What I have learned...

Lesson 1: Different level of Depression
I realise today that there are different levels of depression. My latest one is so bad that I just hide alone and push everyone away. However, the more lonely I get, the more depressed I feel and the harder I shut ppl out. Self-punishment I guess.

Lesson 2: Pushing Friends Away
It seems that friends who know me the longest, the further I push them away. Maybe it's because

• They know me so well that they know I am not well;
• I don't want them to see my vulnerable side;
• I don't want them to carry my burden or worry about me;
• I don't want them to think I am manipulative or just want some attention;
  
• I don't want them to pity me; and/or
  
• I have gone through too much emotion myself, and when I am with my friends, I just want a break, a rest and a get-away.
  

Lesson 3: New Way to Help People in Depression
There are few exceptions who manage to get through that concrete wall I built and become my life-support. I can't help but notice those exceptions happen to be those whom I just meet in the last 12 months. There is less baggage between them and me, I guess. I feel more willing to take up their offers than old friends. It's probably because I am more polite to new friends, so I don't tend to shut them out abruptly. Also they don't know how I deal with my problems in the past. Thus, they don't easily give up and have been obsessively checking on me. In the last couple of weeks, I have been acting very passively and making no effort on anything. Whoever is leaving me alone, I just let it be; whoever is asking me out or caring me, I just let it be too. Thus, their noisy carings happen to be exactly what I need. From them I learn a new way to help others in depression. I know that it definitely works for me and make me realise that sometimes it's okay to just take the person in depression out and not have those lovey-dovey compassion talk. When they are ready to talk, they will. It's much more important to be pushy and get them shift focus first. Leaving someone alone may not be the best way or work for the serious depression.

MEREDITH: Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most, are those who don't know what they want. (Grey's Anatomy, 2007)

My Spiderman

"I have decided that we should go out tonight! I am not taking no as an answer unless you have already had a plan" He texted me.

It's him, my Spiderman. A man who always shows his care and always checks on me nonstop in the last few weeks. An amazing friend whom I'll always treasure and remember,

• who is noisy enough to get out his way, keep taking me out of my miserable nutshell and shows me a blink of joy without being prying or overwhelmingly caring;
• who is always available for me no matter how late it is;
• who set me up on a date with his friend;
• who made me CDs and DVD;
• who helped me jump start in the middle of the night in rain;
  
• whom I feel comfortable to be around even when I am falling apart;
• who made a contract with me when I had the most negative thought;
• who makes me believe again that men aren't all evil; and
  
• whom I trust.
  

I'm still feeling crap most of the time, but I thought I would post something positive in my life so ppl who have been worried about me know that I am still surviving and still fighting. After all, I am an warrior, a cockroach, and a normal girl with local scars.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away
"A checking-on a day keeps the CAT team away"

I didn't go dancing;
I didn't go to the premiere of this documentary that I helped;
I didn't go supervision; and
I cancelled my appointment - I am done talking or anything, but fun!

She hangs around the boulevard
She's a local girl with local scars
She got home late, she got home late
She drank so hard the bottle ached
and she tried and she tried, and she tried and she tried
but nothing's clear in a bar full of flies

So she takes and she takes, she takes and she takes
She understands when she gives it away
She says

Man I gotta get outta this town
Man I gotta get outta this pain
Man I gotta get outta this town
Outta this town & out of L.A.

She's got a gun, she's got a gun
She got a gun she calls the lucky one
She left a note right by the phone
Don't leave a message 'cause this ain't no home
and she cried and she cried, and she cried and she cried
She cried so long her tears ran dry
Then she laughed and she laughed, she laughed and she laughed
Cause she knew she was never comin' back
She said

Man I'm gonna get outta this town
Man I'm gonna get outta this pain
Man I'm gonna get outta this town
Outta this town & out of L.A.

It's all she loves It's all she hates
It's all too much for her to take
She can't be sure just where it ends
Or where the good life begins

- L.A. Song, Beth Hart

Power Cut

Eh? 45 min pitch black?
Oh well, at least I had my candle night dinner!

Blind Date

The first reaction my blind date had after seeing my picture was,
"Oh NO!" He said disappointingly.

"Come on! She isn't that bad looking, is she?!" My enthusiastic matchmaker were prying for me.
"No... it's just that I KNOW her! My best friend used to have a big crash on her" *Shake Head*

Oh...Well, that's the end of my exciting blind date! Damn you, small world!

All I wanted was to finish it rather than to fix it,
But now I just want to end everything.

Risk Assessment: Low

They say it gets harder before it gets easy, but I don't think I am even starting the hard bit yet and I have been feeling miserable for too long to be strong. It gave me a shudder in the other day that I felt I was planning a grand farewell before ending my life as I was kicking my housemate out and planning my trip to Europe (Risk assessment: Low). Then as I was giving advice on self-harm, I was talking from my heart. Now, I feel I am writing to cry for help. The more I am doing this, the less I like myself and the lower my self-esteem goes.

This process has made me feel vulnerable and not-in-a-relationship makes me even insecure. I am feeling so miserable that I just want someone (a knight in shiny armour); in fact, anyone to save me from this. It's really depressing that right now I just want a relationship with no strings attached or commitment so someone can put some joys into my miserable life, so I can feel wanted, so I can feel comfortable/safe to dump/share my progress and not feel it's a burden to my friends.

Anyone knows anyone who may be interested in this job?

回家的路

她說：『回家的路，有點難過，但我沒哭
　　　　曾以為這是一條我會走一輩子的路...』
(She Said: On the way home, I felt a bit sad, but I didn't cry;
a road that I once believe I would be walking on forever)

看著看著眼睛就紅了～
今年年底會回去，我想我會哭～
一條不再有人陪的路～
(As I reading her blog, my eyes were brimming with tears...
I am going back home this year and I know I WILL cry...
A lonely road no longer with you...)

Hangover

I feel like having a hangover today. What causes it? Beading! I know it's so geeky, but I don't care as I have a piece of art around my neck. And they are beautiful!

I hate making decisions! Unfortunately beading is all about choosing what you want, that's why it was an endless process. First, I sat in front of 500 different colour, shape, and size of beads and waited for them to talk to me. It took me like an hour to pick those beads after they finally spoke up "Me me me me me!"or "me? maybe? please?"; some were more shy than the other, you see. I put them into the tray and asked them to talk to each other and to find out who is getting along with whom. That was where it got really tricky and struggling. Mediating arguing between beads was exhausting. I could easily fiddle with those beads for another hour or so, but I was getting to a point that I just wanted to go home. I finished it the last (you surprise?) and was too tired to feel my latest creation until now. After wearing it for the whole day, I start loving it! Umm....now I just need some matching earrings and maybe some bracelet ;). No wonder ppl say it could be a dangerous addition.

Seriously, I have had this headache for a week. Lack of sleep I think. I have been avoiding feelings by going out every night for a while. My body is complaining angrily about my negligence, but it's so much easier to be busy and have fun than dealing with emotions.

All right, I guess it's time to take some time off to rest. I'll plan my white Chrismas instead :D. How exciting!!!

I feel sorry for him after reading those emails. Gee....I just wish I won't work closely with this guy in the future.

He does have the "over 20 years experience in UK and elsewhere in the world" of sugar coating everything with broken glass in the cake...

Breathless

Yeah! :) We finally finished this bid for Wellington travel time survey! I do want to win this proposal, but I am more desperate for the opportunity to get out of this city. Those interpersonal and intrapersonal struggles are driving me crazy. I feel like I am drowning. I really want to get out somehow to be able to breath again even just for a while.

MEREDITH: I was swimming. I was fighting. Then I thought, just for a second, I thought ‘What’s the point?’ And then I let go. I stopped fighting. Don’t tell anybody. (Grey's Anatomy, 2007)

I am not strong

People said that I am strong. Well, I guess so if you consider "tough up" and "stubborn" are the true meanings of being strong. It surprised me that there is this slightness of me not gonna be okay when he is gone. I fooled others, but I have never expected that I would have fooled myself too.

I am not as strong as it seems to be. I have never been. Especially, not in the circle of your arms. Do you judge me? Do you look down on me now? Do you find me less attractive now?

Mirror Situation

I took him to the discussion group tonight and I was glad that he enjoyed it. Tonight's topic was telepathy and no there was definitely no telepathy between us. Actually we couldn't even communicate properly through text messages. I thought he was interested in coming along with me but apparently he was only commenting on the topic which seemed interesting and expected to see me afterwards. Thus, when I showed up at his doorstep at 6pm rather than 10:30pm, he was surprised as he was eating dinner...Oh well!

After the discussion, we went for a midnight bubble tea until 2:30 am and talked about our mirror situation. We both want something more than just "good friends" in our relationships/arrangements. However, it's not the right time, right place or/and with the right person (?). The happiness of limbo doesn't last, so it's either take 2 steps forwards or 2 steps back. Unfortunately, we both got the STOP signs from moving forwards. Relationships suck!

I explored my neediness furthur today and concluded that,

My Neediness: I want someone to want me

Phew~This could be quite dangerous with the status of my mind. Now, I am aware of it, but I am not so sure what to do with it without making more mistakes :(

Dignity

I would do anything anything for you! But if my doing becomes more than a burdan or cause any slightness of annoyance, I would rather disapear from your life completely. The thought of you finding me needy will distroy me. Let me at least have my least dignity to get out of your life. The last thing I want is taking away your happiness.

DENNY: Sometimes we’d be at the same place at exactly the same time and I can almost hear her voice. It’s like I’m touching her. I like to believe she knows I’m there. That’s all you get. That’s it. Moments with the people you love. And they’ll move on and you’ll want them to move on. But still, Meredith, that’s all you get. Moments. (Grey's Anatomy, 2007)

Winter is here...

Here we go, June is here again...

MEREDITH: Like I said, disappearances happen. Pains go phantom. Blood stops running and people, people fade away. There's more I have to say, so much more, but... I disappeared.

ELLIS: Meredith... you are anything but ordinary. (Grey's Anatomy, 2007)