My holiday mood was totally ruined by him unfortunately. Without him, it's not my dream holiday anymore. There was no point to spend the time/energy/money coz I knew I was not gonna enjoy it. Dame you, man. I failed, I know. He could have made me so happy, but it has been a miserable weekend.

So instead, I had to put my mind on something else. Something means as much or even more than my holiday. Something that my love/heart/effect would be appreciated. Thus, I spend all my time/energy/money to make another man happy. It was totally wicked to live on Finnish time for two days. She and I had a number of SMS and phone calls, so I can be updated on all the details and excitement. I got to talk to him before the wedding and supported him with all my heart. Then I got told live when they said "I do" in two different languages. It was all worth it, even I had to get up and made another phone call at 3am in the morning! I was told my speech was so beautiful that ppl cried. He is such a sweet and sensitive guy. He was still crying when I called. I guess my first wedding speech was a big hit. Their journey has just started (just receiving another SMS from him as they are leaving the reception in their "Just married" car which had a bit of trouble) and I am glad that I was part of it. Thank you for letting me be part of it.

He also told me that I won the bet. What a respected true love! I envy you!! Best wishes!! I meant every single words I said at your wedding! Congratulation! Moj Mala!

I WANT a HOLIDAY!!! RIGHT NOW!!

I don't think I am a happy person by default. My happiness seems to only last for few mins and then I go all depressed again.

I blame the wine I had, it made me very upset during this loving celebration dinner. I really WANT a HOLIDAY!!! I want to get out!! Get out of this city! Get away from everyone else but be with someone who I really miss in the last couple days. BUT NO!!! Some stupid soccer game has higher priority than me!! Even the chance he can play on Saturday is low coz of his twist ankle. Even I can see his point, I am still angry and upset.

I didn't ask too much, did I? All I want was a holiday and I want to spent it with him, no one else!! I didn't ask him to take an extra day off for me even I really want to go away and come back on Monday night. I have already compromised, haven't I? I hinted and then I gave up coz I knew guys are just so slow that they never gonna take the hints, so I ASKED. Do I have to beg?! Besides the 'NO', he even wants me to take holiday FOR HIM with his friends and dump those shits on me such as "if you don't want to you don't want to" when I said I can't take any holiday after next Tuesday.

"We should never depend on other for happiness. We should dream alone, and live alone" She said.

"Yes, I agree and we should all die alone! " I said.

Mother Blue

I got very depressed after I finished. It's called mother blue aka post-pregnancy depression.

The thesis has been the focus of my life in the last 18months and it was everything I was working for in the last few weeks. Now suddenly it's gone. It's all gone. I am scared. I don't know what to do next. I have to start something which I really want again. And I don't know what I want. I feel very empty and lost. I have nothing to live for tomorrow. I know I should be happy, I should be celebrating, but I am so scared right now!!

Proud Mother

I have just picked up my babies. All 11 of them from the binders. They look so beautiful!!! I'm a proud mother!!!!

Faithless Games

After an hour sleep, I was back in the City for THE MOVIE. It was the last screening in the film festival and I had to see it. After all, it is a Slovakian film and that's all the matter.

I just wanted to make sure that I didn't understand the language and I still don't!

It took me a while to start watching the movie coz I was trying to listen to the movie rather than reading the subtitle, but soon I had to give up. I still don't understand enough it to make sense. However, when the husband said 'Pekne' ironically to the wife, I laughed before everyone else, then the subtitle came out later and the rest of audience follow my lead. The feeling was great!!!!

I was slow to recognise the place even that cathedral and the name of the space were so familiar. I blame the lack of sleep and my thesis. Half way through the film, I suddenly clicked!!!! It is THE Sturovo and THE Esztergom. I was playing water in THAT Danube between those two cities!! That's where we had our 5 passports photo taken and get our stampo by walking across that bridge. That's where I met Peter and Eva. That's where we all got pretty drunk and some of the doddgy stories/rumors came out the next days. That's where I climbed up a tree and played hide and see with the other. I was THERE!!!

Movie itself was great too. It's kind of drama that you know it could be real. It doesn't have all those fake climax in most of drama film, but it has those daily drama in your and my lives. I really envy the couple can express their feeling to each other through the music. It's something I have never able to it even I have been playing piano for so long. In fact, I always afraid of commenting what the music is all about. I have no idea whether or not this music is depressing/sad/happy/cheerful/emotional. Another thing amazes me is how ppl can just sleep with someone so easily without feeling shameful. How can a kiss or a touch loss your judgment so easily. This world is too weird to understand for me sometimes.

The Drive

The way to the binder was the most difficult journey that I have ever taken. I would never recommend anyone who was in the status of mine to drive like I did. It was so hard to concentrate after a lack of sleeping. I see things but not really seeing it, if you know what I mean. I had to pick the most annoying radio channel and had my left hand keep punching my leg to keep myself awake. I didn't know what the binder was saying, I just kept saying 'okay' and nodding my head for no reason.

However, I was safe home after dropping my 11 babies to him!

Given Birth

It's gonna be short as I am so exhausted......

Doing a Master is like giving birth- long and painful right before it all happened but the joy afterward is humungous (still need to find that part out slowly....Right now, can't feel anything). Just let you all know that I have finally given birth to my 11 babies few mins ago (The mother and her babies are all safe) after some real fight and tears. Now I am about to go to the binder after a night without sleep!....My first time too see the sunrise for uni work......I wouldn't say I can get used to it.....so tired!! so tried.......

anywho....see you all soon after I recover from it....last night was such a long night.

Thank you all for helping me through this!!!

Jeans and Heater

So, you thought you are so smart that you put cloth and jeans on the top of the heater in the early freezing morning so you won't tremble and scream when you put them on?

Think again!!! Don't put the side with zip on the heater ever! Why not? Coz it BURNS!! And the worst of all, you can't put the jeans on until the metal zip colds down and you end up half naked for few mins!!! Not something you want to do in the morning!

It gives you a really unique mark though. However, it's not worth it as ppl laugh at you when you try to get some sympathy...

The Burma Benefit Dinner

I didn't know anything about Burma or heard about the name of Aung San Suu Kyi before; that made a enough reason to go to the benefit dinner.

It was a very casual dinner with a completed new experience. I get to know Aung San Suu Kyi and what she has been fighting for-the democracy and the freedom for her people. She could have enjoyed her life happily with her family in England, but she decided it means more to do something about her home country. She couldn't see her husband before he died, coz she was arrested in Burma and she hasn't seen her two children for 2-3 years when the documentary was filmed which she looked like in her late 30. Yesterday was her 60 years old birthday and she was under her 3rd house arrest again. Then, another documentary was shown, which was very heavy after the meal. It showed current Burma living situation. Citizen run away from village into jungle for surviving because the Burma government army attacks them so often. They burn down their houses, took their stocks and leave nothing for them. Kids want to get education, but they can't. Ppl lose their family...etc.

There are ppl who are lucky enough to flee out the country, but what kind of future do they have in the refugee camp? My friend showed us her slices which she took when she was visiting one of the refugee camp in Thailand. The funeral cost 3 tires and one whisky coz they can't afford any thing more! They have to fight for the basic human right/need, which while I have taken as grounded. I couldn't never understand what it must feel like, but I am glad that I know about it. It makes me laugh at my own problems coz comparing what they have to go through in a daily life, mine are nothing!

The food was interesting too. Very similar to most of Asian food, but very spicy. The sweets were more exotic and I enjoyed it more as I got a lot ;) Their dance were similar to Thailand with a lot of hand and finger movements. The whole evening was an open eye culture experience and inspire me to do some volunteering work, again. I caught up with some friends and realised that they all have enjoyed their life after Uni coz they have felt fulfilled from their volunteering work, such as Youthline, refugee programs, mental institute etc.

What the Bleep Do we know?

I was not surprised that this movie would be so controversial. Ppl either see it as the best film of the year or the worst! It touches a very sensitive philosophy of human fundamental belief using non-user-friendly quantum physics. It's a very dangerous approach and I really admire the filmmakers courage.

Most of the stuff aren't new to me, but it was a fantastic job by the filmmakers to put everything together and made a great story!! Visually, it's a beautiful film with a lot of graphic effects and the theory/story tied up nicely. No matter you believe spiritual stuff or not, this film certainly makes you think. For ppl who don't against spirituality, this movie opens their awareness of the possibility to see the world differently. I know that ppl who are very scientific focus or fundamentalists will think it's outrage and think any other way to disapprove it either from science or religions. But, seriously, it's just a movie, no needs to get it so offended as there is nothing coercive or subversive in the film. It either challenges your belief or enforce it! Be open-minded!!
Ummm....I need to be more open-minded to ppl who isn't open-minded

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Banana

"It's not easy being Chinese in New Zealand, People assume you're (a) rich; (b) a bad driver; (c) poor in English; (d) out to take over the country" He said to the reporter.

A conference is running this weekend in Auckland to address some issues/debates about being Chinese in New Zealand society (detail). Immigrating to another country is a hard journey. For the new immigrates they have the immediate challenges such as finding a house, adapting into another culture, getting involved with the community, finding new friends, the guilt of abandoning their home, families, parents, friends and so on. But after they finally settle down here, they start having different challenge. Who am I? Where is home? What is my identities?

There are ppl who has been here for generations and see themselves as kiwis until the new wave of immigration. For them, it's not fair to apply those new perceptions/stereotypes of new immigrates. They grown up here and some of them don't even speak Chinese anymore but they are now taken as Chinese and asked where they are from. There are also the mixed ethnicities that their parents are from different cultures and it's more confusing about who they really are? And of course there are also ppl like me- the 1.5 generation who were born oversea and then grew up here in New Zealand. The challenge for us is that we have strong links with both countries, but at the same time weak. I am confused, very.

For me, New Zealand used to be home and Taiwan is my motherland. But now, my parents have moved back to Taiwan and again I am looking for my identity. Where is my home? I feel the obligations to be nationalistic for both countries, but I can't. My English is never gonna be as fluent as kiwis and I'll always have my Chinese ascent. I'll always like eating rice and looks like a 2nd citizen in New Zealand. On the other hand, I am losing my Chinese in writing and I forget so many Chinese literature. There are so many brilliant old Chinese traditions/stories/wisdom that I haven't taken on and I feel I am letting my ancients down. I am too conservative for kiwis, but too westernlised for Taiwanese. I can't fit in either societies, and going out with a kiwi boyfriend sometimes doesn't help. There are a lot of conflicts and confusions for me, the 1.5 generation, and I believe there are at the same time different problems for different Chinese immigration groups, or just any human being. I think we all live in a confusing era, Chinese or non-Chinese.

Maybe, I should start my own 1.5 generation country :)

A Brunch

I had a brunch with a friend at this classic cafe with sunshine in the early Sunday morning.

She has recently had an amazing personal developing journey and I am happy for her that she has refound her path again. We seem always to cross pass each other's life experiences and give each other unexpected inspirations of relationships, personal growing, meaning of lives etc.

"Of course, I used to want him to send me text, call me, spend time with me and do little sweet things for me." She started talking about her ex. "But, if he doesn't want to, you can't do anything. Suddenly, you find yourself powerless." I said.

"No, you still have the power, now I realise! You have the power to change yourself. We were busy and couldn't see each other much so I was expecting a lot from him when we finally see each other. But he rather played his computer game than spending time with me...." She continued. " I forget we still need personal space and do something we enjoy just by ourselves."

That's right. We always thought we can change others, but we never did. If the change doesn't come from within, then it's not the time for them to change. It's easy to get into a routine in a relationship after a while. We were always happy at the beginning of the relationship coz you still have your personal space and you didn't expect much from the other.

An expectation is a scary monster. It's like a black hole and never get fulfilled.

You are uncomfortable about the unknown future
"What is he gonna do?"

You are setting expectation
"If he is going to do that for me.....
You are so exciting if it comes true
"I would be so touched and happy if he does that!!!!"
You are disappointed
"Maybe he is not gonna do that"
You are devastated
"What if he is gonna totally ignore me, I'll be so devastated"
You are miserable
"Maybe he will (Yeah!). Maybe he won't (ouch!). Maybe he will (Yeah!). Maybe he won't (ouch)"

Most of time...... you don't get what you want-the loving feeling. Even you did get the action you desire, you'll take it as grounded. I have been aware and acknowledged that I am actually quite needy. I am not as strong as I seem to be. I know she will make her own choice on this party, like I know I am still working on accepting this feeling and make it okay.

I am looking forwards to seeing you again, my inspiring angel!

The Threesome

"I miss talking to you" He said.

I was feeling tired and achy when he said that to me. A good old friend from far far away. It brought me the light that someone wanted to talk to me after what I have been through today. I was not as meaningless as I thought I was after all. That request was quickly fulfilled.

We talked for almost an hour and it was very comforting to hear his voice from the other side of the world. He made me almost cried when he said he would have picked me as his best man if the wedding is at a different time and space. And of course if it's allowed to have a female to be the groom's best man that is. It means a lot to me to hear that from him. I know he is gonna cry at his own wedding and it's sad that I won't be there to participate this happiest day of his life. He said the traineeship was like a dream for him too, but in his case, some part of that dream continues and the best of all, he is gonna married his dream girl. That was the most sweetest thing that I have ever heard! He shared his collection of quotes to save me from the dark side and I did find myself walk out of my passive and dull corner. Not only because of those motivational quotes, but also knowing there is someone cares about me, I smiled again.

Then, he came online too! I love the technology. It brings ppl closer. We invited him into our conversation and the chat just went everywhere. From the dirty bears, the drinking, the farting, the burping, the girls, the wedding, the nasty commons on each other, to our last pathetic memory of the Slovak language, we shared and enjoyed our threesome reunite in the air. Umm....IT WAS GOOD!! We were gonna try foursome, but the german machine was busy. What a surprise!!

After another hour talking, one got hungry, one got sleepy and the other got to run. It was a beautiful threesome. I feel fulfilled again. Yeah, I know I also turn doggy again.

Thank you guys!! You make me laugh again!
I love you!
cau cau

Is it what dying feels like?

I am staring through the emptiness and start losing my conscience. I can't feel my legs and I am getting cold. I am breathing in what I have just breathed out. Everything seems so meaningless right now. Is it what dying feels like?

I screamed at the wall and wished to get some echo. But no. It just passively stood there and absorbed all my sound energy.

"There is no point to give out feedback.", it said heartlessly. "Go singing, dancing around me if you wish, but I would be just as motionless as stones and act like nothing had happened because I am made of stones." "You can say all sort of things to me, but I am not going to give you any hints, right or wrong.", it said stonily.

The converstation is over. The wall has broken my heart. I can feel the anger and the pain, but soon I'll stop feeling. No more emotions, no more trying. "What's the point?", I screamed bitterly. I was so naive that I thought the wall would feel sorry at least. But I forget, it is a wall. It isn't alive. It can't say "I am sorry." It doesn't matter anymore. My heart is dying. Soon, I'll become an emotionless, passive and meaningless stone, too.

A free ride

I felt awkward sitting away from all my friends. But I wasn't really in the mood of talking anyway. The young boy sitting next to me wasn't easy to talk to. In fact, I found him irritated coz he tried to act "cool". I was barely holding the conversation with him. Thus, I was quite happy when this man came in late and took the empty seat in front of me. He must be about 10 years older than me.

Ppl seemed to enjoy themselves very much. A lot of socialising conversation were around tables. I would normally take the initiative to meet new ppl, but just not tonight. The man in front of me seemed to feel the same, so we both took passive attitudes and only talked to ppl who came to us. We didn't talk to each other much, so I hesitated a lot when he offered me a ride home. Somehow, I decided to trust human. Using myself as an experiment is quite brave, I thought. I guess I trusted the orgnisation so much that I believed anyone who was used to involve has good perspective of life. It was a gamble.

He opened the car door for me first?! THAT's NEW!! And he gently closed it like it's normal. Good old slovak gentleman!!! Oh, well, he is half slovak-Hungarian. I miss the way how slovak men treat their ladies!! We talked a lot more on the way home and he has such interesting life story!! Working for the UN in New York headquater, doing research on U.S. politic and now still involving in UN orgnisation voluntarily when doing a full time job for the council!!

I won the gamble :)

Travelling v.s. Being at home

"Do you miss travelling?" She said.
"Eh......Ye...s." I replied tranquilly like I was just continuing a bus conversation.

"YES!!" I screamed silently, in fact. I miss the me who was travelling.

When you are away from home, from everything else you are familiar with, you grow strongly. You look for adventures. You are willing to adapt into anything. You challenge yourself to see how far you can go. You walk out of your comfort zone to experience a whole new different world. Everything is new, different and exciting!! You have to be brave, positive and active either willingly or reluctantly. The nature survival instinct, I guess. You appreciate the differences coz they inspire you. They are like mirrors reflecting your thoughts, who you were, who you are and who you want to be.

One of my friends once asked this question in her Blog.
"Why people stop sending you email updates once they return from their Big OE?"

I think we stop looking for differences but similarities. Security and stability become what we seek for once we come back to our home countries. I guess these are what home stands for. However, unfortunately, we are scared to be different at the same time. We withdraw back to our little nutshell and want to fit in the big society again. You have no excuse to be difference now coz you are at home. Very pathetic? I know. It's rather frustrating, too!

I know keeping running away from home is not the solution. It's the set of mind making me scare to be different and only me can make it okay. We all have the right to be different either away or not, but the expectations from the society, family, friends and most of all, ourselves have kept us away from the freedom of celebrating the differences.

That's why I start this Blog- To make myself be sensitive again to what is inside of me rather than what outer environment makes me.

This random girl

"I like her!!" That was my first impression of her.

She seems a very nice girl. She reminds me of this girl that I used to know. I wonder whether her Horoscope is Aries coz I always get this warm, gentle and friendly feelings when I meet one.

"What is a nice girl like her doing with that boyfriend!?" That was the 2nd time I saw her- in the gym playing soccer.

Pretty racist of me, I know. It shocked me too. Maybe that's how other ppl see me too? I wonder how many of my friends and his friends have also thought about this. Maybe they all wonder why ppl like us go out with other cultures. It's not like we aren't accepted by our own ppl. If we are popular enough around our ppl, why do we choose partners from different cultures rather than our own? I think cross-culture relationships are very tricky. There are so many differences between two parties. In a way, you have unlimited things to talk about, but at the same time, you are looking for the similarities, too. I find it hard personally. Sometimes, I feel I betray my race. I remember I went to see this movie and this sister was the obstacle between her loving brother (black) and her new best friend (white). She said to her, "I know I am selfish, but you aren't one of us. We can't let you take the best of us away from us. There are plenty of you out there to go out with. But not him!!".

"Is she a threat to me?" That was the question I had after I left the gym.

Unfortunately, I still have my self-doubts and I like the girl so much that I think she is better than me. She seems very nice, confident and most of all, she is happy!! Oh, and she plays soccer!

"I wish her boyfriend is treating her the way she wants and she is as happy as she seems to be :) " Goodbye, my random girl.