I am surprised that I am okay with it... :)

Falling Apart

I am feeling that everything around me has fallen apart recently - TV, Rat, Car, arrangement, house, my health and today...even Washing Machine gave up on me! :(

*Shaking Head* This house needs a handy man! Actually a man would be a good start! ;)

舊的不去，新的不來囉！！ ;) ( In order to get new ones, the old ones have to be gone!!)

Cocktail Party

There are people in this world who could not simply be alone and be single. I learned not to judge, but simply wish that as long as she is happy.

Wooden Spoons

In order to honor the wooden spoons they gave me, I had to buy her this T-shirt before she goes to Australia with him. Wooden Spoons? :o Yes, three of them! I was awarded them for being utterly STIRRING! :p

The T-shirt said,
" I support Two Teams, New Zealand and anyone playing Australia"

I was going to get her the other one, except it only comes with children size,

"When I grow up my Dad says I can do what I want ... except play for Australia"

I was tempting to cross out the "Play" and write "Marry". TOO STIRRING? Nah! I have to make the best of my wooden spoons and live up to my reputation!

The Power of Anger

I underestimated the power of anger.

I didn't realise how much my happiness was relied on it until I stop being angry. It's scary to feel that the emptiness is slowly eating my heart out while I am losing the motivation to make myself happy.

It's harder than I thought and it's longer than I expected. But I know that without the anger, my healing is finally starting. I am feeling better already after knowing where my depression comes from :)

More Kids

Yes, I have been busy! Besides my 3 kids from my last "relationship", I now have another 14 kids with my new partner.

He and I went to see our kids for the first time. I just love them!! They are so bright and so enthusiastic!! My job is easy - as long as I can pretend I know what I am doing, while I have no idea how to - that's my partner's job, right? ;) (or maybe he is just pretending it as well as I am :p). In the next two terms, we are going to help them solve their school traffic problem and this project will be entering for Transpower Neighbourhood Engineers Awards this year. This project is organised through Futurintech

I am so proud of our kids!! They are so small and ....cute (fine! I said it) :$

想哭～

所以哭了～

I went dancing again for the same reason as last year - physical contact and warmth; loneliness and emptiness, I guess.

I know why I wanted to do it, but I don't know why I did it.
I know why I did it, but I don't know why I wanted to do it.
Confused? Me too.

想哭就到我懷裡哭
作詞：何啟弘　作曲：庾澄慶　編曲：屠穎　原唱：庾澄慶

一個人逃避寂寞　兩個人渴望自由
到底該不該奔向你　懷裡的溫柔
還是就讓你失望的走

我沒有太多承諾　能讓你一夜好夢
擔心從今後你心痛　會不知所措
太多的惶恐　又讓我們無法承受

想哭就到我懷裡哭
喔　就像一切都不會結束
那彼此感覺 不那麼孤獨
想哭就到我懷裡哭
喔　別把未來想的太清楚
那只會讓我越來越無助

P.S. I apologise for those who can't read Chinese. It's just that sometimes, those deep emotions can only be expressed and recorded in my first language.

Spirituality

After a few interesting discussions with friends, for the first time, I start getting to know what is my belief in spirituality. It's actually quite exciting...

I feel that there is an ultimate truth in the universal. However, the essence of it is unspeakable. This ultimate truth is infinite and any attempts to cover it all is only finite; therefore, none of languages, explanations or religions is able to describe it fully and precisely. All the exciting theory or religions (such as reincarnation, going to heaven/hell, ghost, atheism and etc.) are all right, but at the same time not right because you can't finite the infinity.

I see souls as some kind of energy. Everything in this universe is connected as whole. Each soul/energy is interconnect with each other, which creates a sort of natural law/flow as whole. Each individual soul is contributed to this natural law, so it can change the natural flow. However, this natural law also has the influence to every single energy. It's like a circular/infinite loop. All in one and one in all.

"The question and answer of "what is the meaning of life?" does not exist until you ask." He said.

Chatty Day

First, there was the intimate coffee ON K'd Rd, following by talking to clients OFF K'd Rd and a cosy catch up BEHIND ShowGirls until 4am! :p

Wow...I didn't know I can talk so much for so long!!!!

I was surprised at how many drunk ppl got carried around at that time of the night. Too young (<-- them), too old (<-- us) :(

"Gee... :o did you see that? I don't think it's covering much eh? Once she starts dancing, somethings are going to jump out! :x" *shaking head*

鬱‧悶‧

心頭糾結得難過！雖知緣由，卻不知如何釋懷放下。一些老掉牙過時的句字，卻在心中 揮之不去。也不知是自己另有一番新體會，還是中文程度是每下愈況，只有這 些沒氣質，沒新意的詩詞能勉強湊著用。反正無傷大雅囉～乘機試探我的訪客中有多少看得懂（我的）中文、或是關心的外國人會努力中翻英！！不過透過那些翻 譯網站，河馬先生你是有看沒懂吧！

“問世間情為何物，直叫人生死相許”
“不在乎天長地久，只在乎曾經擁有“
“情字這條路～唉～“

情字這條路
作詞：慎芝　作曲：鄭華娟　編曲：郭小霖　原唱：潘越雲

那會那會同款　情字這條路
給你走著輕鬆　我走著艱苦
那會那會同款　情字這條路
你隴滿面春風　我隴在淋雨
不願承認心內思慕　暝暝等著你的腳步
不願承認阮的愛你是錯誤　不願後悔何必當初

那會那會走來　情字這條路
默默跟你來此　望你倘照顧
那會那會走來　情字這條路
回過頭才知影　歹走的路途
不願承認未倘幸福　暝暝唸著愛的歌譜
不願承認前途茫茫看無路　不願提起消息隴無

Hair Straightening

I went straightening my hair again.

How was I this time after a year? Sadly, I pretty much feel the same as last year except I dressed UP to IMPRESS last time and this time dressed DOWN to be CASUAL after the hair straightening. :(

"They could laugh but make sure those flies keep their hand off you or I'll kick their ass!"
- I was practising my assertiveness, but I am sure that I tuned my real feeling down as much as I could!"

There are days that you just miss someone so much that all you want to do is be able to touch the person.

Today is one of those days.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real! Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

- Words of Wisdom, Author Unknown

88 Environmental Beer

We celebrated our first 6 month review of our environmental efficiency after work today. She and I have been progressively developing a model to monitor the energy used by the section to create each $ of revenue. Through several small scale energy saving initiatives over the last 6 months, we have now earned $Carbon Credits$ equivalent to the cost of 88 cans of beer. In the spirit of carbon credit trading, we celebrated this achievement by drinking our way through the credits :p

After the celebration, he gave me a ride to a mah-jong session. In the car, I got to know him better and feel sorry for the responsibility that he has been carrying for his family as the eldest son in the last few months. I couldn't do much for him, but be there for him and reminded him to self care and make sure he has friends to support him when he needs. I am a good colleague, aren't I. Oh maybe I am just 八卦 (gossiping/caring) :D

Talking about mah-jong... It was the first time I played the full round! Gee...It took forever! We were all exhausted before we finished and all prayed for 莊家千萬不要連莊！(no win for the dealer coz that means more games) By the time we were done, it was 2am!! :o It took us 4 hours to play one round while my ride had already played 8 rounds. That tells you how slow we were. The funny thing is that the only white guy among us four was the only person knowing how to score!! However, I doubled check it later with real players and found out that the rules he used aren't the common rules that Cantonese ppl play! Oh well, at least he had a book for us to follow.

Truthful Feedback

Giving truthful feedback has never been my strength. I normally don't like telling people how I really think about their learning edges because for me, it used to imply criticism or personal attacks, which conflicts with my own expectation of being the *nice* person. Especially, I am not very good at wording my concerns skillfully like many other wiser members, but I was doing very well tonight! I am quite proud of myself.

I understand that she wanted a closure before she goes oversea and from mentor's feedback I believe that she is ready on the phone. However, I was not surprised when other members raised their concerns. It's understandable that she got a bit defensive/disappointed/upset during the feedback process. However, no matter what happened in the end, when she comes back to NZ , she will probably need to make sure that she is not alone doing the duty in the first couple of weeks. Thus, nothing is changed, challenged or wasted from tonight. It's just a title. Her journey in New Zealand or Youthline doesn't stop here tonight. She will continue developing her skills and when she comes back, she will bring all that growth into the phone.

I was not only very supportive, but also convey my warmth well when I explained my thought to her. I can see other group members agreed with what I said as they were nodding their heads :)

Well done, me :)

A Dopey Rat

I can't believe that I passed it not once, but TWICE without noticing it. Then I saw it!!!!

A RAT?? :o Arahhhhh!!! *Panic* *Panic* Oh wait... Look! It has such cute little ears... OHHHH....so adorable!! Yeap! that was my reactions after seeing a rat in my house this morning!! It was resting peacefully on the night light and that see-though tiny little ears were so cute! Seriously, I was gonna go and get a camera, but I was afraid that the flash may wake it up, so i didn't :(

I was going to chase it out of the house, but I was scared that it would shoot of in any direction. I think I feared more about the out-of-control-running than it's a rat. (If it makes any sense). My housemate and I had no idea what to do, so I went to the next door and woke up the neighbour!! Kindly, he put up some cloth and came with his tongs. He walked towards the rat silently. Then, he struck! Unfortunately, he didn't clip it properly at the first time, so the rat escaped. (So was I!). It jumped (me too!) a bit slowly and hopped back facing the night light. Apparently (coz by this point, I had already run up stairs), it FROZE when it saw the light and slowly walked and climbed back to the night light! How weird/cute is that! Somehow the flashing light calmed the rat. He caught it eventually and put it into a plastic bag without too much struggling as it's in a status of being stoned/on high! Then, he helped us resolve the body.

I am still traumatised and get all nervous when I walk around the house...Especially, those dopey flies are back, which makes me wonder where are the dead bodies...

Last Straw

After being completely socially draining out from the wedding, I just couldn't take it any more! Thus, when my housemate couldn't leave me alone, that was the last straw. I got really irritated and frustrated by her babble, and wished she could have just shut the f**k up. I hided into my room just to get away from her and I broke into tears. Then, I thought...wait a minute, it's just so silly that I am hiding in my room crying over my space, while I could have just told her to leave me alone! So I did~

I finally managed to speak up and asked her to leave me alone! However, what really surprised me was how hard it was for me. It took me TWO HOURS!! I can't believe such a easy task took me that long!! Anyway, what's important is that I overcome my goody-two-shoe persona in the end and self cared myself tonight. I am going to take baby step. If it took me two hours this time to ask her leave me alone, I want to be able to do it... say an hour next time? or at least less than 2 hours :p

And from the expression on her face, I know that she had absolutely no idea until the point I told her. But..but I thought it was so obviously that I didn't want to talk as I was ignoring her questions when I can and only giving yes/no answers. However, she left me totally alone after that and I was in a nature high from my brave achievement and piece of quiet :)

Wedding

She had two bridesmaids. The one who was useful and the one who were useless - me :x

The weather wasn't great, but seriously it could have been worse! We even got a peak of blue sky during the photo shoot :o! There were about 134 guests and unfortunately I know very few of them. It's kind of the occasion that I felt rather lonely when I wasn't alone! The social pressure was rather stressful. As a bridesmaid, there was no way to hide or blend into background. Depressingly no guys were picking up on me - the one and only who is single and availablein the bridal party! Seriously, what is wrong with those guys! I had to make the efforts approaching them :x I tried my best to be sociable and did have some fun, but the social pressure really kept me on my toes for the whole night! :(

I lost my voice (I guess I did success to have some good time) by the time I got home, which was like 2 am!!! Tomorrow (I meant Today), I am going back for more - the present wrapping... God...I am so tired! I don't know whether or not I am able to put up another few hours!!

Love Tanks

I have been feeling quite depressed over the Easter holiday as I had no plans for it. People I wanted to spend time with were out of town and even if they were in town, it's probably not such a good idea to see them. See....it's depressing! Anyway, I went for some retail therapy yesterday and it seems to work as I was feeling lighter enough not to go to the church and have lunch with friends today.

After lunch we went for a walk on the beach. He mentioned a book he read about the five love languages:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

I thought they were quite interesting and may be even helpful for whoever is reading my blog. A skillful communication is really important and if you can identify you and your partner's needs, then you can both learn each others love languages and met each others needs. I find the idea really neat even it's rather obvious once it has been pointed out!

Have a google of Dr. Gary Chapman's five love languages and wish you can fill you and your partner's love tanks in a more efficient way.

Letting Go

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off...
It's the realization that I can't control another...
To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

- Author Unknown

Wedding Weekend

It has been a long weekend full of weddings! Different weddings!

10 years ago they started going out. They agreed to share everything as they grew up. 10 years later, they decide to exchange rings and promise to support each other for the rest of their lives! - It has been a love story among us who share their journey.

The whole ceremony was very holy and she looks stunning! The church was full of joys, blessings and loves from families and friends who travelled from Japan, Taiwan and Australia to be part of this important moment of their lives. We got to catch up with one and the other at dinner and I was honour to be seated at the "high seats" as I was part of the Uni gang. Time flies so fast! It seems like yesterday we were laughing and playing at engineering school and now we are still the same group of kids, except we are all living at different countries, having different careers and different lifestyles. The evening was kept in a rather Taiwanese style with speeches, presentations, singing, eating, drinking, gossiping/caring, teasing, games, and 鬧洞房 (wedding room "service").

After the wedding, we went out until bars stopping serving us alcohol and I was exhausted by the time I got home.

Trivia:

• It was interesting how I got all self conscious when he was around. I guess it's normal~ :x
• *sniff* *sniff* YOU!! You have to take responsibility! If I can't get married it's all your fault!!! Me? your wife??!!! 死熊爛熊笨熊！你要負責任ㄚ！你要還我清白啊～你這樣叫我出去怎麼見人啊！！！
• She must had done a lot of damages to him. The next girlfriend he went out with had the same English name as hers. And now, his current girlfriend shares the same Chinese name as hers! :o
  

Today is my another uni friend's Hen's do - kiwi style! I first picked up a friend from the bus stop and gave her a quick 10 mins Auckland recap tour and went to the lunch place. It was a lot of laughs! Games were extremely funny and I got to play with dildos for the first time (Five of them!! :x) I had two cups of coffee and a can of V (energy drink) to be able to stay awake and drive after a late night like last night and an exciting afternoon like today. We talked all the way down to Hamilton and it was very nice to catch up with her again as always! She is such a wise, caring and insightful friend. I delivered her home in one piece without harm and had Wendy's for dinner :). Also, I was really pleased to see her partner looking great with the new drugs working fine. He was walking properly and with more energy ever than I saw him in new year :)

Trivia:

• Somehow every time I heard she said "librarian", I had an image of a monkey! Of course, he again can take the credit of influencing my soul, because of the book he once made me read - Terry Pratchett: Guards! Guards!
• Today is April Fools' Day, so I guess any games/tricks can be justified :p
• It took a lot of efforts not to kill anyone while I was driving back to Auckland alone!!
• I was calling in sick on Monday after this wedding weekend!