I should really stop running into guys and hitting on them. It never works! I am always the one gets bounced back and gets hurt :(

- Hummm... I should really stop getting carried and going off from the field with injury during sports. Ouch!

Auckland International Film Festival 2008

This year, I saw 8 films.

1. In Bruges - Very witty!! Brilliant script and acting. I laughed my head off. This city (in Belgium) is also my favourite city to spend an afternoon in, in 2003 :) I met an interesting guy during the movie, which was his 6 films on that Friday. He saw the opening film in the night before and "In Burge" was his 5th film on that day!
2. The band's Visit - A lost Egyptian band spends a night in a small Israeli town. It has its moment :)
3. Flight of the Red Balloon - It is set in Paris and is directed by 侯孝賢 (Hou Hsiao-hsien). It didn't lie! There is this red balloon flying through the entire film. However, that's about it. I walked out the Civic Theater and puzzled about 'What does the Red Balloon mean????"
   
4. Empties - Czech film so I had to see it! It portraits this hyperactive "never say die" old chap really well. He is humorous, charming, stubborn and earnest.
5. Mongol - The only film that I went with an company (sitting at each end of the row though). It's a epic/legend of Genghis Khan. I didn't know much of Genghis Khan's life and the culture of Mongolia, but I was fascinated by his tough upbring and amazed by 9 years old kids socialising like an adult- sedate and thoughtful. I had tears in my eyes a couple of times. However, I think his wife was fighting a different battle; it's not a life-and-death struggle, but equally if not more difficult battles. It's really a different era and different environment.
   
6. The Banishment - A Russian film. Okay okay, it's the film to be remember as the film that I couldn't recall when I tried to prove that I can list all my eight films. It was a very late movie so I only remembered the nice sleep I had afterward, but not so much about the movie itself :p
7. Caramel - A Lebanon film which filled with insight into women's lives in contemporary Lebanon through a local salon place. Caramel is used as a waxing tool.
8. Vogelfrie - A Latvian film which looked into 4 stages of a man's life. I think I saw that guy again, but I was too shy to approach him and asked his phone number :x
   

And as I haven't been to cinema for ages (!), I went to watch the latest Batman movie tonight - The Dark Knight. Man! It's so awesome!!

Being True to Oneself

I am glad that I start connecting with the group tonight. What happened in the last two weeks brought me forwards to the group.

• It's hard to be true to oneself without hurting other peoples feeling. It's also difficult to accept the crude truth without being offended, when others are being true to themselves.
• There are a lot stuffs going on in my life recently and I haven't been considerate nor been nice to people around me. I just simply don't have the energy. Saying less was the only way I could hold myself together. Thus, I haven't been communicating well and have been blunt about what I wanted. I have been accused to be selfish, inconsiderate, and control freak by friends/colleagues. It hurt.
• It was really irritating, when he kept being polite and running in a circle without telling me the core. I lost my patience with those sugar coated nonsense. 搔癢搔不到癢處！性子急起來，沒耐性聽他鬼扯，直逼他說重點！Finally he lost his tame temper over my provoking. He was afraid that the cruel truth would hurt me and he was right. It does.

Now, I don't know how to deal with his honesty. I don't know how to act anymore because I feel all my actions are assessed. I will hate myself if I change for him because I don't want to and because I am stubborn. However, if I don't change, I will be wondering weather or not he is judging me. I don't feel secure nor free anymore. No matter what I do/think or don't do/think, I will think of his comments now. I don't agree with his accusation completely. If this was like what he said, one of the main concerns, he would be too intolerant. If this is not the key issue and I am already reacting to it this badly, I don't know if I can handle the truth. I start wondering if he was right after all.

• Is it easier to be happily(?) alone than be with someone whom you wish could have more connection or intimacy with?
  
• I wish I could have more courage to desire what I want. Every now and then, I would risk it, but most of the time, I play safe. It has worked well for me and has been my defensive mechanism. When I am vulnerable, it's the time I need the support the most. If I don't desire anything, then when I don't get them, I won't get hurt nor disappointed. However, when I am close to someone and when my need doesn't get met, the disappointment would destroy me more than knowing I have no support.
• I have been on both sides in the last few weeks
• wanting more communication: I kept giving and giving unconditionally and wanting to have clear and honest feedbacks, but all I got was politeness and 無關痛癢的 differences. It really drained me out.
  
• not giving communication: Then, I gave up. I guess my care was not really unconditional after all. I was shattered and it was easy to just shut myself down. When he turned back, I was too tired to make any more efforts, so I gave him all had got left: cold shoulders and minimum communication. I felt in control and empowered by doing that.
  
• I think I am really lucky because I have someone who continuously shows more communication initiative than I do.
• However, it seems to change for some people after a long marriage when they pass the "being interested phase" in relationships.

I feel cheap, really cheap. 何苦作賤自己呢？！

I am angry, I am upset, I am offended and I don't think what you said was fair. However, I took the easy way out. I am disappointed at myself. :@

So you said that you want to come back. I would have been jumping with joy if it was a month ago. Now, I am just not feeling anything. I have lost the faith and I really don't like what I am feeling - empty that is.

Is it too late? I hope not, but I can't help but feeling numb. 你說來就來，說走就走，你把我當什麼東西阿！ :@

這一個月來，工作、友情、感情事事不順，一切亂七八糟、風風雨雨，真的好累好累，身心疲乏，想出去散散心。 :(

Reciprocal Visa

Can you understand why I am pissed? My pride is shattered.

There is this tree standing between two countries.

In a fair situation, two countries may have reciprocal visa regimes i.e. If you allow my citizens to enter without a visa, I will allow your citizens to enter without a visa. It's an agreement between two countries. I don't understand what the hell you are thinking! I tried, but it's driving me crazy. You decided to reevaluate the agreement for some utterly vague sugar-coated reasons which I could never understand.

I know that you are busy and have other priority. You can only look after one tree at the time to the standard/perfection you desire. You thought by disclaiming this tree, you would have less pressure and would feel less guilty if you aren't doing your best for the tree. However, meanwhile, you are happy for me to entry your country like nothing is changed because you are unsure about the commitment and you wish I would still water the tree for you.

You are WRONG! The tree is dying and I don't know if it is going to survive through this! I don't even know if I have the permission to enter, to water! I know that it's just a piece of paper, a title, a formality, but it's important for me. Without it, I don't know what's my right, I don't know how to behave and I don't know when you are going to deport me and why! I don't even know what I did wrong!

It's NOT okay to be just being!