He stabbed her with that foul dagger again

She huddled up as tight as she could so she could feel safer
with the minimum body exposure
She shaked with fear and started sobbing
She didn't know what to do, but hold every single part of her body together.
She felt filthy and she wanted to go home,
but she was too terrified to make any move.
She was dying at the corner that night, frighten!

He said he was sorry and she believed him
She wished it would be all over soon,
coz she knew, next time,
He may kill her.

My tears nor plaints would mollify a whit

I didn't deal with my disappointment that well in front of him but I was glad that at least I tried to fight for what I believe in and didn't bottle up. However, nothing got changed. ...

Yet he, whose heart is made of adamant or flints
My tears nor plaints would mollify a whit - my drama dialogue

When I walked out his office, I was once again very depressed and lost hope. What I have been working so hard for didn't get what it deserved. I still think I deserved better than what he gave to me and he hadn't been a fair supervisor. He apologised to me, but nothing got changed. However, I wasn't looking for getting better grades, but a justification/closure. At least I know I have done anything to justify myself and speak up. The rest (the actual grades I am getting) is easier to let go eventually.

After the exhausting meeting , I had no light in me and couldn't be bother to think of my first ever drama performance today, which I have been trying to keep it really quiet. Only very few people knew about me taking acting class. It took me 9 years to have the courage again to fulfill the dream I always I have. However, after the meeting I just felt nothing. I felt what's the point to even care! Things I worked for and dreamed for never deserve what it deserved. I am gonna sucks. I'll just once again to get proven that I am just not good enough. I'll be let down once again and get disappointed at something I really want.

I txted him, the only person that I wanted to be there, and asked him not to come. I didn't want him to see my failure again. A failure that's really going to burn me hard! And he didn't come.

Today, I live my life like a drama.

I miss you!

He was here and now he is gone.

I suddenly feel very lonely. It has been a while that I have someone to talk to, someone who has know me the longest, who is still around and still care. We spent hours just talk and catch up. It has been years since the last time we chated this long. I have never realised how much I miss him and now he is gone again.

Take care and good luck, my dearest friend.

2 Kiwis + 2 Slovaks

She came, from far-far-away, from my past, from a dreamland, from the best time of my life. It was weird to see someone who I met in a foreign land and to see her in my country as a foreigner herself now.

I learned my lessons and didn't drive through Newmarket three times ...Phew!!! (I really know my city well!! REALLY!). The weather wasn't the best, but it welcome my guest with its most typical way- 4 seasons in one day (or every 10 mins.)

I took her to some of the side streets where isn't very tourist's, but was my personal favourites.
Then all the suddenly, someone shut out,

"Micka!"
What? I haven't let this girl left my sight for the whole day since she arrived this afternoon and there is no way she has make friends in this country already without me noticing. But, what's the chance that there was another girl has as unique name as her? So both of us turn around to find out where did that voice came from?

The next thing I knew was I was in a classic slovak conversation again, just like 2 years ago.

It's his girlfriend.

How strange! This afternoon we were talking about how pity that we didn't know their contact detail in Auckland, and here we go, we met his slovak girlfriend in the middle of nowhere!!!The two kiwis, who met the two lovely slovak girls in BB, brought the two slovak girls to the kiwiland. And those two slovak girls found each other in this 1 million ppl city! What a story!

I was so happy to be in Slovak conversations again where I had no idea what's going on!! We had some wine at this very lived Greek bar with music and dancing. We talked about Slovakia, New Zealand, past and future, at present until so late that I had to take her home as she was flying out tomorrow to queenstown again!

I had so much fun today catching up with my past and sharing it with my present life. Soon, I am going to do it all over again with the German Machine!!!

I broke 323 test examples!!!

Oh~ Yeah! There are 323 test examples for this software programme I am using and I broke ALL of them!!! No one could use it until I fixed it :P

Beca Poster

"Now...the first prize for Beca poster 2005 goes to poster... #400..."
I couldn't hear what the award presenter said after that. My brain went frozen as I was overwhelmed by what I had just heard. I slowly turned to my left, looked up and murmured silently to him "It...it's me...."

"Well done!! Well done!!!" He pet on my back gently and looked down with a big smile on his face. He must have finished listening the whole announcement.

He was more excited about my winning than I was. Apparently I was way too cool/calm about this surprise and he thought I was pissed off at something or him. In fact I was just so in shock that I didn't react to it until I got back home!! I couldn't wait to tell my family while I was running/jumping into the house. I had to call Mum even we had spoken on the phone yesterday. Besides, there were our friends who didn't win anything in the prize giving and I tried to be as humble as I could as I felt bad about me winning and they didn't. What did I suppose to do? Go something like "Yeah!!! In your face!!"?! That would be just too cruel!

I still feel so excited about it. Not to mention the $2000 voucher prize from an electronic shop!!!!

"So...what are you going to buy?? A laptop? A mp3 player? A camera?" Ppl eagerly wanted to share my joy.

"Ummm.....I don't know...I am just thinking how to get cash from it...." How boring? I know! But that's me.....!!! I am a very cash-loving girl ;)

Being Understanding

I had no idea what I said in their wedding meant so much to her. She was so glad that finally someone can understand what she had to go through at the wedding- being in a foreign country and in a cross-culture relationship. I didn't mean to be understanding or sensitive. I was only saying things that I thought is appropriate and what I believe in.

I guess it's because I know exactly what it feel like personly, so the speech not only touched their hearts, but also sum up all her emotions perciously. Like in the Expectation, it's a gift to be able to understand one or the other. I was glad because of what I went through in the past, I touched another living being while she needed, so that now it gives a new meaning behind those disaster/mistake once I was suffering.

In return, she was there to support me for the same reason. We shared the feeling of being feeling outsider in a foreign country. It's really interesting to know how many feedback I got from sharing my own emotions. I am not only finding support from others, but also helping others to know they aren't alone facing the same challenges as me. We gave each other new stimulus to think of at the same time providing comfort to each other by being understanding.

It's such a gift to be able to understand others :D

A flashback

I always enjoy being invited by the organisation which I used to spend so much time and energy on coz I believed I was making a difference to the world. Being with it in the last 24hours again bring the eager, passionate, energetic and naive young me back. I have learned so much from the organisation and I was glad that I can contribute in a small way by sharing my own experience to the new enthusiastic young generation in the organisation.

Those ppl who joined at the same time with me have all move to the national level and my sweet secret friend has committed himself to be the president of the NZ in the organisation. Those newbies who I used to train or recruit are all actively involving in making the difference to someone's life. I wish I could have stayed in the organisation longer and wish I could have run some of the executive positions in the local committee or even a national level so that I could develop myself much further and have more impact on ppl's life.

However, I wouldn't exchange my precious 2003 with anything. I developed myself in a different spectrum and I am sure I made some differences to the ppl I came to in contact with. There are things in my life I wish I could have done more, but at the same time I wouldn't want to exchange what I had. After all, what makes who I am today is from what I did in my past. Things happened for their reasons and it always works out to be the best.

The sad thing is that those ppl who I used to admire when I was a new member was sitting in the same table as me- as alumni. That tells me how old I am becoming. Sign~~ The party was as wild/dodgy as I ever could remember and I barely had energy to keep up all sort of crazy or exotic dancing. I am getting too old.....:(

It has been a good weekend to get in touch with my past and remember what I used to believe in. In a way, it helps me to see what kinds of life I am looking for and I wish I'll make some life decision based on what I learned this weekend.

Expectation

He is just a friend!

He is just a friend!

No expectation!!
No expectation!!

Why does it have to be so hard!!!
Why does it have to be so hard!!!

Energy bubble shield!!!!
Energy bubble shield!!!!

He couldn't understand how I feel as he has never gone through what I have gone through. I was vulnerable, in need and had too much expectation from him so I forgot that all the emotions were coming from me and I am the only one be able to resolve how I felt, not him. I was expecting too much from him, and I forgot that he is only an individual and he doesn't necessary understand me.

It's not his time or place yet and maybe he isn't meant to go through what I went through at all. All the suffering I was going through has a meaning in my life. It may have seen to be a total disaster or mistake at the time but over time, I start to see the same thing with different perspective. I now see them as something I'll be glad to have in the future. They can either/both helped me to develop my potential or/and help other.

It's a gift that be able to understand other's pain and I have been lucky enough to go through few in my journey with many others. Hopeful, I'll be wiser then and help many others in the future. He was surprised that I was able to understand where he is coming from. I guess because I would have had the same reaction or even worse if he asked me something like that 4weeks ago. Maybe he is more mature than I am in certain ways that he didn't ask me that question.

Birthday Surprise

My family doesn't celebrate each others birthday much, but I enjoy organising friends' when I have some cool ideas!!

It was all worth it when I embarrassed both of them by having a group of us singing 'Happy Birthday' song loudly at the office. She and I kneeled down spontaneously when she opened the jewellery we bought. And then hearing them said "Oh! It's my favour chocolate!!" or "It's the coolest and the best present this year!!!", were priceless!!

Her MP3 player present was especially tricky, but I really want to get her something that she'd love and is practical. I had to pretend to ask for her advice for getting my brother a MP3 player to find out which model and what colour she likes the best. Then we went through all the trouble with 3 different sellers and found out the colour she likes is not available any more, but it was so worth it to see her jumping out of her chair with this stunned expression on her face when she saw her present. The cool thing is that she keeps telling ppl that it's the best present and she can't believe that I tricked her :)

Happy Birthday, Girls!!

Insurance Premium

I know that I am doing the right thing, but when things involve with money, I am just not as 灑脫 (free and easy) as I could have been.

The insurance company found out accidentally that I am the main driver of the red car during Mum’s awayness and insisted that I had to change me as the main driver in the policy, which means that the premium is going up for double as I have no history of insuring as a main driver of any cars with the company. My first reaction was anger and felt that the insurance company is all about $money$ and evil. I meant to just put my name down for the casual driver so I would be covered and save some premium, but it ended up that I had to pay more than I started with. Of course, I wasn't feel happy at all. I was also in a hope to change the policy from the full standard policy to only 3rd party, fire & theft, but NOOOOOO…..the car is too valuable that I can’t!! However, after I calmed down few hours later, I tried to see it from their point of view and decided to be honest and made the change.

Now, I feel proud of myself even my wallet is thinner coz I no long need to fight with my moral or think about dodgy ways to get myself out of the back door. He is right! It’s better to be above-board*[friend, 2005]. This instance also like a mirror which reflects that I am not always so morally perfect and there are things I should work on, such as greediness.

* "Above board" is a part of the phrase "all fair and above board." It means that everything is done legally, there is nothing shady/dodgy going on. I'm not sure whether it's a nautical term (as in everything is visible above the deck (ie you're not smuggling anything)) or whether it refers to everything being above the table (you will have heard the phrase "cash under the table," meaning that no tax is paid). Either way, it means that you aren't lying or cheating...

Birthweekend

Happy Birthweekend!!!

It has been a busy but pleasant weekend to celebrate his birthday. There was a dinner party, a soaking golf, a family dinner, and a taking birthday boy out dinner. I gave him different gifts each day, including the best thrilling and intriguing book of the year-my thesis, Modelling the Slow Wave in the Small Intestine and its Associated Magnetic Field.

Surprisingly, I had so much fun this time with his friends at his dinner party. I guess what didn't kill you really makes you stronger. I survived through the 5days kiwi holiday, so 6 hours was just nothing especially I found a way to deal with my uneasiness in his world.

I have always thought it has something to do with different cultures but I've realised that it has more to do with who is leading the conversation in the group. I felt strongly neglected when someone (which is not me) conducts a one-to-one conversation in a group for too long, especially when the someone is one of my close friends. It was easier to take some actions after I acknowledged the source of my uneasiness. I tested my little theory at his party and it worked like magic. I found out as long as I stayed out of his dominating conversation groups, I can deal with others just fine. I couldn't believe that I rather to talk to someone who may hate me than staying with him.

Yet, for a long long time, I finally have a great time in a group.

The Story

He wrote her a story. A story about how ppl react, socialise and interact with others at the party. It is a snapshot of 7 ppl's lives for an instant. It amazes me not only the way he portrayed ppl's personalities-so sharp, so deep, but also maybe he is not as insensitive as he looked like after all. He not only investigated the underlying issue of ppl's behavious, but also blend some personal experience into the story and brought them to live. It's a very stylish story and I like it.

I quickly identified myself with all the female characters even I wasn't in the story.

"...It seemed that she had been alone for most of her life, despite a bubbly personality, a respectable set of morals and a habit for selflessness"
"...Crossing the room involved a shower of attention, which she absorbed with a flurry of hugs, greetings and snapshots of conversations"
"...was surrounded by people she didn't know, and was feeling more than a little out of place...whether or not she should have made a bit more of an effort at the party. She had made some effort, but she hadn't been outgoing by any stretch of the imagination"

They are all part of me, despite you may have never notice my multi personalities. I always choose which side of me I want ppl to see. Yet. It's entirely possible that I modify myself because of the company.

So, how much do you know me ;) ?

Disfigured

I had a such interesting bad allergy reaction in the last couple of days. My pretty face is all swollen with little red dots all over my face and body. I tried not to scratch them, but it's unbearable itchy! The strange thing is that it only happen at night. I guess 老天爺 (god) is still looking after me after all.

I suspect it's either
1. The Rye cracker from HER
2. The chicken burger at the dinner
3. My new resolution of using stairs rather than the lift (coz I am getting fat :( )

According to the doctor, it's more likely the chicken burger. But to be scientific, I'll wait until my horrible allergy comes down and try the Rye cracker from her again. Her God must try to punish me coz I always stealing her food. Umm...maybe I should stop that.

If the cracker turns up to be safe, then it's the chicken. I have rule out the stairway as I have tried again the next day of my allergy. Does that mean I'll stop going to the chicken burger place? Nah! I'll have to try it again and to be 100% sure ;)

I am such a scientist!

"Hey! Do you have the ethical approval?!!!!" She chased after me and yelled.

可愛的笨笨媽

I should never think little of my Mum ever again.

I was MSNing with 乾姐 (a good friend) in Taiwan while she had just get off from the phone with my Mum who was looking for my cellphone number. Gee...She only has just moved to Taipei for her new job and I don't even have her new cellphone number!! Who would have thought my Mum would be one step ahead of me already and get her number!! How did Mum trace her down? I am terrified with her detective skill!! Then, 3 hours later, my bf in New Zealand called me anxiously and asked "Did your Mum find you?"

That is just too spooky!! I have to be extreme careful from now on!! When this woman wants something from her daughter, she finds her way. It's not the 笨笨媽 (clumsy Mum) I used to know. It's very like a professional! I am not only impressed, but also awed. Maybe she used to work for some sort of secret agency, mob or Mafia... Nah! Not a chance!! What kind of dumb agent would have everyone else's cellphone number around the world, BUT her own daughter!

可愛的笨笨媽！！(Dear clumsy Mum!!)

His Holiday

I knew it was not gonna be a happy relaxing holiday for me, but I went. For him.

The two hours drive down there was in dead silence between us. I wasn't so sure whether it's a comfortable silence for him or not. It didn't start well that day or week. I was feeling neglected as he had been declining all my nice gestures for a week and said nothing about his last soccer game or how I was gonna meet him up for the holiday. I had been restrained myself not to be stubborn as I normally would (A big thumb up for that!). It upset me that I couldn't express my feeling about the play I watched that afternoon. Somehow, I just couldn't put my thought in words and it made me feel very frustrated. And his incidental I-don't-know-what-to-say "Okay~" made me feel even worse. I wish I could use a cable to plug from my head to his and everything would be clicked without saying. A lot of thoughts went through my troubled mind during that two hours. In short, I was cherishing the memory of the past and scared the difficult challenging 5 days ahead of me (us).

We arrived before others as they got lost on the way. I have to admit that it did cross my mind that I wish they would have never shown up so that it would be my kind of holiday, but it wouldn't have been his and they did show up in the end. The first two days were miserable. I knew he had a lot of fun, because of others, but not because of me. I felt very lonely, uncomfortable and tiring in his world as I saw The Difference between us. I couldn't help but felt useless and dumb; I couldn't make him laugh; I couldn't make him happy. All I am was a 絆腳石 (stumbling stone/obstacle) to let him have fun. He was happier without me. It was easy to perceive the contrast between his having fun with others and our awkward silence when we were by ourselves alone. I wish I could be stronger, so I didn't have to keep going to the bathroom or pretending to yawn so that I can carefully wipe out my 不爭氣 (unworthy) tears. Stubbornness and competitiveness are just a bad combination for my personality. It didn't help but made me feel even lonely when he said he couldn't understand why I felt the way I felt. Fortunately (for him) or unfortunately (for me), he has never had the need or chance to live in other cultures and to fight his way to fit in using second language. I looked up the vast sky that night with countless stars quietly and thought of the line I once wrote down 13 years ago-

星空中的兩顆星 (Two stars in the Milky Way)
看起來似乎很近 (Seem so close)
其實他們的距離 (But the distance between them)
好遠 好遠 (Is so far far away)

I like all his friends but they also forced me to face up the fact that I am so different from him. "Maybe someone like her would make him happier. She is cool and I am not" I thought, like a 怨婦 (resentful woman). I was jealous of the way they flirted with each other, but I couldn't know what to do or say. I felt handicapped. I don't know how to play with words wittily coz I don't have enough words or common sense; I can't answer a single Trivial Pursuit question coz I don't even understand the question; I don't understand the joke they laugh to death; I don't know how to show my anger when he crashed the car and I don't know how to show my jealousy when he was having fun with her.

In his world, I am handicapped.

I knew I couldn't have avoided feeling this way and that's why I had been always hesitated to take this trip right from the start. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it wasn't any better than my self fulfill prophecy.

"Did you have fun?"He asked me in the end of the trip and thought I did. I guess I did/act well overall to make sure he had a good time during his holiday. That's all the matter, I thought. After all, it's his holiday, not mine. Apart from the first two tearful days which lead me to a very drunk 3rd night, I did end up having some fun occasionally even I was counting days every night. Surprisingly I enjoyed playing Scrabble and Charades even I wasn't very good at it but I could at least make up something sometimes. I am not so sure it's because of the breakfast in bed he made me, my crystals or my stubbornness personality but I had a boost of energy to continue fighting this challenge/battle. What didn't kill you makes you stronger! Now I know the next time when I am in a pure kiwi group situation and feeling handicapped again, I can survive through it and last at least 5 days!

Going Home

I haven't been back to my home country myself for 5 years. Last time was a very special trip to my life. I confronted my darkest memory alone, which allowed me to trust men again and met my boyfriends later. I fulfilled my dream of making up for not being there for the University life. That was the dream got left behind when I came to NZ. I travelled all around that little island and visited as many universities, my friends and night markets as I could to have a taste of what I was missing. All my friends and I picked up where we left like we had never been apart. I could talk to friends openly and shared all sort of things that ppl in their early 20 should talk about, but I couldn't here in NZ. I did my first backpacking experience in my home country!

Five years later, I am taking two of my best kiwi friends home and I am freaking out. I still have the excitement of going home like I always do, but I am also scared of screwing it up. I have never shown any foreigners my country before and I am not really that familiar with that island anymore. They are coming to Taiwan because of me and they have only 13 days. That thought keeps me up at night sometimes and planning the trip have become my main focus these days. The first thing in the morning in the last 2 weeks has been checking emails from participators and travel consultant and organising the flight. There were different airlines, different stopover options, different departure and paid dates, different airfare, different airport and fuel tax to be considered. I have been practicing my Operation Research skill to optimise the objective function, i.e. cheapest airfare, maximum days in Taiwan, limited holiday leave they can take, matching with my German friend's visit in NZ, coming back for X'mas etc. etc....Meeting up everyone's priority was a challenge. However, I think we finally reach an agreement of the departure date (I hope!!).

Now, I only need to tell my German friend to book his flight to NZ, start organsing his tour in NZ, make sure all 4 of us (1 German+2 kiwis and me) can fly with different airlines but arrive in Taiwan in the same weekend (the same date is out of question already) safely without losing one or the other and THEN I can start worrying about where to take them in Taiwan. Gee.....So SIMPLE!!

I promised him not to worry to meet my family, but I think he should more worry about all my friends who want to meet him eagerly. She said, "Don't worry, we are all nice and we don't bite!!"

"Oh, dear!" I can see his reaction on this.

Addiction

It's really bad to be addicted to something and can't control yourself.

Sadly, I have allowed myself to rely on them in my daily life so that I can be full of energy everyday in the last 4 months. It used to be by choice, then percussion and I thought I can stop using them anytime I want. But now I can't live my life without them. The excuse of being stressed isn't applied anymore after my Masters so I have decided it's time to challenge myself and quit.

It was very difficult in the first day. I failed as I didn't really put up a fight with my urge. The following days were hard and I badly sleep at the night.....Then things get slightly easier after a while. The biggest success so far was sleeping with my teddy bear in the other bed rather than mine! I have come clean for 6 days so far!!!!!

Hi, my name is Dandelion and I am a ear-plugs-holic.

Negative comments

I don't know what to do every time he expresses his options or critises on something or someone negatively. I know it's not his fault, but I can't stop taking it personal or finding it offensive. Most of time, it is because I have someone I know who matches the thing he is critising or even I know I could be like that too. That's why they really IRRITATE me.

For example, last night, he and his sister were wondering some of the English names we Asians took. I knew they weren't really laughing at them, but I didn't feel very comfortable especially, I have a good friend who has the name they think only ppl who is more than 60 years old would have it in this country. I was very disturbed, but I don't know what to do or say. I was angry, but I also knew they weren't 惡意中傷 (defaming intentionally) my friend. Some other time, he may critise the movie is crap, but I again feel irritated, because I either have friends who would love the film or myself enjoy it. Or, he said he hates ppl who just stop in the middle of the road or corridor and I know many others and myself must have done the same and even himself has done it from time to time.

Such kind of negative comments really bug me and I really don't know how to deal with it. Currently, I just tell myself that I am not perfect either and there are some personalities of his that I really admire but I can't do it myself, so it would be unfair to want him to be more open minded.

Any one has a better advice? I could really use some help here.

Balance sheet

Check bounced fine $20
Overdraft interest $0.57
Phone Bill to Finland $66.09
Dinner with family $139

Salary paid $918.18

Yeah!!! Good to get paid!!
I am sure all the expenses were well spent and priceless. (Even the check got bounced? Come on it's funny!)