What does it all mean?

• She broke the promise and told them
  
• I had a mentoring session
• I had to put $$ figure
• It has been a week
• I had my first new APD group.

Nothing seems to be structural at my life at the moment and I feel so frustrated. Everything seems inside out, upside down. I feel out of control and unsure where is everything going.

What does it all mean?

A little bird

A little bird told her about me assessing options so she called me into her office. It was nice to be able to give her a little head up and a chance to tell her what I am looking for.

Tomorrow is a big day as I'll face my demon and another senior. Then, I think I am ready to make the final call.

You make time!

I have made good progress with her today. She helped me clarify what is important for me and also role played some upcoming tricky conversation. I learned a lot as usual. Thank you!

"You make time!"

Holiday

When your close teammate decides to take an indefinite holiday, what can you say? You want to respect and support his decision, but at the same time you have to deal with that anxiety, uncertainty and wonder where it is leading? what does it all mean?

The normal work contract says, you can have 4 weeks holiday each year. Does it imply that he will lose his job if he takes more than 20 days? I don't know the answer, but I just know it hurts.

Mentors

When I walked her up to Pitt Street and asked for advice, I run into him. He is back for few days and again :x, he invited me for a coffee. We chatted about me and I was thrilled when he offered to fly me over for a week just so I could feel secure and have some guarantee. I could really see myself develop under his wings. However, he is in Australia and I want to base in Auckland.

Then, he called me up and I hinted about my movement. Quickly, he kindly offered to have a chat with me and give me advice in my best interests. He even gave me a job number for it :o

Tomorrow I am meeting another respectful senior after work. I wasn't able to meet up with my "official" mentor for 6 months, but I am lucky enough to have these many seniors to assist me in making the right decision for me and by me. Thank you all!

It hurts

- I am glad that at least it does

...But if I lose the highs at least I’ll spare the lows
...Once bitten twice is shy

- Leave Right Now, Will Young

This week can be summerised as

• 4 nights out
• 3 alcohol nights
• 3 V
• 2 Slovak Visitors
• 1 sick leave
  
• 1 nerve breaking presentation
• 1 Peking Duck

2 Slovak Visitors

It's exciting to catch up with friends from far far away and find out what they are up to in their lives.

It rained buckets when she flew in late with her boyfriend on Sunday. They were knackered after travelling for the whole day from Sydney so it was just a simple pick up and drop off to town. Then, we had a girls talk on Tuesday to find out each other's life. She seems not too happy, I have sensed. Maybe, it's a normal blue before a cold winter.

On Wednesday, few hours after she flew out of Auckland, he landed. Same hostel, same nationality, and same friends from 2003. He has lived to this side of the world for 18 months now. It's nice to finally be able to pay back all the exciting experience he ever gave me in Kosice. The first Anita Night Tour including Mission Bay, eating mussels, eating Movenpick Ice cream, Mt. Eden and Playhouse (without "playmates" ;))

I was going to drop him back earlier, but the ex topic came up and I guess I had felt what he has felt - the hurt, the wonder, the unfinished business, the sorrow and the naivety. That definitely worth a couple of more drinks!

"Emotions pull on your heart - up and down - sideways"

"Tell him that we didn't have orgasm tonight"

Socail Events

Four basic scenarios

• I want you to come; you want to come
• I want you to come; you don't want to come
• I don't want you to come; you want to come
• I don't want you to come; you don't want to come

Then, when you put two humans (and one of them is me) into that equation, suddenly it develops into millions out of control scenarios with its own complications.

However, it could also be summarised as

• Jump out the bed
• Iron shirts
• Run into the heavy rain for the airport

雨大 ● 有他 ● 心安

Holiday Programme

I stayed at home, didn't talk to anyone and simply just wasting time.

During the week, it's always busy busy busy. Most of weekends, there are social events to be there for others. In between, there are people that I am thinking of, worry and care for. It's actually quite good for a chance to just be selfish and had nothing, had no one and had no strings attached and just being with myself - lying in bed, lying on my bean bag, watching TV, going on shopping, having comfort food full in my pantry, having a hot drink, having candles around me etc.

It has been a very stressful two weeks with things in my mind all the time. It has unfortunately affected my interaction with others. I used to be able to look after others and been there for them, but now I have my own need to be looked after. However, being me, that sometimes meant pushing people away even I don't get the comfort I need.

I am afraid that they can't give me the comfort I want. I am afraid that once I have the expectation, I'll be disappointed.

I KNOW that I am unsure, I am puzzled and I am frustrated. But I hate people who try to help me by problem solving or simplifying my thoughts. I don't need people using those counselling crap and guiding me. I feel stupid and patronised.

Then, it stroke me though that I wanted to stay in this no strings attached status for longer than a weekend. I decided I needed to work on my communication and needed to come out.